I'm so exhausted. I did a lot today... a lot of cleaning, but a lot of early sleeping to override the work I did. I should get good sleep tonight and wake up semi-okay in the morning, and hopefully go to school. Hopefully by then I'll have a voice? Perhaps! =O!

I haven't seen Brandon in so longggg... it's been like... 5678996 days. <- Just as I wrote that his IM box popped up. =] Gotta love that kid.

I've been listening to AFI a lot lately just cause the one CD is in the computer and woosh I'm too lazy to grab another?

I'm kind of confuseded right now. [Confuseded, hah.] People who have told me that the had feelings for me are now mad at me? I don't know, I... people are mad at me. Because I like someone else. I don't know. I'm really sorry if... somehow I hurt people's feelings, I... really didn't mean to, as I hope you know, because I'm not that kind of person. A couple of you I didn't even know you ... liked me. I just, wow. I'm really sorry if you're one of the people that I've been "leading on"... I don't try to do that, I'm sorry you took it the wrong way, I'm just a really... friendly person? I don't know. Sorry.

Hmmm, Josh might have gone to pick up the baby tonight. (1995 Ford F150 crew caabbbb dieselllllll baby yeahhhh!) It's a hardcore rammin truck. A loud motherfucker too. Maybe we might go into school with it if he got it. THATS hawt. I'm excited... Alls I know is, he got his loan on monday, so ... WOW EXCITING!

Ohh we dance in misery, and we dance oh oh...

This used to be my favorite song.

I have a bad feeling I'm going to be really "blah" tomorrow.

Josh Belverio hasn't called me all night.

I wonder why.

Pshhh...

I have no literature for tonight since Brandon never updates his journal. So I guess it's off to read Brielle's journal. K.

I know exactly what you're going to say, too. That you didn't write it? Yeah... how am I supposed to believe that when you fucking called me up drunk off your ass at 11:00 at night? You could have been doing anything drunk, including fucking around with my journal. I'm not angry, just annoyed. I don't feel like talking to anyone today.

This morning I woke up around 7 to talk to Brandon online but he had already gone so I went back to bed. Then I woke up at... 2. And just kinda sat around and tried to get my voice back cause it was totally not there. Fell asleep for a little and woke up around 3:10 and called my mom cause my voice was back a little bit. I don't remember what started it but I just started crying like a baby, and I couldn't stop. We talked for like 45 minutes about everything. She told me that she missed me and hopefully she could come home soon. I have an appointment in a few days to see a phsychiatrist... I told her I didn't want to because that's just more useless money she needs to spend. If anyone's going to fix me, it's myself. She wants me to because the medicine I'm taking seems to be making me worse. I can't believe I actually told my mom everything that I told her. She asked me why I was like this and I remember saying "I don't know mom, I'm so miserable all the time and every time I try to help you out it fucking backfires every time and I'm tired of trying." I totally just dumped everything on her. I told her I hated living here and I hated living period and I didn't want anything to do with being here anymore. When she asked me "What do you mean, here?" and I said "Here." and she asked me "Where is here?" I said.. "Alive." and she started crying so hard. That was the last thing I wanted her to hear but I couldn't stop myself from saying it, I just needed to tell her everything if she's going to get me help. She was telling me about everything that makes me so happy and why I shouldnt feel how I'm feeling, but she doesn't understand that that's exactly it. I'm so lucky to have what I have, and so guilty, and un-appreciative. Right now my mom is my best friend through this. I hate myself for making her cry. I can't believe I told her that, but on the other hand I'm so happy she knows. Things can only get better, I hope..

My voice is 89% gone... I have a little bit, but its croaky and crackly and really quiet. It better be back by tomorrow cause I'M GOING TO SCHOOL.

God I feel like shit.

You know, there are numerous things I hate about this song. One of them is the name of the dudes who sing it. Zutons? Who the hell names their band The Zutons? It sounds like croutons for christ's sake. Also the name of the song irks me a tad because... "can't get this pressure point outta my head"... That's exactly how I feel right now, but in a physical sense. MY HEAD REALLY DOES HAVE A LOT OF PRESSURE IN IT and it hurts my eyes and makes my nose stuffy.

Anyways.

Needless to say I'm home from school.
I just woke up, it's like... 2:09.
=O! Brandon's in math right now!
=O! Josh is in GYM!
=O! The other Josh is in WELDING!

How insane!
viusbgjksngkjdnd tired.

Braiinphreeze: it wasnt me
Braiinphreeze: i didnt sign in as u
Braiinphreeze: i hit the myspace thing
Braiinphreeze: i never signed on as u.. i wasnt even online
l Caught FlRE: ..ok
Braiinphreeze: ok.. so
Braiinphreeze: i wwant u to write an apology iun there 2 me now
Braiinphreeze: so flip u
l Caught FlRE: i have no apologies
Braiinphreeze: well ur last entry seems a bnit harsh considering i didnt do anything
l Caught FlRE: i'm really ... not.. sorry for being mad about you guys both judging brandon like that
l Caught FlRE: brandon.. and me.
Braiinphreeze: so i want a special fucking dedication to me now
Braiinphreeze: saying
Braiinphreeze: im sorry
Braiinphreeze: i told u i barely kno him
Braiinphreeze: i said as much as i kno
Braiinphreeze: u belong with josh

[What I want to know is why everyone thinks that but myself. Am I the only one who doesn't think that's my destiny? Strange that somehow everyone but me knows who I'm "supposed" to be with.]


Braiinphreeze: i wouldnt pull sum shit liek that
Braiinphreeze: i want u to be happy
Braiinphreeze: wutever dont b sorry i think u should b with josj but i wouldnt b that immature and do sumthing lei kthat
l Caught FlRE: you say "i thought you had better taste than that" and "ewww" and "Thats him? ew casey you can do so much better"
l Caught FlRE: you both do
Braiinphreeze: yea i do think that
l Caught FlRE: im not.. apologetic and i'm not yelling at you or anything
Braiinphreeze: but idc that u want brandon now
Braiinphreeze: cuz sooner or later u WILL b with josh
l Caught FlRE: i'm just fed up with everything now.
Braiinphreeze: idc wut u say
Braiinphreeze: ok but it duznt give u the right to flip a shit on me for sumthing I didnt do
l Caught FlRE: i'm not going to be with josh, he's my best friend and i care too much abour brandon to ever do that
l Caught FlRE: it was more inclined towards josh, you and him are the only two i gave my password to
Braiinphreeze: BUT I DIDNT SIGN IN AS U
Braiinphreeze: r u listening?
l Caught FlRE: i understand that, okay.
Braiinphreeze: i wasnt even online wen that shit happened so how could i fucking write that??!?!
Braiinphreeze: thanku
Braiinphreeze: now i want a fucking apology
l Caught FlRE: i'm not ... apologizing for something i'm not sorry for.
Braiinphreeze: how hard is it to say " im sorry iaccused u of writting qwut was posted "
Braiinphreeze: idc if ur not sry that i thinku should b with josh
Braiinphreeze: cuz i do think that
Braiinphreeze: but i didnt pull sum shit just 2 piss u off 4 no reason
l Caught FlRE: yeah i understand that
l Caught FlRE: all that entry was is a fucking... climax of everything you guys have ever said.
Braiinphreeze: wutver im guna go watch the president.. call me later after u took a midol
Braiinphreeze signed off at 9:11:22 PM.