Broken Cds
I think it's really sad that nowadays teens resort to online quizzes and surveys to distract them from the boredom they suffer. I am guilty of taking part of the chain letter society by taking quizzes and forwarding them to my friends so they can complete the exact quizzes that I had done before. I think I've already taken nearly 100 quizzes by now (Ok, maybe not that extreme, but you get the picture).

So why am I disappointed you might ask. No, it's not because teens, including myself, all resort to Quizzila or the newly named Tickle as a source of entertainment. I find it all to be rather amusing. I'm actually disappointed because I recently learned that I won't be getting a car. Well, my family won't be getting a third car for that matter. Apparently my family can't afford to buy a car. I mean, I'm not asking for a Mercedes or a Lexus. I just wanted something small and cheap. Something that I could use for the two remaining years I have in Highschool. I'm pissed because I am so sick and tired of asking people for rides. I waste everyone's gas money and I wanted to be more responsible and drive myself around. And I really really hate calling my mom to pick me up because she's usually at work and then I have to wait 40 minutes before she even reaches Vernon Hills. So, I guess I'm going to be asking people rides, still. ::Shrugs:: It's just, I was so excited and my parents basically promised me that they'll get another car. I've been thinking about how after school I don't have to worry about losing my ride or missing the bus. And after rehearsals/crew I don't have to wait for my freakin' mother to take ages to get to school.

This is what I had in mind. We get a third family car...something much smaller because my parents seem to be obsessed with SUVs and because smaller cars are less expensive and don't use up as much gas. And so I figured I could use that car until I go to college (so for two years) and then I would leave that car behind for my brother to use who will be a Sophomore in highschool once I become a Freshman in college. Besides, I'm planning on going out of state and it would be difficult to take a car anyway. And once my youngest brother becomes a freshman, my other brother, Chris, can drive him everywhere since he'll be a Junior. I had it all planned out. I was even starting to research some used cars and stuff...but I guess there's no point. And I shouldn't be this upset becauase our family can't afford it...so I'm screwed out of a car no matter what. I would buy myself a car but I'm no where near being able to afford a car because I'm completely broke. I've been saving up my entire life...and then I started feeling guilty about my mom paying for everything so I started paying for my own personal things which I recently found out...if I had asked her for the money...she would've given it to me. So now I'm screwed. No one's hiring...and even if they were...I'd only be able to work 2 weeks and then would have to take 2 weeks off and then in another week or so school starts and I don't plan on working during the school year...for my own sake. I don't know...maybe I should work during the school year. Screw theatre. I've been finding that I have less interest in theatre after every show. Probably because of all the disappointments.

I really want to stage manage Dracula, and I heard that Kristen Meylor's not doing tennis which means that she could possibly apply for SM and then there would be no point in my applying because they probably will give the position to someone who's more experienced. I really, really, really don't want to ASM for her. Because for the remainder of the show and the school year, I'll feel as though I've lost, again. I'm extremely competitive...but on the inside. I may not seem like it because usually I back down when I sense myself losing. And I hate it. Because then I sulk about it...about how I'm not "perfect". I'm so scared. ACT's are coming up and I sense a score lower than a 20 coming up. Why? Because I know I'm not gifted academically. I never was and I never will be. It's just the fact. I probably could've gotten A's in math Sophomore year but I gave up trying because I knew I couldn't do it. That's why I'm dropping honors. What's the point in taking honors if I'm going to fail the class?

For the musical I know I'm going to be part of the chorus because I can't act. Oh god, everytime I think about or see myself act...it disgusts me. I'm terrible. Just absolutely awful. So if we lose this talent show...I'm most likely going to blame it on me. Why? Because I'm with two actors. Two really good actors too. Two actors who've made practically every single thing (not just plays) they've auditioned for. And what am I? The reject who's been cut from everything her entire life. I'm really realy scared that my "acting" will ruin our act. During rehearsals it disgusts me to see myself act. I know Goli and Matt are just trying to be nice by not saying...."oh maybe you should do it like this because it'll be better". So if we lose...if we don't even make it to finals....I'm really sorry. I'm apologizing in advance my mistakes. No, I'm not doing this for attention. The fault is usually mine.

During classes, people don't want to pair up with me because they know I'm dumb as fuck. How many times have I had friends talk to me...and then ditch me later for someone smarter? Countless times. Did I care? Not really....I accepted it like normal and was surprised when I was asked to be in someone's group.

I don't complain about people not calling me or inviting me because it's normal. I'm obviously not the pretty girl or the fun one so it makes sense to me. And no this isn't a fucking pity me entry.

I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I run all the time now because I don't feel good enough and so if I lose a couple pound...then I'll feel better about myself. So far it's not working. I'm losing weight which is what I wanted...then why the fuck am I still so angry? I get my motivation from anger and the anticipation of seeing him again. I know he's got better things to do. He has his work, his friends.....his girlfriend probably. Except maybe he broke up with her...I don't know. And like the sucker that I am... I still love him to death and don't care if he uses me as a rebound girl. He's done it to me before. He completely led me on before he got a girlfriend. That asshole! I hate him...but I don't. And I really really miss him. But why? I just don't know! There's nothing to miss about him. He someone I need to erase completely from my memory and mind you, I've been doing a pretty damn good job of doing so. I stopped thinking about him the entire school year. I even chose to move on. And now he's home and I think I want to see him...but I'm not sure. He's gonna go back in a month and a half...and I don't want him to.

Why am I still regretting everything that I did? I was in the shower the other day and I just started thinking (like I so often do) and I started thinking...Sandy you were such a selfish bitch beginning of sophomore. And so I'm sorry again Marina for being so damn ignorant and selfish. And I'm sorry to all those girls who left comments in this journal before I deleted everything. I was such a bitch and stupid and gah!. I feel like such a loser when I think about my sophomore year. I'm really sorry you guys.

This entry's way too long. But I don't care. I sound so selfish in this journal....which isn't weird. I am a selfish bitch. I know it and I admit it. I'm sorry to everyone who has to put up with me. I have so many fucking mood swings. I was so looking forward to my Junior year...I'm not anymore. What's there to look forward to? More disappointments? More failures? Yes.

Always, Sandy

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