Black roses and Silver tears

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2006 25 May :: 1.36pm

Unless I get $421.26 by Wednesday, I cannot go to France.

Any hugs would be appreciated.

:: 2006 22 May :: 2.08am

im going to cathy's mum's funeral in five hours. i made her a book.
it made me cry. it always makes me cry when i come down to thinking about my friends. the good ones, anyway. because i realise how special they are. and how i would miss them if they were gone. and what i would have missed without them. and how i love them now and will always. thats why i dont make those things often. it's tough to put it just right. to capture precisely how i feel. but i can guarentee that if you're reading this, you deserve one.

:: 2006 20 May :: 11.08am

I'm doomed.
I heard this on BBC World News last night/this morning:

"New research suggests that a diet high in dairy products can greatly increase a woman's chances of having twins.

A study in the Journal of Reproductive Medicine showed milk drinkers were five times more likely to have twins than women who ate no animal products.

The numbers of twins in the world has increased significantly in the past 30 years, in some countries by over 50%.

Scientists have suggested fertility treatments and women delaying pregnancy can help explain the rise.

But this new research indicates that diet can also play an important part.

Ovaries stimulated

In the study, the twinning rates of women who ate a diet including milk were compared with women who followed a vegan, or no animal products diet.

It is believed that a protein found in the livers of animals may be the cause. Called Insulin-like Growth Factor or IGF, it is found in cow's milk and other animal products.

In women it makes the ovaries more sensitive and increases the number of eggs produced. Higher levels of IGF improve the survival chances of an embryo in the early stages of development.

The effect is likely to be greater in countries such as the United States that allow growth hormones to be fed to cattle.

The researcher behind this study says that women thinking of getting pregnant might consider alternatives to meat and dairy products to reduce their chances of having twins, as multiple births are more prone to complications."

:: 2006 18 May :: 10.33am

This person is basically my hero.Read more..

:: 2006 17 May :: 6.04pm

I hear that our zoo is going to have a stingray exhibit starting on Saturday in which you can pet the stingrays and stuff.

The kite festival is on Saturday in Grand Haven and I hear that they will have glow-in-the-dark kites at night. I would love to do that also.

So those are my plans for the weekend. If you want in on any of them, feel free to call.

I love you all.

:: 2006 17 May :: 8.56am

My car is fixed!

:: 2006 15 May :: 12.05pm

Dad says we're going to get my car fixed today. I hope we actually do. I miss my car.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2006 14 May :: 10.29am

"German 'Robin Hoods' give poor a taste of the high life
ALLAN HALL IN BERLIN

A GANG of anarchist Robin Hood-style thieves, who dress as superheroes and steal expensive food from exclusive restaurants and delicatessens to give to the poor, are being hunted by police in the German city of Hamburg.

The gang members seemingly take delight in injecting humour into their raids, which rely on sheer numbers and the confusion caused by their presence. After they plundered Kobe beef fillets, champagne and smoked salmon from a gourmet store on the exclusive Elbastrasse, they presented the cashier with a bouquet of flowers before making their getaway.

The latest robbery is part of a pattern over the past several months, suggesting that the thieves deliberately set out to highlight what they perceive as the inequality inherent in German society.

However, the authorities do not agree. Bodo Franz, a police spokesman, said: 'They get off feeling they are just like Robin Hood. There are about 30 in the group. But whatever their motives, they are thieves, plain and simple.'

Carsten Sievers, the manager of a luxury supermarket in the wealthy Blankenese area of Hamburg, recently watched the robbers run off with trolleys full of expensive foodstuffs, including Kobe beef which, at more than £100 a pound, is always on their illicit shopping list.

In another recent swoop, the gang emptied a groaning buffet table in a top restaurant into sacks, while one of their number held up a sign saying. 'The fat years are over' - the title of a hit film currently doing the rounds in Germany.

In internet statements, the gang have made a point of saying their booty is distributed to Hartz IV recipients - the poorest of Germany's long-term unemployed. The benefit is named after the disgraced Volkswagen personnel director Peter Hartz who, before he lost his job with the car-maker in a prostitutes-and-bribes scandal, devised the new means-testing which is loathed and derided by society's most economically challenged.

When the gang robbed the gourmet store in April - triggering a massive police investigation that cost £20,000 in taxpayers' money without an arrest being made - they left a note behind saying: 'Without the abilities of the superheroes to help them, it would be impossible for ordinary people to survive in the city of the millionaires.'

