oh, the dissapointments
If something hits you, it hits strong. When you finally think you have found something, it comes back, fucks you up, and makes you realize something. Makes you realize that you were wrong, and that nothing is forever. You never knew someone as well as you thought you did. I will never be able to trust someone with my feelings again. They will just come back and do it all over. They will break my heart into a million pieces, and I won't be able to glue it back together again...
I don't really care shit that I'm not making any sense, if you know me you will understand. It will haunt me forever.

When I finally take a chance. I finally take a risk. It isn't even him, it's his cousin. Nothing ever works, nothing ever makes sense.

Continued at 5:34-
I can't believe I wasted a whole year on her. I gave her so much, she gave me so little in return. I'm not even gonna fucking speak metaphorical here, I am just so angry right now. All along, I thought we were friends. Even though sometimes she did treat me like shit, I never took it that seriously. All the little things add up, but sometimes that isn't enough. But then the final blow came, and I was so overwhelmed. I can't fucking believe that she can't just suck it up and apologize to me, for once. It just makes me so sad, how I wasted a whole year on her and never stood up to her earlier. This is the final straw. I can't fucking do this anymore. I'm done and out.

Living in a Shell forever
It's funny how when you're younger things are so much different, not only to you but also to the people around you. When you have no social life, no one to be around but your parents, and everything in life is bundle of joy, you are not worried about certain things. Your parents think you're great, and they let you do whatever the hell you want. it works out great, because guess what? You don't do anything ever. It works for you, it works for your parents. Until one day you discover new forms of life, new reason to live and you break out of that shell. The shell you have been living in for so many years, and never thought of getting out of. When something better comes along, you are eager to get your hands on it. For some reason, even though you are living your life and you finally have a social life that is worth bragging about, your parents pull you back. They pull you back in your shell. "No, honey. You're not ready yet" they say. I hatched already, I can't crawl back into the already broken shell. I can stay in it for as long as you force me too, but I will still just sit there, look out, and see all the magical things going on around me. "No, honey. I'm just protecting you.". You can't protect me, there is nothing to protect. I am no egg anymore, I need to learn how to fly...

FINALLY
When you get something you have truely desired for a longer period of time, it is such a rush. I can't even relate here, it isn't fucking happening to me. I feel a rush, I have never been this happy for anyone in my life.
You deserve it, you know who you are.
HOT DAMN

Forbidden Fruit
I'm not allowed to take a bite, I'm not allowed to lick it. I'm not even allowed to look at it. Not only is this fruit forbidden, it is truely toxic and poisonous. It is beautiful indeed, but often that is the truth of it; the most beautiful thing is often a very dangerous thing as you get closer. I promised I wouldn't talk about this anymore, because it was tearring me apart. If I cannot win a battle against my personal self, it is less likely that I will win their battle.
Just one more thing; I still haven't found a solution. I can't help it, I want to kill myself.

As time passes by, the more time I spend around Americans, the further I assimilate into American culture, the further I grow more American in general, there are some Danish principles I will never forget. Mainly modesty. I can never stress this enough, and I will never be able to express how important this is, but modesty is the key to society. You ruin so many people by being a conceided ass, and the other way around. That is really the one thing I would say I am glad I held onto for this long, it has brought me far. As obnoxious, loud, self centered, and stupid people might act sometimes I have never forgotten to be subtle and thankful when good things come to me. If someone praises you for whatever reason, thank them and tell them that is it nothing.
Modesty is a necessity, not a priviledge.

Fake
These last couple of days have been filled with nothing but reality and fakeness, if that's a word. It's pretty ironic how two such different things, in reality, are so alike. When we read The Catcher in the Rye, I never realized how much I really do agree with Holden, and how right he is. I truely disliked him when I first aquainted him in the book, but now I figured it out; he is absolutely right, this world is full of them. They are all over the place. Phonies.
You say one thing, you do another. It just doesn't work, even though most of us do it; and some more than others. And these are the people I am focusing on here. It both frustrates me and angers me when people cannot stick to their promises, cannot say something and actually do it. The excuses are overwhelming, the excuses are too much; I cannot fucking listen to it.

