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m&ms487
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2007 15 June :: 10.59pm
Rueben and I rented a few documentaries today. One was called Maxed Out, and it was about how credit card debt, and debt in general, is ruining the country. Well, not the whole country, just the majority of the people who aren't millionaires.
Then we watched Jesus Camp. If you haven't watched this, you really need to. For the first time, I found myself, as an agnostic/atheistic liberal, as the enemy. It really makes you wonder about religion. It can be taken to so many extremes. This is about radical Christianity, in our own country. We are fighting radical Islam, killing in the name of freedom, when the Christian Evangelicals are on the same path, except they're predominately white, upper middle class, and are fighting in the name of a different God, one that most of Americans can claim some type of allegiance to.
They "love" the United States, but are attempting to dissolve the separation of Church and State, and take away anything that isn't set out in the Bible. Homosexuality? Wrong. Abortion? No way. Violence? well, they're training their children to be an "Army of God." I'll leave it at that.
To all of you out there that think you're better because you have "God in your Heart," I understand that you might not agree with hardly anything that the Evangelicals are preaching, but you have to at least agree that almost all religion, whether it be Islam, or Christianity, is almost like playing with fire. It can easily be taken to the extreme. Can you understand? Can you understand how dangerous it can be to believe in something so much that you're willing to kill for your cause? To secure a place in heaven? Don't even get me into if heaven really exists, or what heaven can be defined as, if there is such a thing. Can you understand the necessity of the Separation? Can you understand that anything to do with a great mass of people can be dangerous?
No, I don't believe that some God waved his hand and made up the earth and the trees and man (and woman for that matter). Neither do I believe that the world is held up on the shoulders of a really strong man (Greek and Roman) or that the world sprung up on the back of a turtle (Iroquois).
I believe that every person should go through the day trying not to hurt anyone else, and maybe even trying to make someone else's life a little better. I believe in respect, and I believe in the idea that everyone is equal, even if it doesn't happen that way. I truly believe that I am a good person if I follow these few simple guidelines, and I don't need someone telling me to live "for God". I'm living for me, because really, I don't believe that there is anything once I die. I could be proven wrong, but for the time being, I'd like to know that I'm using my life for something, because that's all there is. You are born, you live, you change a few things, for the better, hopefully, and then you die. That's it.
And no, I don't go around telling people that they should become agnostics or atheists like a lot of others go around trying to recruit others to their religion. You know why? Because what I've choosen is right for me. And no one can talk me out of it. No one can scare me out of it. If I have to die for my right not to believe, to die with the knowledge that I don't have a eternal life, or eternal hope, I'm okay with that. Just as long as I don't kill others because they don't believe the same things as me. Just as long as I don't hurt anyone else, because in my mind, that's what good human beings do. They help, not harm.
5 ::watch me bleed:: |
::cut me open...::
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m&ms487
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2007 13 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Delila - Plan White T's
The summer is catching up on me. And I just realized it. I've been home for about a month and a half, and I'm still readjusting...in little ways, but readjusting nonetheless.
After a long, horrible night of work, I got home at eleven thirty last night to a letter sitting on my bed. It informed me that I had been awarded a $1000 scholarship from the GR community foundation. I'm relieved. I'm definitely in a safe spot with my financials for next year right now, and there is even a bit of a surplus.
Lately, it seems like I'm biding my time, just waiting to get to the real "life," the one where I'm suppose to do something meaningful, where I enjoy what I do. The life when I come home from a day on the job and I can say to myself, "I made a difference."
The only difference I've been making lately is on the stains on the tile floor behind the service desk.
I've been doing announcements lately, over the PA at Meijer. Just for stupid crap, like the credit card..."Attention Meijer guests, Would you like to save 10% off your entire order today...." and "Currently we have patio sets for 15-33% off thier original price in the garden center..."
A few people have told me that I should be a radio DJ. That got me thinking. I would like to do something with my voice. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be the voice of an animated character in a movie or on a tv show. I think it would be really fun to do something like that. If only...
Well, I have to go to work now, unfortunately. I get to work with Phil tonight, so that should be fun. I like working with people who are very laid back, because I'm really uptight, and I need that reassurance that everything isn't as bad as it seems.
All for now.
Michelle
::cut me open...::
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m&ms487
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2007 7 June :: 7.11pm
I've been sitting back lately, letting the world pass by in a sense. I got a letter from CMU congratulating me on making the Dean's List, again...
And somehow, I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't get me more money to go to school, and it just maybe could help me get some job somewhere that I don't want, or get into a second choice graduate school.
I'm being pessimistic, but I always am. I've been dwelling on my 'lives'- the 'who I am' depending on who I'm with. When I'm at work, I'm usually very bouncy, optimistic, and smiley. When I'm with friends, I usually take the role of the 'dumb girl', and honestly, I don't get a lot of things that are said. I don't try to be dumb, it's just like my brain gets turned off when I'm around them. When I'm with Rueben I'm usually silly or crying, or any spectrum inbetween. I have the most variation when I'm with him. When I'm in an academic setting, like a class, I'm usually stuck up, and I deplore people who waste my time or say stupid things. I especially hate when others come up with a point that I was on the verge of thinking.
...but that doesn't compare to who I am with myself. This is the one I've been thinking about. I suppose this journal reflects it more than anything, since these words depict the inner workings of the mush enclosed in my skull. As I look back, I find I'm witty-usually horribly sarcastic. I find that I'm usually pessimitic, but find a way to leave off with some optimistic note. I find that I'm frustrated a lot. I get frustrated if I'm too early or late, or if there isn't a plan, or if the plan gets changed at the last minute. I get frustrated by the menial, the every day. I'm frustrated by normalcy, when I really crave to be normal. I find that I don't know how to say what I want, but somehow it comes out perfectly.
I feel like I lead a double, or even triple life. I can't combine these 'personalities'. Perhaps I don't want to. It just leaves me fairly confused to the issue of identity. That's a big thing. How can you live with yourself if you don't know who you are?
I know, or at least hope, that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
"We wear the mask that grins and lies..."
It's very windy outside, and the first day of my yard sale was fairly disappointing. I did make eight dollars, though. It averages out to about a dollar an hour.
It's still better than a day at Meijer.
1 ::watch me bleed:: |
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