godsconcern's Journal

godsconcern's Journal

:: 2008 13 December :: 12.46 pm

I leave for the next COB on xmas day. yay

:: 2008 12 December :: 2.26 pm

First good day in about 2 weeks. And it shouldn't really be a good day, because shit went wrong. But I feel good. i think it is just because Ive been working out all day and that has a way of getting your blood flowing and making you feel good. Healthy I guess.

We got some new guys yesterday and I have been kind of showing them the ropes around. I like to do that when we get new guys because I remember when i was new nobody wanted to help me with anything and my life was hell for about three months, and I figure it shouldn't be that way. its kind of like a big brother feeling lol. I get to show them all the cool stuff I have learned, tell them who they can and can't fuck with, how to properly fill a radio frequency, clean a weapon, blah blah blah.

I was thinking about how a persons character can grow and become stronger. I feel like in the aspect of being away from home I have become stronger. I remember when I was in basic I was so scared and so unbelievably lonely. I still am, but it is not as bad. I used to go to church every Sunday just so I could get away from everybody and just cry. I would cry for a good hour for no particular reason and then when church was over, I'd wipe the tears away, put back on my asshole face, and head back to the guys. I think I was this way because I was so unsure of myself. I missed Jocelyn so much. i depended on her for everything. She was my anchor that let me feel my life was still ok. Then when she did what she did and broke my heart, it took me a whole year to realize I did not need her to be ok with myself. I guess it was unfair for me to rest all of my weight on her, and I can't blame her for not being there for me when I needed it most, because she had her life and she had Joe. But now I am ok with all of that. I don't need her and i don't need anyone. I mean, i need her as a friend or whatever, but I no longer need them to make me feel good. So fuck you world. Im not the same little boy you chewed up and spit out.

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:: 2008 11 December :: 5.59 pm

Life is baffling.

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:: 2008 10 December :: 6.57 pm

No new news. But i suppose no news is good news when you are in the environment that I have found myself in. I seem to have gotten over the flu thank god. it was destroying me. This place has a way of doing that too you. You will never be 100 percent here. You are forever doubting yourself and the choices you have made. You see the ugly side of the world and wonder if you will ever truly stop seeing it. I guess you can't unsee things. When you see the ugliness that is the human race, you can't go back to the naive kid you were. The only option you have is to grab up your weapon and head back to your naked room made out of plywood to grab a few hours of sleep before you have to do it all over.

Merry Christmas from Iraq.

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:: 2008 9 December :: 4.55 pm

still very sick. Sick in the body and sick in the head. Homesick, lovesick, and just regular flu sick. why does Iraq have to be so shitty.

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:: 2008 8 December :: 5.46 pm

No new news. lonely and bored in Iraq. making plans for when I come home but even I, foolish old me, knows that these plans are not really to be followed through with. They are just little ideas we come up with to take us from one day into the next.

We dont keep track of the days here. I am calling home less and less because I know it will be another 8 or 9 months until I will be there again and frankly it makes me really sad.

I am quickly growing tired of the sleepless nights, the constantly being dirty because we can't wash clothes and there is no time to take a shower. everything is a routine and it is crushing my soul. Christmas time is coming, and I have never been one to think much of the holiday and in fact rarely celebrate it, but knowing I will be spending it here in this fucking barren desert while my friends and family are back in Fl sucks.