I think this one's my favorite

home | profile | guestbook

I think this one's my favorite

recent entries | past entries

:: 2021 27 January :: 8.25am

in my freshman year in college I had a lot of feminine issues and saw SEVERAL doctors

but the one I remember the most was the one that handed me a mirror and let me watch the exam and told me what I was looking at.

that woman made a fundamental difference to my life, and I wish I could thank her. I hope she's alive and well and doing well.

:: 2021 22 January :: 1.19pm

I'm starting to feel like there are only like 5 people who would call me a friend.

the rest are just people I interact with occasionally, for 5 years, we can't be friends.

I just can't fucking make friends.

:: 2021 19 January :: 8.31am
:: Music: smashmouth Lord help me

smashmouth and cake always remind me of better times. I've been looking back more and more at my experiences, and I feel myself slipping away into a lethal kind of nostalgia.

I miss the friends I used to have.
I miss giving a strong impression of a sense of self.
I miss having fun.

All I really want are more people I can laugh until I cry with.

:: 2021 13 January :: 3.16pm

what ever happened to ska?
remember the mickey avalon concert where we met?

and that birthday party. all those birthday parties.

I miss you friend, I wonder where you disappeared to, why you ghosted me, and if you're still doing alright.

I hope things are good for you. you deserve the best

:: 2021 12 January :: 6.10am

regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under

:: 2021 3 January :: 9.36pm
:: Music: David Bowie - Lazarus

Time is not a stream, but a thick and chunky undertow...
Mr. J,

That's what Harley Quinn calls the Joker. But we both know that's not here or there.
You scallywag, how's the slipstream time-dream beauty Queen? :P I kid you, you're a wonderful soul for heeding the now with me.
But, isn't life such a rope finger's-length from grasp?
The puzzle is never truly solved, only provides more questions. Ideas so intimate in proximity, suddenly so distant. And the vice versa.
If time is a body of water-like substrate, is there a shore, beach or rocky precipice in which I may glimpse and enjoy it's better amusings?
Maybe it's you, my dear friend. Only a condensed series of switches held within place against the better of your nature. Anti-equilibrium :P I figured you out.

You know it's not time yet, but what does that even mean?
Maintain the heading and wind direction, let's rendezvous s'il vous plait avec vous chez du temps.

At all the hour <3

:: 2021 2 January :: 11.50pm

is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics

the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me

:: 2020 8 December :: 2.05pm

on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!

:: 2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)

maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

:: 2020 7 December :: 6.40pm

I know I say this a lot.

but fuck do I hate being alive.

:: 2020 26 November :: 6.45pm

I hate every single second I'm alive

:: 2020 26 November :: 12.44pm

these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone

except me because I deserve to feel this way

:: 2020 17 November :: 9.16pm

remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.

I miss those days.

:: 2020 17 November :: 10.22am

holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.

been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.

I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.

