Me Birthday
11 days... I'm counting.
If anyone cares, or needs ideas for my birthday, here are some suggestions. And also, does anyone have any ideas for a party? I might want to do one, but I'm not sure what to do. All suggestions are welcome!
Mette's Wish List:
Game boy Advance SP games
clothes
make-up
orange shoes, yellow shoes, blue shoes (pumas :-))
wacky earrings (it's turning into a collection)
colorful jewelry

((Stole this list idea from Maxi by the way, just in case there are any confused ones out there...))

back in boredsville
Now I realized why I didn't miss it. Now I realized why I didn't miss this place. The thing is there's nothing wrong with Edgemont, it's just so damn boring. Nothing ever happens, and I'm so sick and tired of it. Even though it's my first day back from vacation. My first day back to hell...
On the upside, Denmark was great. I never realized how much family I had and how much of a life I really have, just not here. I'm never bored there, maybe it is because it is sort of like vacation, and you got to keep moving when you're on vacation. But still, as much as I love it here, it gets boring a lot and nothing ever happens. There's just something about Denmark, even when you're bored it's so much fun. These last two weeks were like a breath of fresh air to my face. It was truely refreshing, and it made me realize how much I love it there. It's great to lead to lives, because that is really how I feel. I'm so lucky, that I get to have this chance- this chance to experience so much and experience so many different people, so many different places. Even though some placed get boring, it's still a blessing.

Not bad, not bad...
Several things:
1. Denmark
2. Dishonesty
Theese have been the two main things on my mind.
I'll start with the first one, Denmark. I am leaving to go home for a few weeks tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it, it is gonna be nice to get away from reality for a little bit. And, it will be nice to see my dad and the rest of the family. Even though my dad and most of his family always end up hurting me, I believe it is only fair to forgive them. Family is your true rock, without them; you're just another person living in this world. Christmas in Denmark is amazing too, and everything will be wonderful I hope. No drama, not this time. I'm on vacation for god's sake!
2. Dishonest friends.
No, Tina not you. Don't worry. It just bothers me that when you are friends with someone, if there is someone nearby who is more interesting that they just naturally turn their back on you, and go with them instead. Even if they are not your closest friends, you should still respect them and their feelings. It's funny, how there are some people you should have listened to in the past, but you didn't. The whole reason we stopped hanging out with the guys, was because they were dishonest bastards. After a while that fades though, and you start forgetting. But nothing has changed, everything is still the same. But I don't know, this time the turth got to me, and if I should accept it or not I do not know. We shall see. People don't change, that's bull shit. I swear to god. I know people that think their friends have changed or that think they themselves have changed a lot. That is the truest crap, everyone is the same deep down. Of course you can change a little, but no matter what you will always be you. Don't forget that.
I'll be coming back the fourth, if anyone cares- so I will see everyone the next day in school.
Everyone forget about your worries and enjoy the holidays. I know I will.
-MM-

feeling like a great big pile of SHIT
Crazy night yesterday. Started out as an innocent babysitting job with my brother, playing Candy Land five times in a row. It's a while ago, I have been this drunk. It's just so much more fun with your buddies. Drunk by yourself, is extremely boring. I don't even know what the hell I had, but whatever it was; it worked. Before the night was over, I was so drunk I could barely stand up straight. D, M, and N left at like 11:30 I basically passed out after that; after puking several times of course. Clear gin is the devil, don't try it. You will die.

no way
I

do

hope

as you

ponder over

the

following

lines you could

feel the warmth of

friendship, the joy of

kindness

and the hope

of life, which I

want to share with you.

And that you would love and

be loved in the true spirit of

Christmas.

Love not only

those you are fond

of, but also those you

dislike. For from them you

learn the wisdom of tolerance,

of forgiveness, of humbleness and

harmony, which is what Christmas is all

about. We don't have to be a Christian to know

that true beauty, like true love, is not always visible.


Dad, I love you, but this isn't working for me. You gotta have respect, just sending a note like this doesn't make it alright...

a father figure
I know daddy means well. I know he loves me. I know he just wants to see me for christmas. I told him, you know, that I wasn't coming and all. I am not going to his house for Christmas I am going to my cousins. I know he only sees me a couple of times a year, but that's no reason. Don't write my mom an e-mail telling her you wanna discuss where I am spending Christmas. I told you already, it's my choice; my decision is final. Even though I know he means well, I fucking hate him right now.

