Please read this, anyone who cares about me:

wow. so yeah my life is pretty much completely effed up.

Okay, so I don't think I can make it in college. My dreams of being a nurse are pretty much shot. I just honestly really don't think I am capable of doing it. I'm sorry, but I don't. It sucks, but I don't. I really just think all I'm cut out to be is a mom. And I guess that's just the way it goes. School is not for me. I hate it and I'm just not all there. It's not in my heart I guess.

I honestly think once you get to be a senior or at least just a little older and you start to see the world and what a bad place it really is a little bit better, you really start to realize that what they teach you in school is almost all USELESS. I mean, yeah some of it sure is going to be relevant but a lot of it is pointless. Like, I can't BELIEVE I wasted a semester (haha, like that's a measure of time..) of my life sitting in Current Events class. I found some of my old papers from that class and seriously if I could rename that class I would name it Penmanship because that is ALL we did is copy things from written documents THAT'S ALL! It was totally and completely pointless. Also, I can't believe I sat through Foundations although when Mrs. Gallert came into the picture, she did teach what needed to be taught, but for the semester before her, it was pointless.

I just think I am going to find a school to go for Cosmetology. Yeah, it makes me sound like I'm going to be a nothing all my life, but really ... I feel like I couldn't succeed at doing anything much greater than that and I feel like WHY spend the money to go to college to just find out I can't do any of the things I wanted to. And at least cosmetology would be a steady job and I could have kids and still work part time and then go back and always do that job when my kids are in school. Really my main goal in life is to have a WONDERFUL family. Which is a good goal for me. Honestly like yeah I'm a little disapointed I won't be able to say I have a DEGREE in something, but at least I can have a wonderful family and good life. I just honestly don't think i"m capable of it.

I've come to realize something... it's extremely easy to say "I'm going to be a nurse" But to actually DO it is a totally different thing. It's hard. And although the words "I'm going to school for nursing" have came out of my mouth a million times. It's a hell of a lot easier said than done. I absolutely HATE school and I struggle too much in Chemistry and math to be able to handle it in college.

So basically- sorry mom and dad, I won't be your prodigy child, I won't be the one you're most proud of. I'll be the dud in your eyes. But in my eyes I'll have the best life out of all of them. I'll be the one who's not swimming in money, but enjoying a wonderful LOVING family. Something you never experienced and one day maybe you'll see it too, and wish you could have it.

And well just think of it this way: 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

Right?

f u ck school. It's just hard because I know I will forever be looked upon as the mess up. Whatever. I'm not going to be what YOU want me to be. Sorry.

I thought I really wanted be a nurse. But when it comes down to it, I don't even know if I would be able to stick a needle in someone. I thought it would be great to know I helped make a baby healthy enough to go home. That'd be a great feeling right? But what if something I did messed something up and KILLED that baby. What if I killed someone's baby that they had carried around for 9 months and waited and waited for the day it would be born and then 3 days later some mistake I make kills it. I just can't have that responsibility. It's way to extreme. Going into cosmetology the worst I could do is give someone a bad haircut.

I know my family will think I chose this because I'm moving in with Roman. Which, say that to yourself, does that really make any sense? Does moving in with Roman have anything to do with my choice of not becoming a nurse? Obviously not. It's not a decision he can make for me. And it's not affected by him. It's me. One thing might have changed my decision though. I would have at least wanted to TRY it IF my parents would pay for my college. But since I have to pay for it on my own, why would I want to take the chance to waste my money. Like, part of me still would like to go to college and maybe find a different profession that would be good for me, but it's like... why not just do this cosmetology thing so I don't have to spend money on finding out that I don't want to do nursing or whatever else.

I don't know.... MAYBE there could be something besides nursing where I don't have someone's life in my hands. But honestly I don't think there is anything I would enjoy. And I wouldn't want to go to college. I honestly just don't think I have what it takes. I can see the foreshadow already. My grades are going to s hit . And I just don't care anymore.

Oh also, how can something so "IMPORTANT" as the ACT's be messed up? On my score sheet it was correct, but I guess when they sent it to the school it now says my math score is a 31 (hahaha, impossible!) and my reading - an 18. Those should be reversed. But with this simple mistake, I could get into a higher math class or whatever or have to take a simple english class. Ugh it's just so dumb.

So good. And that's all.

P.S. I wanted people to read this, especially if they are in college.... I guess to give an opinion. Maybe a suggestion of what I could do instead of nursing. but not for just an encourgement of saying "YES YOU CAN" because I dont want to hear it because honestly, how would you know if I can or not? You dont' know. I think I know myself better than anyone else does. So I guess... opinions please but no praises.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly