mad at myself

pediatrist for my ankle problem...i have tendanitis in the back of my ankle, and i have no arch, so it makes my foot wobbly and messed up. New ankle brace..with plastic like forest gump supports haha, coach calls me the bionical man now..:o( ha, i love how my ankle kills 24/7 now..suckkks!!

anyways, you ever get that feeling where you know you could do better, but you give up on yourself? this week...thats how i felt. I know I can get better grades. I know I can play even better at lacrosse. I just get annoyed or frustrated and give up trying. I just wish I didnt. If I study for tests and do work Id get better grades. If I run more and practice more Id do better. I just...mmm..i dont know.

I did it again. I promised you after my breakdown wednesday night..that I wouldnt, im so sorry. I couldnt deal with anything, I got confused, upset, aggrivated and did it. :o( what do i do now?.....:o/


Thats not all the worries and problems going on this past week. People got me SO mad yesterday!!! ahh!! When someone at lax was like "oh yeah _____ and him almost went out, before you guys got back together that month" I was like oh yeah, i knew they were like "closer friends" but thats all I knew, and I knew she liked him. Then last night someone was like oh yeah "i knew they hooked up" i was like "WTF! they actually hooked up"...not expecting that one there.....yeah well i went on a spazz...I soo over reacted I KNOW. Im sorry. the person who told me was wrong. very wrong. I was upset for no reason. ugh that bothers me!!!!

these frikkin dissapointments keep on comin. I neeeeed Camp NOW!!!!! yet, just finished talking to one certain Avoda lover...and... yeah I cant lie- im a little dissapointed about it, but I guess I'll have to find a way to get over it....someday somehow. and QC brightened the moment by telling me "un planned hookups are the best hookups". Thanks QC it will be an incredible summer! and anything unplanned like that is usually better, your right! yay for packing and counting crows! welcoming myself into the world of YRUSH summer...by listening to old 99-04' camp mix's and reading through Sleepaway.


Camp is SO soon (53 days) yet so far away.
good luck to everyone on finals.
and
welcome to summer everyone..get syced.


*Fly Away With Me....Jodi*

C A M P !
today is the type of day you wish you were curled up in your sweats, in your bunk with your favs...listening to the rain hit the bunks. And then running to the dinning hall as quick as you can so your not sooo wet. Activities get cancelled so its "free time". No matter what your with your favorites, your girls, your sisters. THAT is camp pembroke.
***********************************

game-cancelled
practice-cancelled

wish i was at cp<3 58 days!!!

ITS SAD BECAUSE I DO IT TOO...
THIS IS PART OF AN ENTRY A FRIEND OF MINE WROTE IN HER LJ:
poems to explain...........
Secret Message

I engrave this message into my wrist
Prior to the hour of my death
Where I will lay motionless
Against the cold floor, leaving blood stains
To where I was before

Slowly, painfully I carve this message,
Slice by slice, letter by letter

Gasping breaths as the scars run deep,
To previous cuts that I’ve achieved
Never again will I feel this excruciating pain
Razor to wrist as blood through my veins
For when I awake I’ll be on the other side,
Away form all of this misery that I’ve left inside

Waiting and watching, and watching, me die
Cutting myself open
As if I’m hollow inside
Where I will disintegrate in the fiery hell
To make up for all of the sins that I have done well

Fare well to thee, who is watching me bleed
You cannot do anything, just wait and see
See me bleed
As my knees turn weak
I cannot speak
Fingers clenching the razor turn numb and meek
The thump of my heart is getting much faster
To get me away from this horrible disaster

Finally I take in one last breath
Unable to exhale, the pulse is dead
Suddenly I hear an ear piercing scream

“Such a wonderful child…”
“How could it be?”
“How can you take your life away,
you were welcomed, you were here to stay”
My wrist is turned over, the message is read
“This cannot be, you cannot be dead”

