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:: 2004 11 February :: 1.43 pm

You know how you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think you know someone is talking to/about you. I have that right now, but I'm still not sure.
If that is the case. I wish you wouldn't hate me. I don't hate you at all. I'm sorry I wasn't direct with the way I was feeling, but it took talking to Ryan later that night to actually know. Sometimes I still don't know though. He said he was worried about me. I was depressed. I was sad because I missed you. I was sad because I could never tell my parents or anyone anything. There were other reasons. He asked me how could I trust you. I said I just knew I could. And it's true. And it was an awkward period of my life, you have to understand. I don't think I'd be upset right now if it was just some relationship. It was special. I obviously still have feelings. It wasn't your fault...of course not. It wasn't mine either though. I don't think anyone wants to hear about the past, so I won't go into detail about what was wrong with me. Just really depressed. And everyone could tell but me.
Anyways, Ryan talked to me that night.
I'm being honest. I really was honest with you. I just didn't know what was wrong. So how could I explain it if I didn't know for sure? I always told you what I knew. It did end abruptly. I never thought that was right. And I'm going to feel really dumb if you weren't even talking about what I am talking about. I wish you wouldn't hate me. If you did love me, you would have cared.

I'm sorry.

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:: 2004 11 February :: 1.24 pm
:: Mood: excited

Almost done with school. 1:19. Becca and I are going to be going nonstop all weekend. I think. Fun times ahead. I have an interview at 8 in the morning on Tuesday. Blah. That I am not looking forward to. But yeah. Right now, I am trying to catch up on school. Until 2:06pm today. haha.

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:: 2004 7 February :: 6.10 pm

