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m&ms487
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2007 7 June :: 7.11pm
I've been sitting back lately, letting the world pass by in a sense. I got a letter from CMU congratulating me on making the Dean's List, again...
And somehow, I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't get me more money to go to school, and it just maybe could help me get some job somewhere that I don't want, or get into a second choice graduate school.
I'm being pessimistic, but I always am. I've been dwelling on my 'lives'- the 'who I am' depending on who I'm with. When I'm at work, I'm usually very bouncy, optimistic, and smiley. When I'm with friends, I usually take the role of the 'dumb girl', and honestly, I don't get a lot of things that are said. I don't try to be dumb, it's just like my brain gets turned off when I'm around them. When I'm with Rueben I'm usually silly or crying, or any spectrum inbetween. I have the most variation when I'm with him. When I'm in an academic setting, like a class, I'm usually stuck up, and I deplore people who waste my time or say stupid things. I especially hate when others come up with a point that I was on the verge of thinking.
...but that doesn't compare to who I am with myself. This is the one I've been thinking about. I suppose this journal reflects it more than anything, since these words depict the inner workings of the mush enclosed in my skull. As I look back, I find I'm witty-usually horribly sarcastic. I find that I'm usually pessimitic, but find a way to leave off with some optimistic note. I find that I'm frustrated a lot. I get frustrated if I'm too early or late, or if there isn't a plan, or if the plan gets changed at the last minute. I get frustrated by the menial, the every day. I'm frustrated by normalcy, when I really crave to be normal. I find that I don't know how to say what I want, but somehow it comes out perfectly.
I feel like I lead a double, or even triple life. I can't combine these 'personalities'. Perhaps I don't want to. It just leaves me fairly confused to the issue of identity. That's a big thing. How can you live with yourself if you don't know who you are?
I know, or at least hope, that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies..."
It's very windy outside, and the first day of my yard sale was fairly disappointing. I did make eight dollars, though. It averages out to about a dollar an hour.
It's still better than a day at Meijer.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 6 June :: 10.19pm
i know its bad but i am skipping my homework tonight. i am just so overwhelmed and i can't take it anymore. all i want to do is sit around and relax and dream about my wedding.
and my baby is home so that is it. love.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 1 June :: 7.22pm
I just don't know anymore
If everything is left up to me, I cave in.
I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing. I feel like...
it's hard to describe.
I've been going through a lot of old memories, some good, some bad. Both make me upset. I have so much more to say, but I can't say it. I just can't.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 31 May :: 10.05pm
i don't understand how anyone can survive without air conditioning.
our air conditioning is still broken even though it was supposed to be fixed today. they couldn't fix it.
i am seriously going to die. i know it sounds pathetic. but i'm really going to die. i'm suprised i'm not already dead. i have never been so sick in my life. tuesday at 2 in the morning i puked like every hour until 9 . seriously i threw up everything in me. i was so dehydrated but whenever i drank water i would just throw it up. i wanted to die so bad.
it's a long story but i took too much cold medicine i'm pretty sure. i just layed in the bathroom and hugged the toilet the whole night and all day tuesday. omg i just wanted to die.
that's it.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 30 May :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: crying
They want me out of the house. It's obvious. Very obvious. I can't do anything right. Everything in my life, even not doing the fucking dishes, is up to scrutiny.
I'm trying so hard to stay calm and not do anything, but if this keeps up, which I'm sure it will....
Rueben, Shae, Jessie, Josh, and I went to Big Rapids to go ghost hunting last night. No ghosts, but on the way back, a hornet got into the car and bit Jessie five times and Josh once. We were all freaking out because Shae is allergic to everything, and we pulled over at a speedway for a while to find and kill the hornet.
Then, on our way back, after we got on 131 south, we hit a deer. Actually, Rueben hit a deer with my car, because I made him drive, but he did wonderful. We were only going about sixty anyway, and as soon as he saw it, he slammed on the brakes and swerved just a tiny bit. It hit the front driverside of my car. We were all absolutely fine, and my car has an inch long crack on my blinker light, along with some random blood and hair. Other than that, the one who got the worst of it was the deer. It was still trying to get up, and then a semi hit it. It was still twitching, so we called the police so they could come shoot it, so no one else ran it over, or got in an accident because of it, and pull it off to the side of the road and mark it for the people who get dead animals off the highway.
By the time he got there, it was actually dead, and we left because I didn't want to file an accident report. We got back at about four am.
I did the dishes, you bastard.
3 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 28 May :: 1.12pm
Wars don’t change except in name;
The next one must go just the same,
And new foul tricks unguessed before
Will win and justify this War.
-Robert Graves, "The Next War"
Glory does not engulf those who are today's subject, just maggots and worms who devour their bones.
There is a difference between defending yourself and your country and making a pre-emptive strike on another country for no clear reason.
Then there are the others. When will we remember the thousands of Japanese that were disintegrated in a second? Those who suffered with cancer for years? 100,000 Iraqi civilians?
Today is not a day to buy furniture or roast marshmallows or praise honor and courage and sacrifice. Today is a day of mourning for ALL who have died, not just those who have won and are memorialized in a vision of superficial peace and tranquility.