Getting older
Birthdays are the one thing we all have in common, every human was born on one day out of the 365 days each year. Each year, every person, grows a year older until finally they start rotting- and pass away. I never understood why birthdays were celebrated with such joy, such happiness, it is nothing but a different number each year. I've almost reached my next number. I almost reached fifteen. You never quite realize the reality of it, before it hits you. And for me, it always hits me about 6 hours before. I was born 12:57 on January 18th, 1989. That adds up to ca. 6 hours. A month before, when you start thinking about it, you start looking forward to it. But now, now I am starting to fear what it coming up. Birthdays are never what they are said to be. Birthdays are only special for the one person, no one else cares shit (except of course Dorina in my case). Every year you expect your birthday to be the best day of your life, each year you are dissapointed. The best days of your life usually happen when you are caught in the moment, on any random day. Hey, at least I'm not going to school on my birthday- what a fucking shame.
Happy birthday Mette, go fuck yourself up!

I'm confused, but for some reason- that word doesn't cut it.
At some point, you have to sweep away all the dirt and look at your result- A clean, sleek finish. If you keep putting off the cleaning, at some point it is obvious that the dirt will pile up, and swallow you whole. If you just maintain, and clean up once in a while- you will not get overwhelmed. There is my intro, now here is what I wanna talk about- straight up (no salt):
I have made some important realizations these past few days, and I think they are realizations people make everyday but it's overwhelming, in a bad and a good way.
Friends are an amazingly powerful thing. I always had friends, that's not it- but I just never saw the extent of it. Isabel was always there for me, and she was my true best friend but she was always hard to reach, her being so far away and all. And now, after such a long time I found it- once again, only it is much easier because we actually go to the same school. It's just such a joy, especially going through these complicated years together just having someone by your side to help you, someone who will always understand you. It's a great thing. I always felt a pinch of jealousy and envy each time I looked over, and just saw two people so close. You could see, just by looking at them, that they were best friends and they understood every single thing about each other. Maybe people can look at me, and think the same? In any case, I'm really enjoying it.
But with all the joy, sorrow comes and even though it is not as pleasant discussing, it is a part of life.
When you understand someone more than they understand themselves, it is definetily not good. Especially not when you cannot tell them, because you know you will hurt their feelings this way. It aches inside me though to tell her, to tell her she is not perfect. I know friends are supposed to be supportive of each other, but sometimes when someone turns all cocky on you- 24/7- it gets to you, big time. Even though, I feel like I read her better than she reads herself there are still so many things I don't understand and know about her. It just makes me very sad, it just makes me realize that all this time- I never really knew her, and that is also why it is hard for me to be supportive and understanding. The only solution, when you really think it through, is being as true and clear as possible. Shady people get nowhere, when you want to get a point across you have to say state it directly. I did today, and I realized, as hard as it might have sounded in her ears, it gave her a reality check and made her maybe think twice about the things the says- and thinks. As I come to think about it, I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly why I did the things I did. At least in this situation.
I realized many more things, these past few days but most of it is too complicated- and only Dorina would understand anyway, so I might as well spare you the pain.
Have a nice serious talk once in a while, it doesn't hurt.
Mette