Survey Time
Some Random Stuff
Full Name;:Hilary Ann Miller
If you the opposite sex, what would your name be?:something crazy
Nicknames;:Hil, Holiday, Hilly
Birthdate;:10-03-87
Birthplace;:Grand Rapids, MI
Astrological Sign;:Libra
Current feeling/mood;:worn out
Current worry/annoyance;:That my room will NEVER BE DONE!!!
Natural Hair Color;:Auburn
Current Hair Color;:Auburn with highlights
Eye Color;:poop brown
What color is your bedroom?:right now? took off the wallpaper so it's peach and white...soon to be RED!
Is there a theme to your bedroom?:There will be...black and white and red. with lot's of art.
What size bed do you have?:Futon
What color are the sheets and blankets on your bed?:black and white waves.
How many people can you fit comfortably in your bed?:3
Who is/are your best female friend(s)?:lot's.
Best male Friend(s);:lot's.
Which of your friends have you known the longest?:Casey-6 years
Which day of the week is the best?:Friday
What do you usually do on that day?:Go to the resturaunt. Goof off. Skip. Stay out with friends.
What are some of your hobbies?:Reading, Music, Painting, playing with puppies.
Are you popular/nerdy/an outcast/ or just another face in the crowd?:I don't know, i don't really think about it.
About how many hours a week are you online?:not very many. probably 4?
What is your screen name?:hilaryann13
What does it stand for?:my name and a number.
What is your ethnic background?:white
Who in your family do you look up to most?:my parents.
When you grow up what do you want to be?:An aspiring artist and a chef. Maybe I could tie the two in together someday.
Do you plan on going to college?:yes
What do you want to major in?:Culinary Arts
Do you have a crush?:No
If so, how long have you liked them?:N/A
Do you care to mention names?:well...her name is...Hilary. Don't tell anyone please.haha.
Whats the longest you've had a crush on someone?:I'm not really sure.
How long have you gone withOUT having a crush on anyone?:A while.
Have you ever been dumped?:yes
How many bf/gf's have you had?:5 or so.
Have you ever been in love?:yes
Still a Virgin?:no
Ever recieve/give oral sex?:yes
Ever have a crush on someone you had no chance in hell with?:yes
Ever had a long distance relationship?:yes
Ever made out with someone?:yes
Ever done 'anything' with a member of the same sex?:like make out? yes
Are you sexually active (as of late)?:late? huh? i don't know.
Do you believe in god?:yeah
Do you practice your religion often?:...it's a big issue.
Do you worship God, Satan, or are you an Atheist?:God.
Do you think you look good?:sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Do others think you look good?:i'm not sure. not right now.
Do you intentionally cause damage to you body?:no.
If you could change 2 laws what would they be?:i don't know. I guess voting age. Maybe...that would cause a big ordeal though...
Do you think Jesus Christ Superstar was a bunch of crap?:huh??? i remember the music. oh yeah...uh...haha.
Your Favorites
Color;:Red
Type of Music;:I like a lot of music.
Band/group/singer;:Davey Havok.
CD you own;:AFI/Silverstein/FSF/NOFX
DVD you own;:High Fidelity/Trainspotting/Fight Club
Place to go;:Scavenger Hunt/Gold's/Skelletones
Thing to do;:Go to concerts.
Person to talk to on the phone;:Becca
Person to talk to online;:
Animal;:daschunds
Name for boy;:Conor
Name for a girl;:Morgan
Actor;:Johnny Depp/Edward Norton/Anthony Hopkins
Actress;:Scarlett Johanson (sp?)
Comedian;:Will Ferrell
Movie;:High Fidelity
TV show;:That '70s Show
Thing you own;:lately? my paint set.
Broadway/Off-broadway Musical;:Midsummer Night's Dream
Sport to play;:Golf
Sport to watch;:none!
Football team;:no
Baseball team;:no
Basketball team;:no
Hockey team;:...no.
Type of Clothing;:Sweatshirts. Pants. Underwear. haha.
Clothing Brand;:i don't know anything.
Place to travel to;:Maine.
Time Period;:The late '60s.
Word Assosciation
Blood;:shed
Stars;:light
Cars;:muscle
Tigers;:zebras
Lions;:safari
Bears;:fuckers
Hearts;:broken
Soft;:smooth
Hard;:on
Long;:road
Short;:person
Tall;:trees
Small;:hands
Cow;:moooo
Horse;:fast
Cake;:icing
Sexy;:red
Cold;:feet
Hot;:chocolate
Doctors;:bright
dogs;:barking
cats;:biting!!!
goldfish;:dying in the filter
water;:salt
sand;:hot
dry;:drought
wet;:rain
technology;:computer
lamp;:light
God;:around
The devil;:around
Chocolate;:yummy
Aliens;:green
Halloween;:ouiji
Easter;:candy
The tooth fairy;:is cheap
Christmas;:depressing
St. Valentine's Day;:hallmark
Your Friends;
quietest;:
loudest;:
most outgoing;:
most shy;:
best hair;:
best smile;:
best personality;:
best body;:
best sense of fashion;:
most preppy;:
most punk;:
most unique (style, personality);:
best singer;:
best actor/actress;:
biggest drama queen;:
best driver;:
best cook;:
has the best house;:
smartest;:
dumbest;:
blondest;:
has the most common sense;:
crude sense of humor;:
best sense of humor;:
dry sense of humor;:
most trustworthy;:
least trustworthy;:
most musical;:
got the best car;:
lives in the best neighborhood;:
most annoying;:
most friendly;:
Other Random Questions
Lucky Number;:13
Favorite type of food;:Italian
Favorite food in general;:grilled cheese. so easy to make.
do you have any pets?:yes
if so what kinds and names;:2 daschunds, Oscar and Meghan.
If you can have one thing, anything one thing, what would it be?:right now? a new computer monitor.
If you could talk to anyone dead or alive, famous or not, who would it be?:i'll get back on this one...
What is your favorite drink?:Cranberry Juice
Do you drink?:occasionally
Do you smoke?:sometimes
Do you take any drugs?:yes
Do you want to have sex before you get married?:If it's the right person.
Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder?:yeah
Do you like new york city?:yes
Are you athletic?:not really
Are you flexible?:yeah
How lazy are you on a scale from 1-10?:5
If you had the power to cure one disease what would it be?:cancer
If you could change one thing about they way you look what would it be?:don't care
If you change one thing about your personality what would it be?:i don't know
What are some of your bad habits?:I get nervous all the time. I pick at food. I get annoyed easily.
Good habits;:I keep my word. I listen. I try to help.
If you dye your hair any color what would it be?:Black and Blue
If you could peirce any body part what would it be?:my nose.
Do you have an body/facial peircings?:yeah
If so, where?:just ears
How about tatoos?:yeah
if so, where and what of?:star, left ankle
If you could get a tatoo, what would you get?:i'd get a better star.
If you were offered 2 or 3 million dollars to be in playboy would you?:no
Do you like long surveys?:sometimes.
Did you enjoy this one?:I haven't done one in a while, so yeah i guess.
did it take you more than a half an hour to do this?:yes
Was it long enough for you?:YES
Are you glad you're done?:yeah. i have to pee.

Very Random Information brought to you by BZOINK!

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:: 2004 7 February :: 5.09 pm

It was time for a change. My picture is now something I painted today. I painted these flowers that I got for my mom. It's for her birthday. I really like it. I like oil paints, they're just a major hassle to clean up. I have paint thinner all over me and I smell stinky. It doesn't seem like Saturday, and it doesn't seem like I was at Sarah's this morning. It doesn't seem like 5 o'clock. Last night was fun. Alice In Wonderland is a very odd movie.

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:: 2004 7 February :: 5.08 pm
:: Music: The Pixies- Trompe Le Monde

You say really dumb things.