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 28 May :: 12.58pm
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Yane
It's all been working and sleeping lately. I don't have time for much else. I only work thirty hours this week, but I only have two days off. I have to drive down there for a five hour shift. After gas and taxes and union dues, I probably only make about eighteen dollars for that shift.
Another thousand hours and I'll be making seven twenty five. Of course, the minimum wage will go up by then, making it meaningless.
It's been a stressful past couple of days, or at least week. Now I'm just pained.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 25 May :: 1.55am
:: Mood: tired
I survived the great fire of '07
So, I took a five hour cashier shift from six thirty to eleven thirty tonight because I'm trying to get to fourty hours every week. Little did I know that I was in for an exciting night.
At about ten thirty alarms started going off in the back of the store. Me being on a lane, I couldn't really go see, so I just told everyone to not worry about it...we would have gotten evacuated if it was serious. So, they keep going. Ten or fifteen minutes later all of our lanes go down (there were about seven of us). It sucked because we couldn't ring anything up, we had to scan it, put in dept. 10 (grocery) and then a price. Hard to do if it doesn't have a price on it, or it's on sale. Anyway, so the s.c. comes over and tells me to shut off my light, and I was going to the gas station because they had the same problem.
So, at eleven, I go up to the gas station. Their registers were down, you couldn't even sign into them. So, I called back down to the store (luckily, because a few minutes later the whole phone system went down) and I said that there was nothing I could do. So, we decided to close down the gas station. I also found out there was a small fire in the computer room where all of our servers that run the store (and gas station because they're connected) were.
So, we got out some good old "caution tape" and some trash cans and chairs and blocked off the two exits into the gas station. The pumps were still working, but we couldn't ring anyone up...so we didn't want people filling up and then getting it for free.
By this time, there are tons of police and fire trucks and flashing lights everywhere, and I learn that I'm "in charge" of the gas station, and they had to evacuate everyone from the store due to carbon monoxide.
Finally, they let everyone back in, but we had to have the customers leave because we had absolutely no way to check them out. So, I made a trip back down to the store to see what they wanted me to do. I went back up to the gas station to "be in charge" and I sat outside on a folding chair telling people we were closed.
Then, a lady that was "high up" came and told me that the lanes were back on. Of course, she was misinformed, and they weren't, and as we were talking, a second round of firetrucks and police come back to the store. It was one fifteen, and I was going to be on overtime, so I had to leave.
All the firemen had to say was "it's going to be a while" before our system was going to be up again. The corporate lady said it was just one server and IT was on the way. Of course, that was before the second round of firetrucks and police.
Anyway, this all means that I got two extra hours in (that means forty for this week!) and Meijer will be closed for a while. This is really bad for them, since we are an expressway store, and Friday is one of the busiest days of the year for us because people stop on their way up north to buy all of their camping food and equipment.
So that was my exciting story for the night. If anyone knows anything more, please let me know!
michelle
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 23 May :: 9.56pm
seriously, i dont even like american idol that much. i just have a strange curiousity about who is going to win. i just have to know. and god i swear these random songs and random performers are getting so damn annoying i cna't watch for much longer.
they ARE deciding tonight, aren't they?
god they better be.
5 more minutes and this show is ending.
they're deciding tonight right. please dont tell me i watched this whole thing for no reason. just tell me who fricken won.
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lots of crap going on in my life i just dont feel like typing. i hate children.
that's totally not true but i just kinda feel like that.
and yet again i am getting sick. why? becausei work around snot nosed kids all day. and i swear to god i got sick from the one kid i cannot STAND because i had to keep wiping the oozing green snot from his fat little nose.
fucker.
g'night.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 23 May :: 7.48pm
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2007 21 May :: 7.02pm
oh my god i am in tears and seriously i'm going to kill myself. today and ysterday i have had the worst headache in the worldmaking mesick to my stomach with pain and omg so apparantely i get migraines now. i am seriously gonna drill a hole in my brain . this hasn't happened since i worked at beaners so it has been quite a while but then last night it happened and then today at work. right before i get the headache i can't see out of one of my eyes. it is all blurry as if i had been looking at the sun or had a flash from a camera in my eye. but it's not just in one spot it is over most of the eye. it makes me have blurry and double vision. seriously everytime i looked at a kid they had two faces. omg and then i had to wrok in the baby room so that was a little better. a little quieter except when they were crying.
and then itgot really realy bad and i was crying but at least i was in the baby room so no one could see it. omg i was gonna ask to go home but of course i am too scared to so i didn't. and i felt so sick i thought i was going to throw up all over the infants. lol. but seriously i elt so nausous . BLEH andthen i have to spend the rest of the day dealing with annoying kids and having a stupid boy spit/pretend sneeze in my face a million times. and screaming stupid kids omg i swear it was a bad day.
yeah so that was my day.
even now when my head isn't like it was it's like a dull annoying headache and if i bend down or anything it all feels like it is scoming back at aonce. if i sneeze or cough or anything that puts pressure on my head it's just like UGHGHGHG. omg i want it to go waway.
sorry for the complianing but i couldn't complain about it all day and it was so horrible.
OMG.
kill me.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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m&ms487
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2007 19 May :: 10.49pm
It's been three years for Rueben and I. That's a long time for only being nineteen.
I can't wait to be done with college and teaching my gifted and talented kids. I can't wait.
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You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..
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