anytngbtordinary
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2009 19 July :: 6.52pm
:: Music: Dark Star- Beck
I sense that I am too old to be blogging.
I thought I had it out of my system a couple of years ago yet here I am.
Maybe facebook just got boring.
My boyfriend's mom gave me a Goldfinch bird feeder for graduation. Its fantastic, we have birds at our house all day. I really wish I could motivate myself to go bird watching because its always so exciting to identify a bird you haven't seen in a while. Yeah I like birdwatching, so what? Ducks are really cool to watch but often hard to see on lakes and such (unless they are mallards of course).
I really miss singing. Rockband made me realize that today. I miss learning and expanding my talents. I would like to take classes at the community college. Problem is scheduling it around whatever job I get in the future. I want to take Arabic mostly because I'm fascinated with the Middle East and loved the classes I took at school. I'm also looking into taking and Early Childhood Education course because that may help with my future goals of doing environmental education.
Need to decide what I'm going to do about my gym membership. Right now I can't afford to pay $70 a month but who knows if I'll get a job or not this month. Oy.
Job job job job yob jahbuh gob george oscar bluth.
It will be strange to be here during the winter. I'm not sure I'll like it, Ohio got a whole lot less snow.
Well... I should try and contact Andrew though hes probably playing guitar.
-Jackie
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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anytngbtordinary
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2009 18 July :: 12.40pm
Went to a job fair today. Lady asked me if I would be happy doing that kind of work. I lied.
Andrew said I'm feeling sorry for myself. I guess hes kind of right. Its not so much feeling sorry for myself as it is being incredibly pessimistic. All I can think is that my life will amount to nothing and I know that kind of attitude isn't going to get my anywhere. Still.
I think I did pretty well during the interview at the job fair today though. The only problem I encountered was not being able to come up with any questions to ask...such as "When will I hear from you?" or "are there benefits?" Yeah nothing came to mind.
I have a really stupid looking scar on the back of my hand.
Yesterday I was doing really well with watching what I ate but then we went to Red Robin and I got a delicious BLTA (Bacon lettuce tomato/turkey and Avacado) croissant. Its 1100 or so calories. Wow. It kind of sucks when you start looking at what you eat and its all not good for you.
I want to be productive now that I've been up since 7:30 but I feel more like napping. I keep trying to convince myself to clean my room and then read but its not working. Maybe I will nap. I'm getting super tired.
Some day I'll finish 1984.
-Jackie
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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anytngbtordinary
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2009 16 July :: 3.02pm
It took me like an hour to get in here.
Why did I spend so long trying to enter an online journal I hadn't seen in 4 years you ask?
No clue.
It might be because every now and them I am catching weird whiffs of high school in the air. I suppose that happens when you become a townie.
Funny that this is my go-to journal writing style. I guess I always liked separating thoughts by gaps.
As I'm sure any of you reading this know, re-entering an old journal requires you to re-enter the mind of your past self. Re-read the old posts, re-read your friends old posts, reread the various comments. I have to say that re-reading made me bored. We were all the same. Our minds combined to form one massive blob of self-pity and teenage angst. "Our powers combined..." Except we didn't save the planet. Too busy wallowing.
So where am I now? Far beyond what I was? Perhaps. I am no longer driven by a need for drama or hatred of myself. No, fear is behind the wheel now. Like that Incubus song. I'm terrified of pushing myself forward. Here I am, a college graduate of 2 months and I still have no idea what to do.
I found this in a freshman year of college journal entry:
"And why they hell did I choose zoology?!
Who was I kidding? I can't do this!
What a dumb career path!
What do I think I can do with this?"
All valid thoughts as it turns out. Luckily I ended up adding on Environmental Science, but in this job market...psh.
I need money but I also need more experience. I'm just slightly terrified of beginning my life. What if I start out in the wrong field for the wrong reasons? What if I never end up loving what I do? Life is scary because I feel that people never get what they want out of it. I fear I won't ever get to travel again. I fear that I won't make a difference. I fear that I won't let myself live up to my full potential...or an even bigger fear....maybe this is my full potential.
At least at this point in my life, I have a better idea of who I am. Maybe.
-Jackie
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 11 June :: 1.30am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Strokes-"Razorblade"
Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.
A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.
I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.
Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.
To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.
I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?
Skeleton
To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?
To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.
Well, that just confuses things.
There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.
In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.
Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.
Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.
Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/
That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 18 April :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: happy
Boy, has life taken an interesting turn of events.
I was concerned i was not going to graduate, which i am now sure i will.
I am not a wallowing, lonely girl anymore. I accepted that i am too poor for a boyfriend and i need to get my life together before i can get one.
then i did. sort of. i think. maybe.
regardless, he made my night and morning super awesome.
i couldn't be happier right now, i think.
if i could, i welcome it. but i know that frequently brings horror. I am focusing on not allowing stress to get to me. it barely bothers me when i'm late to class and i don't care what people at school think of me anymore. it helps.
i was right to think about how i felt in hs. while i am more grown up, it's good to revert to the making yourself happy by doing things you want to do. i like to go to museums and to the lake and read books and trust me. doing those things rocks. by myself. and grocery shopping! yay!
so long story short: i am happy and it's awesome.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 12 April :: 3.49am
Gently distributed tenderness just melts me.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 16 February :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: The Funky Lowlives
stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.
actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.
i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.
i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 26 January :: 1.36am
my heart is heavy and my head is spinning.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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toki
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2009 24 January :: 5.54pm
I wish I could date rich korean guys
I hope that beotch will buy me shitty french food from her rich korean's restaurant.
If only I had the utter obscene talent to attract beautiful asian gentlemen.
Oh, that beotch is also very talented and not just at korean boys, at the very least.
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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mudpiegrl
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2009 22 January :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: craig ferguson
There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.
and who is sure of the future?
but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.
i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.
reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.
those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.
i only hope they'll let me freeload...
Are you in a Solitary Shell?
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