Black roses and Silver tears

:: 2005 29 October :: 2.06am
:: Mood: disappointed

Today was bad, and I know that�s no excuse, and so I�m sorry. I mean that with all sincerity. I know you don�t understand though. I wish you did.

You don�t understand the fact that your existence has been an experience like that in Alice in Wonderland.

At first, I curiously peered into the hole that stood before me. The cave was dim, but soon, sunlight came and I could see the cloudy room. The haze blurred my vision so much that I bravely took a step blindly. I assumed it would be a short fall: that what would come would not be a fall at all, but a decrease in height. I thought I would merely be standing in a puddle of water. I found I was wrong. I began to collapse quickly, and the hole lightened up, but only to the depths that I had fallen. A few times, I questioned my journey and grabbed hold to my slimy surroundings, gripping that which was trying. Reassuring myself, I allowed my swollen fingertips to loosen and plunged hopelessly once again. I rejoiced in the freedom of the descent upon release, which was quickly passed in the monotonous hope of a malleable landing. Of course, at the times of greatest hope, the light dimmed darker and I feared that I would not land, but stop falling and find myself shouting in fear at the roots of a tree, being awoken in a real world. However, the plummet continued and still does. I fear the light will dim once more and I will feel only a miserable rousing from an enchanting dream of tumbling freely.

:: 2005 27 October :: 9.25pm

Jabberwocky should be made into a musical. It'd be awesome.

:: 2005 27 October :: 3.34pm

I'm sick.

Someone should come over and make me soup and baby me.

I love you all.

:: 2005 27 October :: 12.05am
:: Mood: content

today was one of those days where i almost planned to loathe it, but it wasnt as bad as i thought, but, because of the expectation, i came out in the end saying, "today was not so great".

i met my mentor today. she's just as i pictured her. take a moment and picture someone from this information only:

Keri Walters
Dance Advisor

that's it. How do you picture her?

she's young, with straight blonde hair, thin, but not sickly, and happy.

so she's pretty cool and next wednesday am meeting wiht my advisor to sign up for classes next semester...

then the next wednesday am going to a play with her. so it'll be fun.

in other news, i got called into work today around five, when i still hadnt reached vernon hills. three people called off, probably for a party. so kristen and i went in, and although we said six, we had just begun eating at five til, so didnt go in until six forty or so. well, some mistake that was. the parking lot was packed, which it has never been since we opened. so we really were needed.
the reason that sucked was because there were things that i was so excited to do that i was planning what to do first on the train instead of sleeping! i wanted to write on justin's driveway in chalk and carve pumpkins with kristen and go to caribou and study and do my artist's statement. but no. "oh, could you come pick up everyone else's slack because you're really the only one who realises that 'job' means responsibility and commitment." grr.

yesterday we met the french kid/"king". i think we scared him. kristen told kirk's girlfriend like this:

"We were told to enter the house. so we did. we were greeted by a guard. the moment was tense, and then, when the guard realised we were okay, our hands were licked.
"Then, the next doorway brought us to yet another, who was seated at a table eating [broccoli and cheddar soup]. 'The king is upstairs,' he said in the most monotone voice.
"At the bottom of the stairs, we were once again greeted by someone, who exclaimed, 'hey, guys! he's in the bathroom, i think. wanna play with the psp?!'" {this is enthusiasm you can only imagine...}
"And after about twenty minutes of waiting for the King to emerge from the bathroom, we realised he was in his room, sitting on his throne!
"So, we went in. We said, 'HI!' and then said, 'BYE!' and left."

It could be summed up no other way. ah, kristen. making everyone laugh. :)

:: 2005 25 October :: 3.03pm

This is too right:

Virgo
The sign Virgo is symbolized by the Virgin.
Your sign's element is Earth. Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury.
You enjoy helping others and being of service. Virgo is shy, and prefers working behind the scenes. You are highly discriminating and a bit puritanical. Virgo is intellectual, critical, fussy, shrewd, logical, methodical, practical and has teaching ability. Virgo can lack confidence and needs constant reassurance.
Possible negative aspects of the sign Virgo:
You can be highly critical, cynical, sarcastic, unforgiving, nervous, self centered, and ridden by fear. You may also have a tendency to be unfaithful.

