OKAYISWEAR!

This is the last entry for the night.
I just forgot to mention.

Rest in peace, girl. Your death is such a shame. The paper setup only got in your way.

Anyways.

So I was in the elevator... and I was trying to get to level four to see my mom. This lady came in with her fucking annoying as fuck kid in the stroller that it was way too big for. From a distance, I noticed this buisness-like man approaching the same elevator we were in, but the doors were closing. So the lady reached over and pressed the "close" button. I gave her this look like... "What the fuck are you doing?" and I reached over and pressed the "open" button. When the door began to open, the man thanked me, and I put my hand on the door opening so it wouldn't close on him. Before he got close enough to step in, the lady fucking reached over and pressed the "close" button again. I was like "What the fuck is your problem?" and she was all "Why do the doors keep closing?" and I was thinking "Wow, you're a fucking moron." and I just walked out and found another elevator.

I couldn't stand looking at her tonight. I kept my tears to a minimum, but yeah. She looks so helpless and so unlike herself. I hate how there's tubes sticking out of every inch of skin she has and how she can't even move around on her bed to get her book to read. I hate how it's so hard for her to breathe. I hated it. I hated being there, and I wanted nothing to do with it. As far as I was concerned, that was not my mother. I sat and talked to her for 2 hours about nothing, really. The nurse gave me jello. I was like... "RAD!" .. ha. I was dying.

My ears are ringing and I have a slightly painful headache. It's probably because on the way to the hospital and on the way back I was blasting Bruce Springsteen tunes. God, I can never get enough of those. Music God.

Lol, I wonder what went wrong. You know? I mean like... what I did. Or perhaps it was what I never did. I don't even remember, and it's kind of sad that I don't feel like mending anything. Ha, I'm such a lazy ass. Maybe it's just not worth it. I love her with everything I have, but it's just not worth it. We still talk and I love her as much as I did back then. Whatever.

American Idol is the shit, the first couple episodes. I love it.

I uh... feel all clean and such because I just took a shower, but the upsetting thing is, my so called "Vanilla" body wash smells like coffee and that's sad because I wish it smelled like the scent that I payed for. Damn.

This entry may just anger a few people, make a few people feel loved, and I guess suprise a few. Whatevah. Know that I love you all. <3

I guess some people are confused?
Lol, trust me, I am too.

Brandon is just... an I wish. He's just something pretty to look at. I like seeing how he interacts with people and how he puts himself out. Sometimes it bothers me though, like I said before, about how he's so intelligent and such. I think he's a really nice and accepting kid and it suprises me, because looking at him and listening to him before actually talking to and knowing him, you'd think he was a total dick. That just kind of interests me. I wish there were more guys like him. He's just something special, I don't know. I hope he finds a girl who is just as intriguing and neat as he is. What a great kid. Cutie, too.

Dan... oh my Daniel. =] What can I say... He's beautiful. :) Everything about him. I love talking to him and being around him and such. He's just an excellent person to be friends with. ..Enough that I'm trying to keep myself for having romantic feelings for him because he's so special and I love him a lot. I love joking with him, and I love that he can be serious too, and I trust him a whole lot. I don't know, he just sent really good vibes out to me when we first starting talking again, I've never had any doubts about him. What a great friend. =] Even though I want him really bad. :GASP!: Love you kiddo. =D

Josh. My baby. I love him more than I've loved anyone in the entire world. I would do anything for that boy. I've never been able to trust anyone as much as I do him. Sometimes I'll do anything just to hear his voice. He's so reassuring and so understanding and I really love him for that. I love him so much. I know how annoying it is when people say "I don't know what I'd do without you!" but I really don't know what I'd do if he just got up and left me. I'm so lucky to have someone like him in my life. Sometimes I question wether or not if he really knows how much I love him, so I make sure to remind him often. He's more important to me than anyone in my life, behind my mom of course. I love how he knows exactly when to make me happy and exactly when I need a laugh. He reads my mind sometimes and it amazes me. Sometimes I feel like I'd almost want someone like that as a boyfriend type, but I'd be too afraid to lose what we have right now. If we wen't downhill by an inch, I'd be lost. I love it where we are and I love just being with him and talking with him all the time. I love you. <3 =]

I've had this CD for so long and I never really listened to it much because I thought it was shit, and now I cannot for the life of me take the phones out of my ears. Strange how that happens sometimes.

I'm totally crushing on him. I stare at him so much and all I can think about is fcking him. He's so beautiful, and so intelligent. So God damn intelligent, it makes me want to go down on him. It makes me sad that he doesn't realize how smart he really is, so he acts like a douche in class, but at the same time he gets all his work done and gets it done right. I admire that. It shows me that he is obviously a tad more intelligent than your average smart kid, because you can sit there and swear he's not doing any work and just jerking around, but by the end of the period, everythings done excellently. He's amazingly smart. God and he's got such a beautiful mind. I love boys with beautiful minds. I want to fck him oh so badly.

I'm just having a horny day.
I actually felt like kissing Josh today.

So the update is, the surgery is over and she's just waking up now. She's not allowed to get up or move around until the swelling on her chest/shoulder goes down a little bit, just in case something decides to hemmorage, God forbid. She says she feels "Okay", but then again, she doesn't really know what she's talking about. She can take visitors late tomorrow and on Thursday. I still feel like shit and I have that gut feeling that somethings going to happen. Maybe I'm insane. I don’t know, it’s just a lot to take in. I never really thought I’d see her deteriorating into death, which is essentially what is happening, because this valve is only temporary, and she's not going to get it replaced 368793 times. It’s just a lot to deal with and a lot to think about I guess...

I was sitting on the steps today and I saw a man and a woman sitting on the same step as I was, but on the other side. I noticed they weren't talking to each other, and simply looking straight forward. I thought two things, one was, perhaps they knew each other and were in an argument? On the other hand, why would they be sitting so close if they were arguing? Another thing I thought of was maybe they didn't know each other and it was just a coincidence that they were so close. I realized that was kind of dumb. Then I thought about it some more, and I noticed a softness in both their eyes, and their fingers were touching. Someone else thinks silence is more beautiful rather than awkward and strange. Nice.