an update way overdue, that last one needs some background i think....
okay, so as i last stated, i got my kiss. i need to explain whats been going on but my computer has been broken so ive been lacking greatly in the woohu department, ill do it now. so, i had known that my friend zack's friend mike was coming out for july and the plan was to set us up. so i get to the ferry terminal the night i was coming out, and i see this kid who is saying hello to my friend morgans parents whos really cute. and im sitting there thinking, hm, shaggy brown hair, tan skin, brown eyes, tall, about 16 years old....could that possibly be him? so i call zack up and sure enough it is, so when i get to fi i start hanging out with him and all my friends, and i start to like him. all my friends knew i did and he did too, but he told them that he didnt wanna hook up with me until the end of the summer because he didnt want a relationship, which i could relate to, but just a hook up buddy, thats what i wanted. he works at camp with me and all my friends, but he doesnt have a group, he works at the ocean with zack and morgan and for some reason one day the idea of me having not hooked up before comes up and mike says: "im going to have to change that", so i get excited. that night (7/9/04) we're in town, and the whole group of friends is sitting in the gazebo talking and what not, and over the course of time they all filter out leaving me and mike there alone. we talked for like 2 hours about just random stuff and then it was like 10:55, time for both of us to go home. we walked up my street until we got half way which is where he would normally break off and go to his street, but he said no, i wanna walk you home. so we're walking and walking and walking and we finally get to my house at which point we both go to say goodbye:
mike: theres something ive been meaning to do... [puts arms around my waist]
danielles phone: (california by phantom planet, zack calling, way to ruin a moment, i shut off the ring)
mike: where were we?
and then it happened, he leaned in and kissed me and thats the story of my first hook up. it was sweet, until he squeezed my butt, but thats okay lol. then he kissed me on the lips goodnite and went home. i was honestly on a natural high for 4-5 days. every time he would see me he would kiss me on the lips hello, and everytime one of us would leave, he would kiss me on the lips goodbye. it would make me so happy, i finally felt like a big girl, and i really liked him. but then he started getting distant, and i got really confused, eventually he told my friend zack that i was "too sweet" and he didnt want to get involved. i was so upset about that, i was stuck in one of those "feeling incomplete because i have no one to love" moods. i pick bad people, i pick ones that dont like me, and then when i find that out, i find myself trying so fucking hard to make them like me. i shouldnt have to try, i shouldnt have to work at getting someone to like me, they should like me for who i am. it took 3 long talks with zack to figure that out, and even though i know he doesnt read this: thank you zack for everything, you've been the best friend i can ask for, so understanding and always willing to help and listen, if im sad, you're sad too, and i love you for that. thanks for being there for me, you're the best. "you're not doing anything wrong, just no one else is doing anything right." -zg
two nights ago my friend jenna came out, and once again we were all sitting in the gazebo and somehow the idea of being a lesbian came up, which progressed into: danielle and jenna should hook up. i didnt do it, for myself, but mostly for my friend victoria, whos had an awful past, something i wouldnt wish on anyone in this world, and seeing me and jenna almost hook up made her cry. she was absolutely hysterical, and i couldnt do it, i couldnt have on my concience that i was the one to bring back memories that made her bawl like that, so i didnt do it. she wouldve stopped talking to me, and i couldnt stand seeing her cry. mike was disappointed that nothing happened, and i later found out that he told zack: "no more danielle, shes too prude for me."

as much as i know i shouldnt like him
.because he doesnt like me
.because he labels me a prude when he doesnt give me a chance
.because i try so fucking hard to make him like me
i still do
.because he was my kiss
.because i cant have him
.because its a challenge
.because im still searching for that right person who i cant seem to find
.because i have this need to be loved
what ive come to realize out of this though, is the amazing friends i have out here. those that support me and tell me everydayy that they love me for who i am, because they comfort me, and make me smile thanks to all of you for being there.
thanks:
zack- for being my shoulder to cry on, i can tell you anything and no matter how stupid it sounds, you still understand, we're in everything together, know that im here for u, and thank for for being here for me
nick- for snuggling with me and making me feel loved, and also for making me laugh, ur so sexy lol
morgan- for admitting that you actually do love me, and for apologizing to contributing to my problem, also for letting me play with your hair
justin- for telling me you love me everyday, and showing me with ur giant hugs
victoria- for being my sister, you relate to me like no other and look out for me like no one else, thanks for being there ilu




so thats the scoop, now you know, hope everyones summer is going well, may all ur summers be filled with fun, sun, happiness and most importantly, love, because theres no feeling like being loved.
xoxo- danmorgan

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