This is interesting:

Virgo Compatibility with Capricorn
Both of your down-to-earth signs are responsible, hard working, devoted, loyal and stable. You are each stubborn so you will have to work on that. Neither of you wastes money and you will both probably have good jobs. Savings is important as you have similar goals for your money. Being earthy, the chemistry between you is awesome - as I am sure you will have already noted. You have similar ways of showing displeasure (the cold shoulder treatment). If you do not hit it off right away or otherwise find yourself alone - don't worry - the next time you see each other everything will be fine. The chemistry, you know. It is a good idea to compare your rising sign to the rising sign (or Sun sign) of the person you are comparing yourself with. This will give you a more detailed overall picture of the relationship.

oooh...

:: 2005 23 October :: 12.04am

i have found salami. life is good.

i just returned from a really fun wedding. i think lauren and maria and kristen are my favourite people to work with. lauren is a bit of a tomboy and hates pink just as much as me lol. maria and kristen are just so playful that it's hard not to have fun with them. none of them are chastising or restricting; just act as equals, even though they're ten times more expirienced.

and i decided ama ask justin out. but in time.

:: 2005 21 October :: 6.07pm

I got into a car accident today. I'm fine, the woman I hit is fine, my car was fine, her car was fine. Right now I'm in Kalamazoo visiting Katie. I'll be home on Sunday sometimes. Um. Something.

Oh, Jessa, when are you moving? Are you working at that bank yet?

Have a nice weekend. I love you all.

:: 2005 20 October :: 7.42am

Last night, I was watching Lost and there was a frost advisory warning that popped up and proceeded to scroll the counties that were affected across the screen. This wasn't neccessary because they had a lutle picture of the counties in west Michigan and the ones with the warning were colored blue.

Anyway, they were showing some flashback from the Korean chick so of course they were speaking Korean. With subtitles. And the warning only came up when they were talking, with the subtitles at the bottom.

So, for a while, you had no idea what was going on.

:: 2005 20 October :: 1.38am

people are incredible hypocrites. understandably, one can trust in another until that trust is broken. but when one is angry at another for breaking the very same trust barriers as they have done, how can they be angry at the one to whom they told it.

i am not going to lie and tell them im sorry, because im not. its not that big of a deal to anyone else. he was right; i am souless.

:: 2005 19 October :: 8.27pm

Free Tibet... I'll take it!
Look who's back, back again...
Read more..

The Dalai Lama is going to speak at Stanford in November. Oh, how I wish one day that I might be able to see Tenzin Gyatso! Either way, you can watch his lectures at Stanford live(!) on their site. So it's a nice alternative.

There's a Free Tibet group in Michigan called TIBETmichigan. Starting on Sunday, October 23, they will show Tibet-related films every Sunday until January 29. You need to RVSP [re(accent?)spondez s'il vous plai(with-a-hat)t] to attend but it would be an awesome thing to go to. It's on Monroe Center, too so it's not too far away. You know what? I will go. If anyone wants to come with, call me. Here is their calendar and here is the event.

I love you all.

P.S. French is the most beautiful language. Songs in French are the most beautiful songs. This is not open for debate.

:: 2005 19 October :: 6.30pm

This is the cutest thing. Ever.

:: 2005 18 October :: 4.20pm

Girls are bitches.

:: 2005 18 October :: 12.49pm

Petra was just here. she ~~thinks~~ knows am mad at my mum. quite understandably, i think. Day after day, watching overlapping line ups with litanical commercials in between on every station, she sits. There is no mother in a creature that does that. I've accepted it though. Life is happy for me right now, but I suppose that's selfish. But that's the reason I'm not doing anything like Petra wants. I can't give up, though. Everyone has given up on her; I guess that urge goes along with wanting to be different. I pity people who have been left behind and collect the wrappings they leave upon discovering themselves.

I found out that I need someone to put me back on track every five years or so. Shaun did it back in third grade; Christine in seventh and eighth; Justin now. The people that I look up to. I understand what Justin says about needing to something for someone. I like to protect everyone and teach them if I can. I strive to understand, but understanding does not come from watching, but from being. Therein lies my camoflaging skills, which really aren't all that great. That's why, when I hang out with someone for a while, their style and ideas rub off on me, as they do anyone. But from those things, I begin to understand.

Petra thinks I'm troubled, wounded. Everyone has been wounded, only they heal up and become scars. I think mine has a thin layer of skin on it because right now, I'm comfortable with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. I'm sure if something happened, it would hurt once again though. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but she sort of made me think. She went so far as to say that even my dad is an alcoholic. You'd think Tyler would be cautious, having such a history. But he isn't which is probably more of a worry to me than my mum's health.