:: 2020 30 October :: 8.40pm
:: Music: Eminem- Godzilla

"This is just the song to go ballistic on/ You just pulled a pistol on the guy with the missile launcher..."
I can swallow a bottle of alcohol and I'll feel like Godzilla
Better hit the deck like the card dealer
My whole squad's in here, walking around the party
A cross between a zombie apocalypse and big Bobby "The
Brain" Heenan which is probably the
Same reason I wrestle with mania
Shady's in this bitch, I'm posse'd up
Consider it to cross me a costly mistake
If they sleepin' on me, the hoes better get insomnia
Adhd, Hydroxycut
Pass the Courvoisi' (ayy, ayy)
In AA with an AK, melee, finna set it like a playdate
Better vacate, retreat like a vacay, mayday (ayy)
This beat is cray-cray, Ray J, H-A-H-A-H-A
Laughing all the way to the bank, I spray flames
They cannot tame or placate the
Monster (ayy)
You get in my way, I'ma feed you to the monster (yeah)
I'm normal during the day, but at night, turn to a monster (yeah)
When the moon shines like Ice Road Truckers
I look like a villain outta those blockbusters
Godzilla, fire spitter, monster
Blood on the dance floor, and on the Louis V carpet
Fire, Godzilla, fire, monster
Blood on the dance floor, and on the Louis V carpet
I'm just a product of Slick Rick and Onyx, told 'em, "Lick the balls"
Had 'em just appalled at so many things that pissed 'em off
It's impossible to list 'em all
And in the midst of all this
I'm in a mental hospital with a crystal ball
Tryna see, will I still be like this tomorrow?
Risperdal, voices whisper
My fist is balled back up against the wall, pencil drawn
This is just the song to go ballistic on
You just pulled a pistol on the guy with the missile launcher
I'm just a Loch Ness, the mythological
Quick to tell a bitch screw off like a fifth of Vodka
When you twist the top of the bottle, I'm a
Monster (ayy)
You get in my way, I'ma feed you to the monster (yeah)
I'm normal during the day, but at night, turn to a monster (yeah)
When the moon shines like Ice Road Truckers
I look like a villain outta those blockbusters
Godzilla, fire spitter, monster
Blood on the dance floor, and on the Louis V carpet
Fire, Godzilla, fire, monster
Blood on the dance floor, and on the Louis V carpet
If you never gave a damn, raise your hand
'Cause I'm about to set trip, vacation plans
I'm on point like my index is, so all you will ever get is
The motherfuckin' finger (finger), prostate exam ('xam)
How can I have all these fans and perspire?
Like a liar's pants, I'm on fire
And I got no plans to retire and I'm still the man you admire
These chicks are spazzin' out, I only get more handsome and flier
I got 'em passin' out like what you do when you hand someone flyers
And what goes around comes around just like the blades on a chainsaw
'Cause I caught the flap of my dollar stack right off the bat like a baseball
Like Kid Ink, bitch, I got them racks with so much ease that they call me Diddy
'Cause I make bands and I call getting cheese a cakewalk (cheesecake) yeah
Bitch, I'm a player, I'm too motherfuckin' stingy for Cher
Won't even lend you an ear, ain't even pretending to care
But I tell a bitch I'll marry her if she'll bury her
Face on my genital area, the original Richard Ramirez
Christian Rivera, 'cause my lyrics never sit well
So they wanna give me the chair
Like a paraplegic, and it's scary, call it Harry Caray
'Cause every Tom and Dick and Harry carry a Merriam motherfuckin' dictionary
Got 'em swearing up and down, they can't spit, this shit's hilarious
It's time to put these bitches in the obituary column
We wouldn't see eye to eye with a staring problem
Get the shaft like a steering column (monster)
Trigger happy, pack heat, but it's black ink
Evil half of the Bad Meets Evil
That means take a back seat
Take it back to Fat Petes with a maxi, single
Look at my rap sheet, what attracts these people
Is my gangster, bitch, like Apache with a catchy jingle
I stack chips, you barely got a half-eaten Cheeto
Fill 'em with the venom and eliminate 'em
Other words, I Minute Maid 'em
I don't wanna hurt 'em, but I did 'em in a fit of rage
I'm murderin' again, nobody will evade him
Finna kill 'em and dump all the fuckin' bodies in the lake
Obliterating everything, incinerate and renegade 'em
And I make anybody who want it with the pen afraid
But don't nobody want it, but they're gonna get it anyway
'Cause I'm beginnin' to feel like I'm mentally ill
I'm Atilla, kill or be killed, I'm a killer bee, the vanilla gorilla
You're bringin' the killer within me out of me
You don't want to be the enemy of the demon who went in me
Or being the recievin' end of me, what stupidity it'd be
Every bit of me is the epitome of a spitter
When I'm in the vicinity, motherfucker, you better duck
Or you finna be dead the minute you run into me
A hunnid percent of you is a fifth of a percent of me
I'm 'bout to fuckin' finish you bitch, I'm unfadable
You wanna battle, I'm available, I'm blowin' up like an inflatable
I'm undebatable, I'm unavoidable, I'm unevadable
I'm on the toilet bowl, I got a trailer full of money and I'm paid in full
I'm not afraid to pull the
Man, stop
Look what I'm plannin', haha

Woohu.com | Random Journal