I think this one's my favorite

:: 2021 3 December :: 8.12am

how could lil amelia ever know this is how big amelia would be?

:: 2021 3 December :: 6.27am

life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.

nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.

what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.

it all doesn't fucking matter.

so why am I so paralyzed

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.44am

a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.04am

been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.

I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.

I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.

I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.

I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.

I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...

I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.

I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you

:: 2021 18 November :: 8.35am
:: Music: baroness

first inside show since the pandemic started and it was hopping

very small crowd very intimate and very bad ass

I'm glad we went, it was just what we needed

:: 2021 17 November :: 10.57pm
:: Music: AJR and Daisy the Great- Record Player

Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is/ Tryin' to convince myself I'm alive.
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I'm in an elevator, it's goin' down, down, down
I spent forever with my feet on the ground
But not now (not now)
'Cause I don't wanna do the wrong thing
Guess I gotta go and get famous for doin' nothing
Da-da-da-da-da
Crack a smile, crack a smile
Da-da-da-da-da
Stay a while, stay a while
Da-da-da-da-da
Am I holdin' for applause?
Is it gone? Is this on?
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I'm in the simulator, I'm doin' a-okay
But every day is just rewind and replay
Not today
I'll head out to Monterey
Throw my phone into the waves
Can you see it in my eyes? Am I finally awake?
Crack a smile, crack a smile
Stay a while, stay a while
I think the best is yet to come
So drink up and good luck
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm alive
Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm climbing in the trees

:: 2021 3 November :: 9.14am

what's your favorite pass time?

mine is sleep

1 Kelsey Grammer | Thank You

munkysaurus

:: 2021 30 October :: 12.32am

Crackle fingertips upon the edge of thought
Mr. J...J meaning journal. Did you know that "jour" is a french word for day and "nal" meaning daily, so jour-nal. Daily. You're name is really daily. Daily.

You've been a friend for so long. Good and bad. A post, 20 years ago, described in such detail--the advent of a little brother. Received by a brother who was still, himself, such a young man.

Girlfriends, you figured it out. They're people and you need to find a decent one.

We shared allegory of the fall of Icarus, aspiring and burned, falling into the torrent river. Washing downstream. They don't talk about the fate of Icarus after his fall. A fool, sure, but learned in something of value.

Well, Mr. J, you are the river now. You are the storm. The sun is your device. The world is yours.

There is nothing stopping you, the world is yours.

Rest easy, past self.

Rest.

I have you now, with tender, strong arms.

Yours, Mr. J., a gentle soul somewhere in Andy's server. You listen and carry our message.

2 Kelsey Grammeri | Thank You

:: 2021 15 October :: 3.46pm
:: Music: Olivia Rodrigo- brutal

They say these are the golden years/ But I wish I could disappear/ Ego crush is so severe/ God, it's brutal out here...
I want it to be, like, messy
I'm so insecure, I think
That I'll die before I drink
And I'm so caught up in the news
Of who likes me and who hates you
And I'm so tired that I might
Quit my job, start a new life
And they'd all be so disappointed
'Cause who am I, if not exploited?
And I'm so sick of 17
Where's my fucking teenage dream?
If someone tells me one more time
"Enjoy your youth, " I'm gonna cry
And I don't stick up for myself
I'm anxious and nothing can help
And I wish I'd done this before
And I wish people liked me more
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah!)
I feel like no one wants me
And I hate the way I'm perceived
I only have two real friends
And lately, I'm a nervous wreck
'Cause I love people I don't like
And I hate every song I write
And I'm not cool and I'm not smart
And I can't even parallel park
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah! Just having a really good time)
Got a broken ego, broken heart
(It's brutal out here, it's brutal out here)
And God, I don't even know where to start

:: 2021 21 September :: 10.35am

another rejection.

we get what we deserve.

trash deserves to be burned

:: 2021 20 September :: 1.26pm

I just want to hear back about this job

:: 2021 10 September :: 9.45pm
:: Music: The Killers- All The Things That I've Done

I am so much older than I can take...
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out, yeah
You know you got to help me out, yeah
Oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

(Time, truth and hearts)
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
Oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth and hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

mbenznut

:: 2021 7 September :: 8.44pm

"Wanna beer?"