It seems like something that should be buried because of it's recent death, but it's always got a finger poking up in the new ground. I don't think I'll ever be able to bury it, but then again, that's what's made me who I am, so why would I want to?

:: 2005 18 October :: 2.14pm

So last week, because of budget cuts, three people at work were laid off. And I mean people, not student workers, people who had worked there for 5 - 30 years.

There were two people laid off in the Registrar's and Advising office, where I work. One was the receptionist, Michele, with whom I worked and loved to death. She'd been working there for four years. Her daughter works on the floor above us. One advisor was laid off, I didn't know her very well. Across the hall, in the Registrar's office, the person who handled all the graduation stuff was laid off.

They said they chose to lay off the people whose jobs could be taken over by others.

So it was really sad on Thursday, when they told everyone what happened. Since both offices are run entirely by women, everyone was crying. Even today, people were still upset. And they had reason to be. They are all very close, throwing parties for birthdays and parties for holidays.

So that's what's been happening. It's been upsetting because everyone feels guilty that they still have a job. Especially the student workers.

I love you all.

:: 2005 16 October :: 1.34am

am eating eyeballs and cheese cubes...it makes me soo happy!

no one will get both of those, even if he or she gets one.

:: 2005 15 October :: 4.25pm

Why should you go to Aquinas?
This next week, all week, we have no school. That's right, a week-long fall break.

:: 2005 15 October :: 1.50am

today has gone quite well!

my brother got me a bday present! the Z! book! EEP! and then we talked for a bit...i told him about express and such, and then we talked about boys...lol...i told him i had a good day...i got paid $234.49...i had some overtime...but now i have monies! thats awesomeness!

so the other thing that happened, which is why it was a good day and what i told him, is that dianna is now out of the picture. she made the stupid mistake of lying to justin. i dont know quite the point of lying anyway, cuz it always comes back to you, but happily for me, he could tell me about it. that made me excited. strangely enough, just today i was thinking about how itll be one thing thatll put me first in the race...and look...i had to do nothing!

so that is just a happy thing for me. i didnt see kristen today, which is weird that she didnt call or anything either...must be playing ddr or in trouble again.

however, i did see stunkel and danny and jackie and corey. jill was supposed to come to but she didnt. i dont think she knows that there is no particular dislike on my side. i can deal with her, in fact, id like to see her. anger is an easy emotion for all; even easier to forget for me, especially since its been so long. i dont see why i couldnt hang out with her...i dont understand sacrificing a friday night because you dont like someone. then again, thats the problem with most things isnt it, that you dont understand.

well, good night.

defiant

:: 2005 14 October :: 9.16pm

I'm thinking this coming Wednesday or Thursday I want to go to the Hookah Lounge. Anyone interested?

:: 2005 12 October :: 8.00pm

Happy anniversary, sirrah!

:: 2005 10 November :: 11.27pm

if you havent yet, read the entry previous to this...especially if youve been in on the whole justin deal...

i was reading through some of my entries and i found this, simply because it had pictures.

you should visit it because it makes me know i have some portion of a soul...::glares at mushroom::

Past Entry

:: 2005 10 November :: 10.48pm
:: Mood: scared

am being daring currently.

am asking everything i want to justin...thats bad...that makes me annoying.

but i am...so ill know...becasue i need to.

me: i wnat to know the real reason you wont go out with me because you know that i have ot know the reason for everything and i want to know what's going on with her solely because the secrecy drives me mad
me: am not even jealous just curious
me: and you have to understand that you are impossible to forget as much as ive tried
him: well i dont want a gf at least not now otherwise id already be datin one of u and especially wen u asked me bout it b4 cause thats wen all the chanel bs was goin on
him: does that answer ur question

me: that its because am not one of "the hottest girls on earth", because that's all you date...because am not fragile-looking...because am a virgin
me: be honest (i can complain about nothing that comes after this...i asked...)
him: lol no i think u forgot that i jus lost my virginity less then a year ago and ive only dated and had sex with 1 person since and also none of my gfs are the hottest by i appreciate the opinion from ur friends lol and besides ur pretty cute

okie...now thats happy...my brain is set straight...good night!

goose

:: 2005 10 October :: 8.26pm

My parents are watching Wan Helsing...that brings back soooo many memories. Many good and many bad...but overall its a happier feeling reflecting on the experience

:: 2005 8 November :: 10.11pm

my mum brought me like fifty chocolates fro m a wine tasting to which she went! eeP!

if you havent watched it yet, watch Good to Be Square you have to play the music composer thingy, too. its the last tab.

um...today. employee meeting...breakfast...nothing important.

last night=interesting.

for the first time, i saw justin as a child...someone who still has some growing up to do. he got drunk enough to puke for a while, and zack and ian went upstairs to sleep, i went outside with him. i rubbed his back and brought him water and kleenex, because i figure thats the nice thing to do.

apparently, its not common; at least not for him. he said he would leave himself...strange.

he's got all these beads spread out on a table, but they have no string to hold them together. what i mean is that his ideas a thousand and widely knowledgable, but has no basic logic to hold it together.