Police say they are concentrating their investigation on a loose collective of anarchists and malcontents called 'Hamburg in Vain', to which they believe the superheroes belong. But they admit there is a certain panache and skill about their robberies.

The gang are also behind black market cinema tickets which they distribute free to the poor, and they have printed leaflets telling passengers how to dodge ticket inspectors on the city's underground and buses.

Mr Franz said: 'They try to make crime fun but are politically motivated.'"

:: 2006 13 May :: 9.49am

Bleh.

Yesterday made it 23 months.

23. Months.

For you bibliophiles, that's one month less than 2 years.

Two.

And must I further accentuate the YEARS? Plural.

:: 2006 12 May :: 9.22pm

I checked my grades and I have an Incomplete in one of my classes. Incompletes usually only occur upon a prearrangement with the professor because you're missing an assignment or you missed the exam.

I missed nothing. I was expecting a B or B+.

My professor has not returned my calls or my emails. I'm about to get desperate and call her at home.

Grr.

I love you all.

P.S. Kelly, I don't know if you saw it below but happy day of you. You have joined the old people group.

:: 2006 12 May :: 1.13pm

Last night Katti's car battery died. I went to pick up Nick from work and instead of reading and expanding my horizons with John Hodgman's book, I listed to Eddie Izzard for over an hour.

Apparently, it drained the battery. I had to get a jump from Nick's boss.

I returned to Nick's house, ate some foods and the car wouldn't start again.

Ben was asleep and no one else was home. I didn't know anyone downtown that could have given me a ride home. I called home and told them that I'd be home in the morning because the car wouldn't start.

Everything was okay.

Then this morning, I got a call from my brother and sister. They overslept even though they've been getting up at the same time for school for longer than they care to remember. Hannah's pissed because I'm not home. She calls my mom.

Oh, by the way, my parents are in Las Vegas.

I called Mom and got called irresponsible and told that my priorities are all wrong, that I broke her car and I have a loser boyfriend.

I ended up driving all the way home to take everyone to school and then all the way back to be late for work.

So, Kelly. Sorry but I don't want to chance leaving the house today and getting yelled at again. Have a beauteous stormy wet birthday. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not dead when my parents arrive home.

I love you all.

P.S. John Hodgman is the PC in the PC v Mac commercials y'all might be seeing. I was right. You all doubted me because he gained weight but I WAS RIGHT!

:: 2006 11 May :: 10.12am

"[T]he question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it."
Elaine Dundy

"For an actress to be a success she must have the face of Venus, the brains of Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros."
Ethel Barrymore quoted in George Jean Nathan's The Theatre in the fifties

:: 2006 10 May :: 9.18pm

Know what I love? Pressure. It�s awesome. Of course there�s the whole �do well in school� that everyone has. At least I�m in school, though, as opposed to some people. Then there�s the �you don�t do anything�. That�s fun, too, because when you�re never home, you�re clearly doing nothing. �You�re so messy. Why don�t you clean?� I�m sorry, am I impeding on your space? �When are you going to go running, Jorie?� Fuck you. I�m allowed to be a fat ass. After all, you are too. �You�re wearing that?� Yes, I am. I either don�t care or quite like it. Besides, I�m too fat for your fasionista attitude. �Hanging out with Q and Kristen are not going to help you get better.� Maybe not, but they�re my friends if it�s ok with you. �Don�t you have any friends at college?� No. I don�t like people at college. They have entirely different priorities, like being famous and experimenting with drugs and high school drama. �You�re not trying hard enough.� You�re right. I�m not. I�d love to spend all day doing artwork, but I have no means to experiment with the mediums I want. Nor do I have the time for it. �How are you going to pay for that?� With my money. From my job. That I actually have. �You�re never home.� Yea, I�m busy. �When are you going go-carting with us?� When I have a moment to be home/do homework/art/lose weight/clean my room and car. When I�m done with all that.
I love my family. They want me to be just like Tyler. They know damn well when he was eighteen he wasn�t doing shit. They don�t want me to be like him. They want me to be like twenty-five year old Tyler. Well, that�s nice and all, but I'm not Tyler. I'm Jorie. And I'm sorry that I'm not what you want. I'm not sorry I'm me for me. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect clone.

I'm sick of crying. I've cried nearly every hour of the day today. And I'm tired. I want to sleep.

:: 2006 9 May :: 9.48pm

So. Obligatory end of year post?

Sure. I'll do that. I have to do something to give this year some closure, after all.

I've spent another year at Butler and found that some things never change.

