I'm sorry it took me so long to come around...

I'm sorry it took me so long to come around...

:: 2005 17 February :: 11.20 pm
:: Mood: blah

sometimes this place is so beautiful.

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:: 2005 17 February :: 8.49 pm

I'm fucking broken. I'm happy but I'm fucking broken. I'm fucking scared,
I'm fucking bitter, I'm torn, I'm frustrated, and I'm fucking sick of
everything. I can't tell you how much longer I can put up with being
nothing. I can't tell you how much longer I can put up with being me.
I don't know how much longer I can handle being gone, and at the same
time, I don't know how much longer I can handle being there. If it's
wrong of me to say that I wish I was fucking dead, do me a favor, and
punish me with death. What the fuck is left? Healing's taking longer,
my patience is wearing thin. If things stay this way, and if I don't
get better, there will be a major turn of events. And I'm sorry to say
that it won't be a fucking merry one. To be honest with you, I never
thought I'd last this long, or be this deadbeat for so long, and still
fight it. It's a warrior against a minor, and the minor's lost all
respect for itself in the battle. I think I need to sit myself down.
I think things need to change.

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:: 2005 16 February :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: 12 Stones - " Hate the Way I Feel "

Its Bev everyone.. i dont think any of u kno me.. or kno of me but .. whatever..

casey.. Kid.. im going to missthe shit out of u.. u are MOST DEF my one of the only reaosns y i get up in the morning to go to school.. i kno that things rnt easy rigth now.. but things can only get betetr if u let them.. u kno that no matetr what happens josh and i wil ALWAYZ be there for u.. we love you..

lol i'l never forget the day we met.. how weird was that?.. im here 2 say goodbye now.. i'l b waiting here 4 u to come back..

love you kid.. take care.. im only a call away if u need me

xoxo

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:: 2005 16 February :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Brand New - Jude Law

Today was probably the worst day I've had in a long time. My head hurt
so fucking bad that I was litterally screaming "ow" during 7th and 8th
period and after school with Mrs. A was horrible. I was like dying and
I couldn't do any work and it sucked. As soon as it was time to leave,
I ran outside in the rain and it felt so fucking good. I waited in the
rain for like 10 minutes for my mom and cried the entire time. Thank
God school was over. Thank God I would never have to go back. I got in
the car and I was like, "I'm never coming back to school." and I just
started crying and wow. I got really emo. Today was an emo day. My mom
made an 'emergency call' to some place in Hackketstown called "A Center
for Change" and got me an appointment for 6:00. I got there and the
lady was like... psycho, but nice. I told her everything that only I
know, because I thought I could trust her. Although, I did ask her if
she would tell my mom anything, and she said no. So I just kinda spilled
my guts. ...To say the least. She knows like... my life story. So yeah,
tomorrow I have an appointment with the practitianer to pick up a
perscription of some sort and then I have to go back to Hackketstown.
I'm signed out of school for the next week, and by then I'll have found
out wether or not I'm being homeschooled. Things are sucky and that's...
really all I have to say. I can't update from home, so I don't know
exactly how much you're going to be able to hear about what's going on,
but I'll try to update somehow, somewhere.

I love you all with everything I have left.

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:: 2005 16 February :: 10.03 am
:: Mood: chipper

I just spend the entire period with Richard Michael Huffman. As always. I love that man with every little atomi in my body. ...uh. Ha. Not like that though, of course. He has the most seductive laugh though. It's like... ... ... yep. It fills the room and I love it. That kid is awesome to the max and that's cool.

I woke up nice and early to talk to Brandon this morning... WHERE'S YOUR HAPPY FAAACE? This is my happy FAAACE! ...ha.

Yesterday sucked a little.
I shopped at H&M.
It was sex.
So was Dan.

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:: 2005 15 February :: 6.37 pm
:: Mood: blah

This pain is growing stronger, the soft drones suddenly become louder,
exhaust fills my lungs. Remembering the only way to run from reality
was finding God in an Xacto-knife. Scratching, snapping, a quarter now
is too long for me to bear. Every jolt and every turn and curve calm
me, I know it's not that long until I can be alone. My legs, perfect?
My arms, the right way. My focus, is it where it belongs? One wrong
move and my arm deserves another. I can't even tell you how many times
I say that in a day. Alive. Would things be better if I wasn't? Cause
my head is fucking hurting and my eyes are fucking burning. Sound me
out, cause you won't want to hear this any longer. I was thinking how
great it would be to go to a Senses Fail show. So I can fucking scream.
How great would that be? Screaming my life with thousands of other
people who know exactly what it's like? How amazing would that be?
Thousands of scars dancing, thousands of broken souls screaming.
Thousands of apathetic, tired minds giving up for a few hours. "I
wanna die like Jim Morrison. A fucking rock star. I wanna die like God
on the cover of time." It means nothing, really. Unless you know.
Unless you fucking know, it means nothing. I fucking can't show my face
in school anymore. It's worthless and endless. If things get any harder
and people get any more stupid, it will be the fucking death of me. I
live for people like Ricky, and I live for people like Josh. Because
without them, I'd die of fucking boredom, and I'd die without knowing
what it's like to live. I'd die because I would never know what it's
like to bleed, and fight, and fuck up, and get fucked up, and to live
to tell your story. Just like me they're not out yet. They're still in
the fucking hole. I guess I'm a little naive to say that I'm not ready.
I guess the whole thing is a little naive of me. One day I'll regret
all of this. In another life, you know? Where I can just look back at
myself and laugh at what a fucking dumbass I was. How stupid I was to
think I'm living for nothing. And how stupid I was to leave and never
be able to come back. It must be a helpless feeling, you know? When
everything's finally over and there's nothing left to be said? You
can't change anything? Must be such a horrible feeling. It must be.

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:: 2005 15 February :: 10.18 am
:: Mood: blah

Today was strange to say the least, so far.
I'm wearing my prep to da max sweater as I like to call it.

Gym sucked.
Aerobics.
Yoga.
Whaa?

I don't like school at all.

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:: 2005 14 February :: 3.13 pm
:: Mood: content

Today was sucky, intercepted by periods of happiness, as I'd like to state it. I got picked up by Josh and... um... he got me roses. And it was strange. I didn't know what to say... He told me that he loved me and again, I didn't know what to say. I was like... "uh..haha :big smile". I got to school much to my dismay. I hate school. Slowly but surely I have developed a fear of school. Pretty soon, any attempt to get me to school will result in absolute refusal. Anyway. I saw Richard ;D and Adrianna ;D...

I fucked up during school.
I don't remember why.

I saw Brandon.

GODILOVEBRANDONSOMUCH.

and...

mmyep.

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:: 2005 13 February :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: [Montgomery Gentry] - [Gone]

I had a nice day.

My stepdad bought me a necklace and it was so pretty. I loved it. I didn't know what to say though... I felt really... strange... and... hm. I flipped the box over and the price was on it. Fuck. I felt so strange. Why would he spend almost 150 dollars on a necklace for me? I know it doesn't seem like that much, but still, the necklaces I usually wear cost 50 cents at thrift stores. After that I sort of felt a sense of guilt, and I kinda got nauseous. ..hah. I dunno... I'm really tired and I need to take a shower. ...but... I can't cause he's in the shower.

bah.

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