From then on the story is clear,
Millions of footsteps
Rushed and somber
Ambulance sirens
Growing louder and louder
The casket closes
The prayers are said
And the last rose is placed on the soul of the dead

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
kill yourself now, kill you must”
With a razor in my hand and a message in my wrist
This is the last you will see of me, I no longer exist
---------------------------------------------------------
You cry
at night
trails blazing fire down sodden cheeks
cold coiling at the pit.
You draw imaginary lines along Your arms, following the blue rivers that drain Your heart
massage the imaginary soreness from your neck
stare at the soothing pink stones captive in glass bottles
watch green ripples down the creek, sucking You in
dangle Your feet from the brick red roof, listening to the colourless wind
for an answer.
Your hazel eyes, my dear
brim with tears this morning
that do not fall
but become icicles, despite the orange sun, still, unmoved, piercing
into my soul.
i offered all i could, i held Your pale hands, caressed Your porcelain face, breathed in
Your pain.
yet You still cry
at night.

---------------------------------------------------------
Now that you’ve gone,
And left without me,
I miss you everyday,
You get a new life,
But what do I get,
When you are away,
Having all things new,
I get nothing,
Not even a replacement of you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Cut yourself, for all your worth
Cut yourself and give new birth
Cut your flesh and watch it bleed
Cut emotions till they’re freed
Cut until you scratch your core
Cut till you can’t stand the gore
Cut until you burn with heat
Cut until your blood tastes sweet
Cut yourself all over your body
Cut until your hands are bloody
Cut and rip yourself apart
Cut and ease your aching heart
Cut so deep – ignore your plea
Just cut until you like what you see
---------------------------------------------------------
Cut the beauty from you face
Cut yourself every place
Cut your hand
Cut your heart
None of this cutting is particularly smart!

Cut your arm
Cut your leg
Watch your blood run red
Just keep cutting
Someday you'll be dead!

Such a waste
A beautiful life ruined
Cutting away the special person you are
Another like you won't be along very soon!

It saddens me deeply when I read
Your yearning for self mutilation to fill your need
A way for you to punish others and yourself
Instead of taking care of your health.

It's been said that youth is wasted on the young
You should be out with your friends, having some fun
Instead of finding a way to damage yourself today
Why not try talking with those who care, try a new way!
---------------------------------------------------------
I think its finally settled for me
I think i have decided
I don't want to stay with you
And burn with your angry fire

I think i've finally made up my mind
To travel far away
Change it all
Right here right now
And end it all today

Bleeding from angry cuts
Draining away the pain
Wandering what it would feel like
If my spirit floated away

Cut a little deeper
Slide the knife inside
Feel the metal bite me
Feel it against the inside

Tourture from your fire
Hurting from your hate
Wondering what i could have done
To deserve this fate.
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------


yeah thats it. Sad thing is...i feel her pain.

life IS awesome, I DO take too much for granted, and sometimes...its like im living on cloud nine. Everything seems perfect some times....yet i now realize:

I have a close family.
I have a lot of friends.
I have an incredible boyfriend.<3
I go away to camp all summer.
I go on nice family trips.
I go away with friends.
I have money.
I have a house.

I have more than alot of people....yet, I cant lie, I take it all for granted. Its like im living in my own never never land sometimes, and yes I know I need to stop, I know, but its not that easy, you cant just say it and have it happen, everyone takes something for granted, dear g-d im sorry.

************************************
I wish EVERY night could be like last night. I am in love, I can never picture myself without you. 6 years were worth it, because you and I- we belong together, I know it, You know it, everyone knows it. I love you.
************************************

COUNTDOWN:
Toronto Sox Game: 20 days!
NERUSY Spring Fling: 21 days!
NERUSY Sox game: 22 days!
Last day of pdor: 21 days!
schools out!: 36 days!!!
CAMPyrush04: 61 days!!!

i think thats all for now?...yeahhh! o tay!

Im out! goodnight y'all...xoxo mucho love.

*Tinkerbell*