One, I will never ever have enough money. I will be perpetually screwed financially, and the best I can hope for is to survive up to the point where being screwed by Butler is irrelevant in any immediate sense. This is a result of the fact that my parents are changing their legal residence to New Hampshire, where they live. Up until then, we've taken advantage of various military loopholes that allow me to be an in-state student. My senior year I lose at least four thousand dollars in state funding. However, I won't have to register for classes again, and maybe I can save up to help defray that. I won't know until the time comes.

Two. People are the same no matter how old you are or where you find them. Many people are worth talking to, spending time with, even loving. Others are petty, greedy, and generally not worth any of the above. The people I've found are often variations on the same theme. These don't beg for respect. They take it. They simply are to be respected, without any need for them to cry out, "I told you so." I've met a few of these this year. Some people are distractions, but these new friendships... they are the diamond in the ashes, which I take in spite of you.

Some things have changed, though.

One. I'm becoming both more selfish and less self-centered if that makes any sense. I consider what I want instead of what is expected of me. I will not be guilted, manipulated, bullied, or abandoned when another more useful commodity comes along. My autonomy is coming along a bit. However, with this growing freedom is coming the realization that I don't have to need people to be around them. I don't have to be using them as a means to any end. It's okay for me to value the company of another person. It's safe to value the needs of others if I keep my head about me and remain conscious that their needs are not my needs. I don't need to mortgage my identity to anyone else to be relevant, but I can lend the identity I've chosen to the causes I value. The distinction may seem small, but it's a step in the right direction.

Two. Summer vacation isn't looming on the horizon as a three-months span in which life simply.... stops. I can spend that time with a young man I love very much, knowing that he loves me and is glad to have me around. I can go to my parents' house just long enough to see my cat. I can go to India. I can go to Ohio and get a job so that I can stay with Brian. Small sacrifices in order to gain everything worth working for.

Three. As I become more expressive of healthy emotion, I'm learning the difference between what's helpful and what isn't. I'm becoming a little easier to be around, very slowly and very gradually... but I'm getting there. I figure it's the least I can do for the people who stayed. They deserve that at least. The others? Let them remember me as they wish. I do not regret anything I have done. I was not unjustified in my scorn or dismissals all these years. I still have not been proven wrong. I simply intend to treat the people who love me with more gentleness than I've previously been capable of.

How are those for some changes? I am the same as I was, but greater in many ways. I will make different choices in the future than I have in the past, but the past is still there where it always was. I do not regret a moment of it.

:: 2006 8 May :: 11.56pm

I'm supposed to pick up Nick from work. He said he'd call me 45 minutes before they were going to be done.

It's almost midnight. I'm tired.

And worried.

I love you all.

:: 2006 7 May :: 8.49pm

Summer's barely started and I'm already bored.

I'm playing LOZ: Ocarina of Time again because it is a fun game and it's something to do.

Maybe I'll actually beat Majora's Mask and Wind Waker.

That would be fun.

I'm also reading this book on France that Nick bought for me. Every chapter or so, I have to stop reading and make myself stop freaking out so it's slow going. However, it is a very informative read.

It still freaks me out.

In other news, I want babies.

I love you all.

:: 2006 5 May :: 12.19pm

I watched Good Bye, Lenin! the other day.

It was good.

Except Yann Tiersen is a lazy ass and reused one of his songs from Amelie.

:: 2006 4 May :: 10.00pm

Well. I am a sophomore now.

I don't even know about France anymore. It's just too much money. We can't even afford the $500 "down payment" due tomorrow.

I don't even know if I want to go. It's just going to be more money that I feel guilty about my parents spending.

Ignore me, I'm on the rag.

I will be working 12-5 on Wednesdays, 9-5 on Thursdays and 9-4:30 on Fridays until I get another job then I'll hopefully be working every day.

I'm going to get my car fixed this weekend (or at least get an estimate on the cost of such fixing).

"Singing" while driving makes me happy.

:: 2006 4 May :: 8.27am

Today, I have my last exam.

Then I will be done with my first year of college.

Wow.

:: 2006 2 May :: 9.45pm

The man behind Neutral Milk Hotel, Jeff Mangum, is a genius.

Pedro the Lion is also a genius. You've got to admit that the rhythm and timing of Rapture perfectly captures sex.