Feeling lonely as fuck right now, don't know what to do about it. Everything and everyone is just really pissing me off right now. I want to kill someone.

When death hits hard
You never realize what it's like until someone dies. When grandpa died, I was only 10 and all. It doesn't hit you as much. I cried for half an hour, and I forgot. When I look back on it, so many people were hurt when I just moved right along. I wanted everyone to feel bad for me, even though I hardly felt bad for myself. It doesn't work that way, you gotta first accept yourself and than others will too. Eventually.
Matthieu came in and was like "Oh, poor Manfred". Why should we feel bad for him? He died, he's not there anymore. It's the people around him, his friends and family you should feel sorry for. His twelf year old daughter, his wife, his five year old son. I pray for them that's all I can say. He looked so good you know, back in May. All slim, and clean. The illness destroyed him.
I don't know what else to say, it's tearing me apart.

disappointed in myself- once again
You know I read somewhere, I don't remember where, that a girl has one love that will keep hurting her again and again, and the girl will keep forgiving the guy again and again. There will always be one guy like that. When I read that, I realized that it is true. If you haven't experienced that one guy, you will. The truth is, it is not possible to forget about him. Ever. He will always be there, and he will keep hurting you even if he is out of your life. And you will keep forgiving him each time he hurts you, the cycle never stops. It is pathetic, and each time I forgive him everytime I tell him that it is ok, I feel like killing myself. When I think I am above him, when I think I have forgotten about him, he brings me back to reality. He is my constant ground, he is my constant reality check. Without him, I know I wouldn't be grounded with misery. It's pretty ironic really, because for the longest time he was the reason I got up in the morning. Sometimes he still is you know. It is a problem everyone goes through, you get let down by your own actions. By your own decisions. Each time he comes back for more, I let him. I never shut him out. Even if I try, it only works for a short black period until it all starts again. If I had ever known he would have this affect on me, I would have never started it. Never.

random thoughts
You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die

Christmas is coming!
I feel so good. I have been for the past two days or so, and it feels wonderful (Kock on Wood)...
Christmas makes everyone happy, I don't know what it is but it truely is the most wonderful time of the year. I absolutely love it more than anything. Maybe it is because of all the good memories from when I was a little kid, or maybe it is just spending time with family. Whichever it is, it is pretty great.

Yesterday, went to the mall with Dorina, Tina, Gil, and Xavier. Had a great time hooking up Gil and Tina ;-). They're just so fun to hang out with, sometimes guys are just so much easier to just joke around with. Girls are so sensitive like that, and it feels good. We couldn't find the car though, it was so funny. I took them for granted before, but they're really cool guys just as friends and nothing more, and they both make me laugh like crazy. Sometimes a simple friendship is just the best way, and this is one case where it is true. I LOVE GIL AND XAVIER! And Tina and Doughy too!
Went to the city with Dorina and her mom today, it was so great I had a really good time. Nasty MEXICANAS. Haha, and that guy in Bloomies hehe. Singing in the train, grrrreat times. I just love the atmospphere, 2nd favorite city... After Copenhagen of course ;-)
Thanksgiving was amazing. My best thanksgiving yet. It makes me sad though, that I have no family here to celebrate it with so instead I just tag along with someone else's family, in this case Dorina's.
"Albanians don't have friends, they have cousins". I understand it now, Dorina's cousins are so cool. And the food, oh the food (DON!) was amazing, especially that pumpkin pie. Eko is so cute, I swear if he was a little older I'd so want him. Ah!
All in all, a very "thankful" person right now I LOVE THE WORLD! But then again, how can you not be happy when christmas is coming up?