"They got anything from a microbrewery?"

"Doubt it. In this county, we kick midgets, and they ain't dumb enough to put up with that, so what shorty's gonna run a brewery round here?"

:: 2021 29 August :: 12.45pm
:: Music: sleep

an open letter to the people in my life
spinning in place, hurdling thru eternity, being painfully aware of the absurdity of life, and consciousness..

I'm thankful I'm on my journey with the people I am. even if we haven't actually met. it means so much that you all joined me at one time or another. if you're still with me or we've had to say good bye... you changed my course, and I'm grateful we touched each other in some way.

life is so precious, and fleeting, and absurd, painful, frustrating, beautiful, ephemeral... I know I'm ungrateful and thankless often, but I do appreciate the little time I had on this planet, and all the people who have made it possible.

sincerely - thank you

1 Kelsey Grammer | Thank You

:: 2021 26 August :: 11.00pm
:: Music: Lizzo ft Cardi B- Rumors

If you thought that I was ratchet with my ass hangin' out/ Just wait until the summer when they let me out the house, bitch...
They don't know I do it for the culture, goddamn
They say I should watch the shit I post, oh, goddamn
Say I'm turnin' big girls into hoes, oh, goddamn
They say I get groupies at my shows, oh, goddamn

All the rumors are true, yeah
What ya heard, that's true, yeah
I fuck him and you, yeah
If you believe I do that
Had to cut some hoes loose, yeah
NDA, no loose lips
Now them hoes tryna sue me
Bitch, I don't give two shits
All the rumors are true, yeah
I've been in the bamboo, yeah
Focused on this music
My ex, he blew it
Last year, I thought I would losе it
Readin' shit on the internеt
My smoothie cleanse and my diet
No, I ain't fuck Drake yet (Ha)

Spendin' all your time tryna break a woman down
Realer shit is goin' on, baby, take a look around
If you thought that I was ratchet with my ass hangin' out
Just wait until the summer when they let me out the house, bitch

(Talkin', talkin', talkin')
Give 'em somethin' to talk about
Sick of rumors (Ooh)
But haters do what they do (Uh)
Haters do what they do

All the rumors are true, yeah
Fake ass, fake boobs, yeah
Made a million at Sue's, yeah
Y'all be runnin' with fake news, yeah
Cardi ain't poppin', no, that's a machine (Huh?)
Nobody listen, they buyin' them streams (Hmm)
They even post it on blogs overseas
And lie in a language I can't even read
The fuck do this mean?
Look, I'm a Bronx bitch with some pop hits
Used to pop off when they pop shit (Woo)
But I'm calmed down and I'm locked in
And my records live in the top ten
Lizzo, teach me about big girl coochie (Okay)
Last time I got freaky, the FCC sued me
But I'ma keep doin' what I wanna do
'Cause all the rumors are
All the rumors are true, yeah

They hated on me since school, yeah
I never thought I was cool, yeah
Now me and Cardi, we cool, yeah
I love hoes on poles, yeah (Woo)
I am body goals, yeah
This shit from my soul, yeah
Black people made rock and roll, yeah

Why you spendin' all your time tryna break a woman down?
Realer shit is goin' on, baby, take a look around
If you thought that I was ratchet with my ass hangin' out
Just wait until the summer when they let me out the house, bitch

What they say? (Yeah)
What they say? (Yeah)
(Talkin', talkin', talkin')
Give 'em somethin' to talk about
Sick of rumors (Ooh)
But haters do what they do
Haters do what they do

All the rumors are true
Rumors, yeah (Yeah)
Sheesh