:: 2006 2 May :: 3.02pm

ugh. just like everyone else, am stressy. school ends next week and i have so much i should be doing rather than typing in here, but im not right now because i just got home from school and im tired. i have to finish my costume and get patrice's bday present before friday. i also want to go get new clothes but that wont happen until next paycheck. but also, we need to look for apts. patrices mummy is being nice and looking for us, so that's helpful. im going to ask brittany/yoshi/joey and q if they want to live with us because amanda decided not to and patrice is okie with it. that would make things cheaper, assuming they have jobs and could pay the rent.
in other news, i was called a neanderthal last night, see my xanga for more extensive info.
oh yea. i really want to lose some weight this summer. i really packed it on this winter.

:: 2006 1 May :: 10.00pm

I want to drive my car.

:: 2006 30 April :: 5.54pm

The Dumbing Down of Love by Frou Frou was played on this past week's episode of Bones.

It made me giddy with recognition tingles.

That is a good song.

I love you all.

:: 2006 30 April :: 2.34am

Blue Roses!

For my own record, but I really thought someone else might think this is nifty, too.

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.55am

So, my mom didn't realize it was a sleep-in so it looks like I'm not going.

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.03am

I don't know how much of you know about the "nightwalkers," the tens of thousands of children in Uganda who "fear abduction by the Lord's Resistance Army, leave their villages every day to seek refuge in town before nightfall."

There's a nationwide sleep-in protest planned for today and one of the locations is here in Grand Rapids.

Hannah and I are going, so if you want to come too, call me before 6 tonight. Here are the details. They tell you what to bring and stuff.

Some people are walking from GVSU/Allendale to this thing and, rumor has it, some people are walking from Hope/Holland too. The goal is to walk at least a mile so you're commuting (a little bit) like the nightwalkers. I think the people I'm meeting up with (Emily) are going to walk from Aquinas.

Oh, it's at Rosa Park's Circle, I don't think I mentioned that.

If you want to come, call me before 6 tonight.

I love you all.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2006 28 April :: 6.16pm

You know what?

I've been away for a very long time, and now that I've come back, the things that were bothering me seem to have gotten a bit better.

The people I'm watching are writing entries that are more specific. They were always personal, but people are actually saying what's going on now instead of merely telling me why everything is pain and suffering when you're fourteen years old and damn doesn't it suck.

The grammar's gotten better. Even in journals I'm not watching. People are using English, and it gives me hope for the internet.

I'll still be on livejournal, but for those of you I used to know: I may be around more, trying to get to know you again.

:: 2006 28 April :: 6.16pm

New GM Struggles with Existing Paradigms!
Read more..

:: 2006 28 April :: 6.12pm

An update some few of you will be able to understand.
I just had an odd request from a high school speech friend of mine. I said hi and the first thing he did was ask me for the whereabouts of Caleb. Now, I realize that in high school I was the only one who knew half the time where the boy was or why. I realize that I stuck by him for nearly two years even though that junkie wasn't exactly the best thing to have in my life. He didn't have anyone else, because no one else would have been able to handle being with him. No one else deserved it, so I stayed instead and everyone knew it.

But two years after the fact... apparently people still expect it to be true. Joe seemed... sad that he hadn't spoken to Caleb in two years, and that he'd never probably see him again. I told Joe that I cut ties with him after graduation. This was largely due to certain actions on Caleb's part after graduation that really don't need to be hashed over again.

It's just strange to have that reminder again. Even weirder is that it comes after a very.... odd dream that I had last night. Something about Caleb and a non-descript friend of his waiting for me in a men's room to rape me. Then I tried to get a cop to go with me and he asked me if it could wait because he was taking a break. Odd behavior for a policeman.

Maybe I'll try to think more about what that dream means, especially when you factor in the introduction of the topic into a totally unrelated conversation. I'm either superstitious, fatalistic, or simply don't believe in coincedence. However you want to see it, this is strange to me.

If nothing else, it reminds me of how much better off I am now than I was in high school. I don't regret anything that I did. I don't regret the (arguably undeserved) devotion to someone like Caleb. I forget who explained it to me this way, but she was right when she told me, "You're the most important person in his life. I just don't think that you're the most important thing." For a while that was enough. It never will be enough again, though. I had never been with anyone who told me I was beautiful without the obvious motive of squirming his way into my pants, or anyone who sincerely told me that he loved me. Most of the boys I've known have loved me the way a smoker loves nicotine gum. A pale substitute for what they really want, but for now it's better than what they've lost.

I won't say that they didn't have their reasons. Caleb's first love died of a drug overdose. He watched her die. Link...well, there was Tara. I shouldn't have to explain it that much further. I can't blame them, but I can say that I'll never sacrifice myself to people like them again.