godessalthena
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2019 3 September :: 7.29am
we are arriving at the final warm days off summer, soon it will be fall and then it will be winter.
I feel like I'm moving in show motion as time hurdles past me.
I don't know what I want. I don't want anything, but I also want it all. I miss feeling like there was real adventure in my life.
maybe there never was. I want to move to a new city and see what different and exciting things I can find. I want to move to the country and never love in a big city again. I want kinda kids, I want to be a kid myself forever.
I honestly don't care, either things will happen or they won't. why fight against the current when I can just enjoy the ride until the waterfall throws us off to our deaths?
that is, if the river doesn't dry up first... like my optimism about the future.
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godessalthena
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2019 27 August :: 8.27am
shake shake shake seniora shake your body line
work work work seniora work it all the time
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godessalthena
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2019 21 August :: 10.58am
FUCK CAPITALISM
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godessalthena
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2019 30 July :: 9.35pm
Kind words, kind looks, kind acts, and warm hand-shakes, - these are means of grace when men in trouble are fighting their unseen battles. -John Hall
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godessalthena
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2019 30 July :: 7.05pm
I thought for the longest time capos were called "catbows" and I couldn't for the life of me understand why they were called that
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godessalthena
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2019 23 July :: 10.44pm
being gamey boi with mah boi makes me happy
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godessalthena
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2019 21 July :: 10.24am
I don't think I want this for the rest of my life.
why is alcohol so important in America and why can't they all just stop being alcoholics?
the bathroom still smells like puke.
bleh.
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godessalthena
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2019 18 July :: 6.22am
been feeling a lil better lately, like the dark cloud is passing for now.
if only it would go away forever
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godessalthena
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2019 8 July :: 10.52pm
As a child I was taught that to tell the truth was often painful. As an adult I have learned that not to tell the truth is more painful, and that the fear of telling the truth -- whatever the truth may be -- that fear is the most painful sensation of a moral life. -June Jordan
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godessalthena
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2019 8 July :: 12.53pm
I wish I could have been born a cookie cutter happy robot who enjoyed getting wasted with strangers.
my life would be so much easier.
I wouldn't be losing my job.
I wouldn't feel like I have no friends.
I would be able to just live life with nothing but a smile and a blank mind with nothing in it but me me me
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godessalthena
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2019 6 July :: 7.30am
one friend tries to kill himself and ended up in the ER (glad he didn't succeed, definitely mostly a bad med combo issue.. that stuff really scares me)
another friend trying to kill himself with a failing liver. after spending a week in the ER and being told he can't drink ever again, the dummy never goes to a follow up appointment and is now dying on someone else's couch in the middle of nowhere. like... killing himself with inaction.
it breaks your God damn heart. and you want to help that's all you want to do, but what exactly can one do.. I try to be there, but maybe I'm just not trying hard enough..
or maybe there's no way to stop a train from going off the tracks?
sometimes I feel the same way as them.. the only thing that honestly holds me back is the fear of the unknown of the after. I don't know if I want it to be nothing, hell, or something else. but what I do know is I'm afraid to face all the horrible things I've done, I'm afraid of nothingness, I'm afraid that I won't deserve what I get, that I won't get to see my passed on loved ones again.
I just really hope it's what I imagine it to be, only I don't want to come back this time I just want to turn back into a star and stay there for a while.
fucking plastic.
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godessalthena
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2019 2 July :: 3.40pm
when all you can feel is devastated
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godessalthena
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2019 2 July :: 7.38am
learning how to be a gamey boi so I can spend more time with my sweetie... so far so good. I don't mind being the worst as long as everyone is having fun.
I am feeling more optimistic than yesterday. I just really need an attitude adjustment at work, it's just hard when every day is a boring and redundant disappointment.
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godessalthena
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2019 27 June :: 7.49am
didn't get either of the jobs. spent most of my vacation feeling super belly sick. wasted a ton of money. felt bad about myself.
just really in a dark place trying to stay above the current
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godessalthena
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2019 19 June :: 6.28am
3 days until the really adventure starts
feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.
been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.
good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...
or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.
I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.
you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.
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