mosquitos suck (no pun intended....patrice ;-))
i'm itchy all over... dudes i must have over 20 just from last night...mostquitos truly do suck (oh wow now i'm smiling...patrice you're a butt....a buttface to be exact). anywho...

i am bored. and by being bored i think. and by thinking i criticize everything damn thing about me. you know what my problem is? my self esteem is so low that it's pathetic. i know i talked to goli about this and i didn't realize how low my self esteem was until she flat out said "sandy, your self esteem is extremely low and you need to do something about it". she's right. i do. right now...i am at the point where if i'm not included...it's just something that's natural to me. i don't get offended...i don't get upset...it's just the way things are. i feel like i try to hard to "fit in". when i'm in a group setting...many times i watch myself from outside of my body (yes creepy..i know) and observe exactly what i do. i do thing for attention and i know it. but hey at least i admit it right? yeah.....

i saw kacie last night. i had seen her a couple times before...like when she came to see one of our shows....but last night was the first time in nearly 2 years that we actually "hung out". it was so awesome. the girl hadn't changed and boy was a i glad. you would think attending a different school and associating with other people would change her personality right? nope...she's still the kacie that i remember and love so much. i remembered why i loved spending time with her. she was one of those girls who didn't care about what others thought about her...didn't draw special attention to herself...she was very carefree and just an over all fun person. i could never be mad at her because how she portrayed herself was exactly who she was. she's also one of those girls who actually likes having fun...by that i mean when we play games/sports...she participates.....i know i suck but i try....she doesn't all girly saying she can't do it...she's the first to volunteer to join. she's awesome.

what is love? you know another thing i learned about myself? i don't believe in love anymore. i don't know what it is. i don't know what truly caring for someone is like. i thought i did. until the jerk decided he was too good for me. of course he found another girl who is obviously better than me...she has to be more outgoing...more flirty...more of everything...of course only the best for that jerk. now he's back from college and still treats me like crap. i tried talking to him the other night....cuz i hadn't since christmas...the boy signed off on me. probably got a call from his girlfriend...the one who's obviously better than me. grrrr just thinking about it still makes me cry. i trusted him with my life. i loved him to death. i don't mean i loved him...i truly loved him. he was...always there for me. when i was breaking down...nearly attempted the unthinkable...when i almost ended my life....he was the one who held my hand and helped me grow stronger and find a reason to live. when i believed that there was no more hope left for me....he made me believe. he saved my life.

and then he left me. he stopped talking to me altogether. that probably hurt more than everything else that i ever went through. the boy who saved my life left me and ignored me.

maybe that's why i don't believe in love anymore. maybe that's why when i start liking a guy...i'm a afraid....and i run away. i run away from every guy i start to like. every single one of them. and of course....i have no one else to blame but myself for my heartache.

now tell me...what is love?

Always, Sandy

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