Never felt like this before
"Stab"

One stab,
You made me wonder
Two stabs,
You made me look
Three stabs,
You found the flesh
Four stabs,
You got me good
Five stabs,
You found my heart
Six stabs,
you ripped it open
Seven stabs,
You tore it in half
Eight stabs,
You crumbled it up
Nine stabs,
You threw it away.
Ten stabs,
It was gone

Make up your mind!
Holden is crazy right? Holden is a maniac right? Or is he. It kind of makes me feel bad. I was on the side that disliked Holden, that was wrong. All it is, is a fucked up teenage boy. No biggie. Everyone can really see a piece of themselves in Holden, we're all messed up. We're all crazy.
Take me for an example, I say one thing, and do another. I swear I do (Did I just say that?). Maybe that is the problem I do not know what I want from myself or others, or just from life in general. All girls do this to a certain extent, when have you ever been in a sitaution where you said 'no' when you really meant 'yes'? Many times probably. But then again, you cannot act like that people will start not to trust you anymore, and they'll start to find you unreliable.
I know I have been talking about this a lot, but if you flirt with someone it means you have a connection with them right? I think I misunderstood the concept of this whole flirting business. Of course you can flirt withotu meaning it, but you can only stretch an elastic so far until it breaks. I am breaking the elastic, big time! It makes me hate myself. Giving out wrong signals is never positive, and some day it will kill you. Do not tell someone you love them, when you don't. Do not tell someone a secret, if you know they will spill it to the world. These are basic concepts we all need to follow. And DO NOT FLIRT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE DOING IT WITH. It starts out innocent and fun, but before you know it you either have someone's heart broken or someone out there it hating you.
Trust me, or should you...?

haven't written in a while...
It's a while since I last posted, and not that much has been happening. I realized that sometimes it's really ok, just not to care shit about what other people think of you. If you live your life like that, you won't ever be able to enjoy it. There are always people out there that will dislike you. Some exceptions, but you get the point. I mean, there are these people, and I know they don't like me and I always made it a point to have them like me and for everyone to be happy, but I realized I was trying to stay friendly with them for no reason. They're not good people, so why do I give them respect without anything in return? Good question, and the answer simply is "Don't". So I won't give them respect, it just doesn't work like that...
On the other hand, I found out something about myself: I am a flirtaholic, if that's even a word. It is strange how you find out things like this you never considered about yourself sometimes. I am obessed, I know I flirt with random guys on the subway, it's just such a rush really. And to other random guys too, that I barely talk to. It's an urge, a desire needing to be filled. I have a feeling I might be giving them the wrong impression though, and I do not want to lead them on. Not that they want me, just saying. It's not a genuine thing, used Vernon's word there, flirting with them. It's just something I do, and that is really quite sad.
Except for that, nothing is happening. 103 on french, baby!. OUI OUI

A new spirit
All of a sudden I have no idea how, a new spirit has been sucked into me. Right now, maybe it's just a spur of the moment thing, I feel so alive and sympathetic to the people I haven't been very sympathetic to in the past. Maybe it is because of the tv we watch, or maybe because we finally realize how good our lives really are. Whatever it is, it is a great feeling. I apologized to people that I have not been very friendly with in the past, and it feels good. Life is too short. I mean it, if you hold a grudge against every person that does something to you, what will that bring of you? From now on I will try to see the best in people, and not judge so quickly. I have just realized the real lesson of life, and it is mind blowing.
If anyone can relate, tell me. I am sitting here smiling to myself, and for the first time in many weeks I can truely be happy. I think I will stay like this for a while, or so I hope. Nothing can stop me, I will always remember this.
Remember, appreciate... Appreciate. Thanks, I'm out... with a smile!

I wish...
I really wish something was going on. Anything really. I sometimes complain about having problems or w/e, but seriously I got nothing. Nothing is happening. Maybe I am one of those people that have to have something going on 24/7. People tell me I'm like that, and it's annoying. It's not good to act like that. But I can't change that. All I know is that I could need some excitement, anything really- good or bad.
Stuff has been happening this year, that's not what I am saying but it's all been in little stages. And right now, I am not even in a stage. And it bores the crap out of me.
So many "eras" have already been completed in my book, this year anyway. First of there was the Gil/Xavier era and the stuff that followed that. Then there was the Shythead and friends era. That's over too, finally! That was a bad era, but at least it kept me busy... Then there was the Vernando era, but that's not really an era since he's too busy to ever be able to hang out. I am waiting for a new chapter in my life to begin, whenever that happens I will be here to tell you...