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:: 2004 4 February :: 1.48 pm
:: Music: TPR

It's only cold when you sleep alone...
Pink chimneys in Maine couldn't keep me away.
~

I haven't written in a quite a while. I don't remember what I wrote about last, but...Today has been good. I have to get my mom a b-day present tonight. I am not eating lunch just so I can get her something, so she better like it. haha. I don't know, she's done a lot for me lately and I think it'd be nice. I'm going to finish painting my room soon too. Red. And the other night I got a really nice set of oil paints and some new canvases. Magnolia is a weird movie but I like it. School is going to be over pretty soon. And...I don't know what else to write about. Besides the fact that my butt hurts right now. I'm sitting weird. Blah de blah blah.
:-J

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:: 2004 26 January :: 1.51 pm

I had some of the weirdest dreams this weekend. Well. Today is almost over...school-wise. And what I said, it's how I feel. And it's the truth as of today. I mean, right now. And the time has come for some things to be done tonight. Yep... I wonder why people do these things. Well, 9 minutes till school is done. Mr. Norkus thinks we're going to have a snow day tomorrow. I hope we do too.

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:: 2004 25 January :: 3.34 pm
:: Music: [Elliott-Song In The Air]

I am in love with Elliott.
I want to learn electric violin. Or violin for that matter. Violen. Violin. I don't even remember how to spell it. This weekend has been nice. Jess and I have spent a lot of time together. It's great because I haven't gotten to in quite a while. Yesterday was one of the scariest days ever. Today I painted. It felt nice. I just need to get some things off my chest. Just lots of confusion going on right now. I...don't...know...what else to say.

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:: 2004 21 January :: 2.36 pm
:: Music: [Elliott-Pull Like Drag. Bleed In Breathe Out]

And they see inside. And they barely breathe. And the sun will rise. And they'll come to see. And they seem to show. Would you rather leave? With your soul beside.
Will you barely breathe?
~

I haven't really been feeling like myself. I know there's always that time of "who am I?" But I thought I already got through that stage.
This traveling class I'm taking really is awesome. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so confused. I really want to leave the country. I have some fascination with Europe and I will live there someday. I want to go after I graduate. But I'm not sure I'd be able to live that way.
Today is the day. I have yet to hear.
It's coming back again, after a while of being fine.
Oh-
and...

P.S.-
Cinnamon Jelly Bellies are gross.

[END]

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:: 2004 14 January :: 3.12 pm

But tonight would have gone way smoother had we had more beer...
And the kids would say while I sat and watched them play
"Hey there kid are you a boy or girl?"
hahahaha
~

i'm really mad at my computer. this screen is still screwed up. we're supposed to get a new one any time now. Yeah...right. I can't even see what I'm typing right now. grrrr!!!!
This week has been weird kind of. Last night was nice. But I am so excited about tomorrow I really hope we don't have a snow-day. Sounds weird but I have some things planned. Blah. I can't see on here. i'm off!

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:: 2004 12 January :: 5.15 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: [the early november- the room's too cold]

ever so sweet you make this seem. the way things go, it's not my fault.
I'll miss you so good.
~

I am in love with The Early November. I am in love with Jeff from that band.
~
Today was pretty good. I am no longer fearful about something that is quite life-altering. That's good. This weekend has been fun! But we had another family Christmas on Saturday and it was kind of different. My new uncle thinks he can just come into our family and make us do things the way his family does. Call me a sucker, but I like tradition. Anyway, that's over. Had to serve a detention today and that was massively boring. I can't wait till our half-days. I had an evaluation today from some caterers. Fun fun. not. haha. Well...ta-ta.

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:: 2004 4 January :: 12.05 am

I need it to snow. I need it to snow and I need someone with me. I need it to snow and I need someone with me to be snowbound in my house.

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:: 2004 4 January :: 12.01 am
:: Music: TBS

Yeah. I figured this would happen soon enough...

I love spinach dip. It is good.
The thought of chocolate makes me sick today...very very weird.
Babysat today, crap. That's the most productive thing I've done all day. I love SNL. Well, while babysitting all we did was play Tony Hawk 4 on his PS2. It was fun but I kept getting yelled at for running into his guy and knocking him down and then beating him repeatedly at graffitti. I am a loser. I need to do my homework but I think I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I guess...

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:: 2004 1 January :: 7.20 pm
:: Music: AFI my love :-)

Great start to the new year. But today I haven't exactly done much of anything. Last night was great fun. Ryan the drunk is hilaryous. I loved confusing him. hahaha. Forever December sounds great. Things are shaping up I do believe. *knocks on wood*. Well. Off to go eat whatever crosses my path...chips...sandwiches...little children...
haha kidding...

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:: 2003 30 December :: 10.44 pm
:: Music: [The Transplants- One Seventeen]

I can't explain the fear.
But I'll try and shove it to the back of my mind the next time you kiss me.
I just don't want to fall off this tightrope.

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