you have the cool, clear eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth
do do do i'm bored. without the moore i'm just kinda sitting at home. i have this awful habit of not calling people...jorie's usually the one calling saying she's bored so come on over. then i get out of my house.

it's really wierd. these past two summers....well we're only a week into this summer....but it's wierd. i actually go out. you know? my whole life...i never saw friends once school ended. hell...i never heard from them until our schedules came in the mail. and even then i would be very surprised. people actually called me. my whole life..i've been confined in my home doing absolutely nothing. maybe that's why i can't stand being the same room as my brothers anymore....because i literally spent my entire life with them.

every year i dreaded summer. summer meant being locked up at home only going "out" on sundays to church. then after church it was time to come home again. maybe that's why i drastically gained so much weight in one year. because one summer i felt so insanely lonely. so bored and so alone. so food was my source of comfort...eating was something to occupy all my free time. now it's hard to lose the weight taht i gained. i mean....i'm not complaining as much anymore...i'm not obese...it's no where near a health issue. it's just...i miss fitting into a size 1....::sigh:: that's my goal for this summer....lose some weight....look "better". so far it's working a little bit. i've lost about 5-6 pounds already which is pretty encouraging. but moving on....i don't want to waste an entire entry talking about my weight.

last night was wierd. i decided to go online around midnight basically cuz i didn't feel like sleeping. gasp dudes...people IMed me. (a lot fo the times i go online to just sit...without talking to anyone...wahtever) and the jerkass from college IMed me...yeah i was surprised...it's like hey the jerkass remembered me after a whole year! anywho...i was just talking to him....."talking".....because it ook him at least 5 minutes to respond (he was probably talking to his oh-so-perfect girlfriend--i'm not bitter at all HA) anywho....he asked about highschool and hwo it was. i told him it was interesting...i was learning alot and not necessarily academically. and i kinda explained about what i thought about people and my old friends. he told me i changed a lot. that i was very mature. wow. i was like what the hell are you on? me--mature? hahaha let me tell you...i'm not the brightest person in the world and most of the time i act like a 7 year old. oh man..i'm so mature. i had this confused look on my face (i didn't even have to look in the mirror). ::sigh:: life is interesting. i hate so much about it....but what can i do? nothing...just kinda live. i hate just living. and the fact that i'm no longer religious bothers me. i don't have that inspiration to even care. i still believe in him...i know he's there. but i want to feel like he's here...not just there. i know taht doens't make much sense but it does to me. i used to be so religious....i'm not anymore. i gave up on a lot of things and religion being one of them. i always have this feeling of guilt about every fucking thing i do because i'm always thinking "God must hate me now for the way i act" "how can he forgive someone like me?"

i'll stop talking about religion in case it offends anyone. but it's really affecting the way i act...the way i talk...the way i think....the way i am. and i don't like it. i need to find me some inspiration.

Always, Sandy

2 people are in a Solitary Shell | Are you in a Solitary Shell?