He laughed at me, saying i was like his mum, only without the grounding; weird, but it made me think of freud's theory...no good lol.

jen said its okie that i cant let go...but then, i know i will get hurt. that's my defense, letting things go. she argued that it's more difficult to let things go, but a sharp weight on your shoulder will only be healed by dropping the object.

i really wish i knew his reasoning for not wanting to go out wiht me. i hate the fact that "am too much of a guy friend" for people...it makes me feel like i have no options. and the fact that i know my body plays into it is a bit of an ouch. cuz how do i change that? zack excaimed tonight in quite the same way sean from chuck e. cheese did that "holy crap, [my] calves are huge!" how do you take that? yes, i am aware that i am not tall and slender; dare you point it out more? weight isnt even that much of an issue. i like the fact that am not a stick, and rather muscular, but its a little tough on the conscience.

i dont know. last night, i liked spending time with justin. he laid on my lap and shivered in the cold, and despite the cold, i did not shiver when i gave him my hoodie. i liked the fact that i could hold him and care for him, that he was in my arms and i knew he was safe. i liked being there, even though he was sick. am glad i went over there, and i hope to go with him wherever he feels its necessary to drink, just to make sure he's safe. i guess that means i care about him, eh?

guess that explains why i wont give up...

:: 2005 9 October :: 10.30pm
:: Mood: blank

Blah blah some old speech blah crap blah
Being a woman sux0rz.
Being hormonal sux0rz.
Thinking with your amygdala sux0rz.

I love you all. I hope you're doing okay. I know I'm not home a lot because of school and stuff but I still have my cell phone. So if you want to talk about anything ever (I don't care if you want to tell me how hard you gave it to those hookers last night, tell me ALL about it) call me. Tell me what's going on. Tell me how much you miss your dog (which I swear was ~~NOT~~ BLACK, Kelly). I don't care what you want to tell me. If you want to talk: I'm here.

:: 2005 7 November :: 12.52am

this is a ridiculous day. i come online and no one is in a good mood. im frustrated wiht mushroom...he says things that should not be said, or maybe could be in a joking manner but are said so often, you wonder if they're just a joke anymore...

then q is upset cuz he cant pay for college cuz his mum wont next semester, which may just be a threat but scholarships...i wont let him make the same stupid mistake jill did.

zak must talk to someone or they will die...that's all i got.

justin's thoroughly confused as to why mushroom doesnt like him...and i know why but he's not on, so i cant tell him. i guess ill text him...

i cant intern anywhere in the city because i dont live down there i have to find scholarships and such so that my parents can help plus a job...or two...

in other news, zack and i both got the job at express...

um...i guess thats it...sad, eh?

defiant

:: 2005 6 October :: 1.32pm

It's been a long time. I live on the bottom floor of a duplex now. So far I'm enjoying myself. Halfway through the "Green Mile" by Stephen King. Work's going pretty good, I'm full-time meaning I have my own insurance and everything. I'm getting a second job at the end of October as well as the current side job I have now. All in all I'm climbing out of a hole, and I'm feeling the stress fall off my back. I love it.

:: 2005 6 October :: 6.02am

I think that doing our French project last year (the second fairy tale, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, not the first) had to be one of the best times in my entire life.

And up until three seconds ago when Nicole reminded me of it, (Je suis un ninja comme Jackie Chan, WAH-TAH!) I had totally forgotten.