no subject
I'm being swallowed up into something, I don't want to be a part of. I am overwhelmed. Each time I turn a corner, each time I turn around, each time I try to feel at ease- right there is my worst nightmare. Even if they aren't there, I think they are and I am worried for nothing. I can never just let go, and be free just in fear of hatred. No one wants to be hated, even as much as I really don't care shit, sometimes it gets to you and bothers you, no matter how strong you might really be. It's tearing me apart, I feel like I can't live my life with them looking over my every move. They are critics, commenting and especially criticizing my every move. I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, there is nothing that can be done. I'm so lost, I should have never started it. And all because of a stupid crush...
I won't write about this anymore, not that I don't want to, I could talk about it for hours, but everytime I let their names escape my lips, it breaks me. I'll be completely gone, if I don't watch out for myself- and stop bothering myself with them. It's going to be a long hard journey, and I won't stop until it's done.
Don't ever start loving someone, it'll get the best of you.
This is not a promise, so I cannot guarantee that I won't break it, but I will try not to write back about this situation until I have pulled its roots. Wish me luck, I hope I make it out alive.

Hands down, I surrender
I'll do anything to make it stop. I'll do anything to make them stop. I don't know what to do anymore. It was all fun and games for a while, and even though on the outside I might still laugh I am hurting. I am hurting on the inside, and it's becoming a mental problem, and it is becoming extremely difficult for me to deal with.
The truth is, as much as it drives me up the wall and leaves me in the dirt, I am not able to fight back. There is not one thing I could do or say, that would make it stop. It has come to the point where I have no control of the situation. I'm a doll whose every move is being controlled forever.
I'm just so lost of everything. Lost of words, lost of actions. I have a subconscious feeling that it is ever lasting.
It's too frustarating, I want to rip out all of my hair.

Realizations
I realized something. I always blame them. I always tell them, they're the reason of any kind of wrong doing. Everyone thinks they are guilty. No one knows I'm the true factor of crime here, or at least half of it. Even though he and his friends too are half of it, I am the other half. As much as I do not want to admit that I bother them, I do. They bother me too, but how is that valid backup if I bother them too. It's not fair of me, I realized, to accuse them of being little conceited bastards when I am no fucking different. This fact, really makes me hate myself. I am no different than them, I am in no way above them. I always thought I was, but I'm not. I am the exact same, the same piece of crap. All of these months of looking down at them, from my pink sky way up high, not realizing soon I would sink through it and fall down and break just like them. We're all the same deep down, as different as we might appear, we're all the same.
There is really a pretty easy solution, you might say. Raise above them, stop sinking down to their level. But as easy as that might look from a far, it really isn't. Once you get started, you just can't stop.
It's a fucking drug, I swear.
Maybe I still like him and that's why, or maybe there's simply nothing better going on in my life to be doing anything else. Whatever it is, I am waiting to find out. I wish something more exciting was going on, but once again- I dissapoint you.
The Victim/The Crime,
Mette
p.s. For anyone who wants to get me a HOT TOOLS straightening iron for my birthday, go right ahead!

CIGAM
Life is a magical thing. As much, as it might bedazzle, confuse, excite, or even anger you it still is magical. Maybe there really are aliens out there. Maybe God really does exist? How was something like this created, from absolutely nothing?
Bi-polar... I was thinking, in reality, doesn't everyone have two sides? Two personalities? One side never shown to the world, the other free to any kind of judgement and evaluation. Some humans are more 'split' naturally, others are just more together and free with themselves. I don't think it exactly means that you are insecure, if you have to such different sides to you, but it might show you do not exactly know where you are headed- yet.
Everyday I go through seeing people act differently than they did the day before. It's a part of life, I know. It is still thrilling seeing so many people act so different, depending on the situation. Sometimes we just need to take a while to observe these changes around us, and just let it all in. It feels good, even if you're not enjoying it.

I think I finally learned it. I finally learned how to let go. How to stop considering the possibility of death, the reasons for living. I finally taught myself, and others helped too, how to just be free and live in the moment. I don't care what anyone says, if you look ahead you get scared. If you're scared you'll freeze out, and you will never see this so-called future.
It's time for everyone to lift your hats, to lower your weapons, and realize that it will never be figured out. In five thousand years, we will be able to look down, at all of our children and see that everything has remained the same.
It is not depressing really, it's life.
And life is a magical thing.