:: 2005 1 November :: 1.17am
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: crickets

so hello.

just got back from a wedding.

yesterday was pleasing...i finally asked all that needed to be asked. whether i understand or not is another story.

um...i paid my mum back for refilling my bank account with one check from SW; that's happy.

if you're bored, go to play MASH online. it's fun.

i actually kind of forgot what i was going to type in here...

i met a six year old who not only knew what the confederate flag was and drew it with his crayons, but who said blatently, "i just really like history". Starts early, i guess.

erm...i dont really have anything that interesting...

yesterday, justin, zak, and i went to a concert, but it sold out like twenty people in front of us...so we went to olive garden...mmm breadsticks...then to the park for just a bit...then to denny's, where we didnt spend that much time inside so i was okie with it...but apparently, i look like i belong there...the convo went like this..."see, you guys look like denny's kids; those guys look like customers" the other kids were all colourful and pissy wehn he tried to talk to them. wolfy's a nice guy, but i dont want to be in a vh denny's for my night life when am 22. The other interesting thing was that i was accepted into a group...which its been quite a while since that has happened...like...i dont know...its not necessarily a real acceptance, just being able to say taht i have a particular group of friends, whether they match or not, is something i miss.

i dont know why i cant forget justin...we decided on the fact that nothings going to happen...so its been left at that, but i asked all my questions and am more comfortable with it now, so i dont knwo...we'll hang out and just be friends and i kinda hope it changes but if it doesnt, i guess, oh, well, because what am i going to do about it, really?

alright am done...i have to get up early to get a facial at kristens tmro...woo!

g'night.

:: 2005 2 October :: 1.52am

Hello.
I guess I should tell you about school, now that I have time.

College is the best thing that I have ever encountered. (Next to Nick, of course but normally I don't call meeting Nick an "encounter".) All of my professors are nice (even though my I&E prof channeled Mr. Watson yesterday), none of my classes are lectures and I haven't slacked off as much as usually. School is so much fun. My friends are awesome to just hang out with, all the clubs I'm involved in are either on topics I really care about or things I'm really interested in and the girls outnumber the guys 4 to 1.

My French professor is also the Spanish prof. She speaks French for the entire hour. At first, I was really afraid of that class but as it got going, I realized that we aren't learning anything. Then Shayne and Nicole told me that Mrs. Dudka is pregnant and on bed rest again so they aren't learning a thing either.
My English class (I&E) is okay. It's really a waste of time but since I didn't take the AP test and it's required...I'm trapped there. The prof, Dr. Dawson, is a hippie.

My PE/Health requirement (Nutrition, Exercise and Stress) is just that, a requirement. I'm trying to get it out of the way so I can be happy an unhealthy for the rest of my life. The prof also teaches the pilates and yoga classes at Aquinas so of course we had to do those things. Pilates smurfing sucks.

My math class is alright. I hate math. I hate algebra. My prof is pretty awesome and nice. She also explains things very nicely. I understand most of everything. Mostly because I've learned it all before and it's pretty much remembering. I hate factoring.

At Aquinas, freshmen are required to take this Intro to Information Literacy class that teaches you how to use the library and research things for papers. It's actually kind of interesting and fun but I'm a dork. The professor is the co-director of the library and, for some reason, loves me to death.

My web page design class is great. It's all done in Frontpage so even if I didn't know how to insert pictures, I could find out in less than a minute. The professor wrote the first college textbook on HTML and is pretty "hip". He grows all of his own fruits and vegetables, his house is run on his own generator, he loves spelunking and he cannot remember any HTML. He loves cars and music too. Pretty cool.

My friends are awesome. I met my friend Jeremy at orientation. We usually eat lunch together. Sometimes his sister, Elysia, comes along. She's a junior and transferred from Saginaw Valley State University. They're from Caro, some small town on the other side of the state. Shayne used to eat with us but now he's too cool. He's in my I&E class though so it's okay. I see my friend Emily once in a while. She's in my French class and in both SAC and the radio station club. She rocks. And she's beautiful.
Life's going pretty alright too. I got a job on campus at the registrar's office. I only get about 10 hours a week so I was thinking of maybe getting a weekend job too. We'll see. The only sucky part is that we work during all breaks. Which means that I don't know if I can go see Katie anymore.

Nick and I are doing great. We keep running into these crappy things (that I bring up because it's my job to over think everything.) but we get right through them. We keep talking about getting married eventually or living together next year. I hope it happens eventually. It'd be nice. Nick's a really nice guy and I hope he sticks around for a while longer. We're coming up on sixteen months. It's awesome!

On Wednesday, I got up the courage to drive myself to school. Ever since then, I've been driving everywhere. I love it and I never thought I would.

Anyway. Life is awesome. School is awesome. Yeah, I'm stressed and worried about a bajillion things but I'm having fun and growing up. That's all I wanted. Hopefully I can start going to church again. I keep wanting to but I make a thousand excuses every single time.

I love you all. I hope everything's going great for all of you. I miss you, Kelly, come home sometime. The rest of you all need to come home too.