godessalthena
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2011 1 July :: 12.15am
:(
<3
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labyrinth
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2011 30 June :: 11.24am
:: Mood: tired
I love Utah
I didn't have a goodnight sleep last night. I've been sleeping on an improper pillow. I didn't buy a pillow yet because I thought I'd be okay with sleeping on a towel. Usually I tend to wake up late, but I had a terrible dream. Not a nightmare. Just an irritating one that woke me up.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 29 June :: 10.09pm
I'm sad if I talk to you and im sad if I don't :(
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 29 June :: 12.55pm
I'm lost. I see no hope. There's nothing where a future used to be. I seem to have forgotten what is truly important and all I can see is how resentful and disappointed I am.
We used to have something so special. And I've cheapened it.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 28 June :: 1.59pm
I wish I knew what I was doing.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 27 June :: 7.23pm
Guess who has a girlfriend. Yeah. This girl. Hell fucking yeah!
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 27 June :: 1.44pm
I feel like there can be no winner in this situation.
And I feel like that's whats expected.
And it's sad :(
<3
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labyrinth
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2011 27 June :: 2.36am
:: Mood: blah
I am so friggin bored. It's not even funny anymore. I like living here, but I have so much to hide. I'm just going to be open about everything now. Everything in life is good except one thing that I cannot change. What I am right now. Not the person I am, but this thing that stood in my way. Not a sickness or a disease. I'm worried about being unproductive. I'm worried about not getting hired. Fresh off from college and still have tons to learn in life. Am I capable? No encouragements right now. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to hold a job, but my mind tells me firmly that I can hold a job if I'm hired. Don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I've been extremely bored. Now I'm just blabbing tons of random thoughts and words. Nothing makes sense. I talk to my friends about tons of random crap that didn't need to be said. It seems like I always have to wait for time. No motivations lately. Life is good, but I'm just unproductive. It makes me feel guilty everyday that I can't find a job yet.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 26 June :: 1.48pm
Things are tough. And unpleasant. But I still have a few good things to hold onto.
Mark fucked up. Big time. And I'm pissed and hurt.
Alyson fucked up big time. Over and over again. And I'm pissed and emotionally exhausted.
Things with Sus are still rocky. Mostly because I fuck up. And it's really saddening.
But I made a few new friends. Liv and Heath. They are really rad. They spoil me. And whenever I go over there we just sit and watch stupid tv, smoking and drinking. No one cries. No one gets jealous. No one gets way too drunk and fucks up. It's just relaxed, some cuddling with Liv. Some girl on girl action. Stress relief. I feel a little guilty because I'm the only one in the house getting relief from stress. But I think I deserve it. Not more than anyone else, but I went looking and found it. I got lucky.
Also. I think I'm going to start doing my hair and makeup more often. I feel so much better about myself when I do. And I need all the good feelings I can get.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 25 June :: 4.28pm
I am so confused.. :(
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godessalthena
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2011 24 June :: 2.55am
I love the foo fighters.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 23 June :: 8.24pm
Why can't that be me?
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 23 June :: 11.21am
I want to salvage my day without taking pills. So I need to start thinking positive and focus on the good things in my life rather than this issue that won't go away over night and is completely ruining what's left of our relationship.
So.. I have an adorable puppy who loves me and misses me when I'm gone.
I have new amazing friends who spoil me like I deserve to be spoiled.
I have a wonderful job that's easy and has good pay and benefits.
I'm smart, skilled and live in a country where I can be myself.
Idk if it's helping yet. But here's to healing!
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 21 June :: 6.25pm
Day 4 w/o meds. I can't even tell the difference.
I feel like it's a little too soon to say I'm cured, but I feel so good that I want to say it :)
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 20 June :: 10.57pm
Had my first sober girl experience the other night............ AND LOVED THE HELL OUTTA IT!!
Tbh I was worried I was of those obnoxious drunk lesbos but I'm totally a sober lesbo haha go me!
<3
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labyrinth
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2011 18 June :: 9.50pm
Watching Movies
Summer weather in SLC is the best. I get to experience real hot weather for once. There was barely summer living in SF. SLC has the perfect weather. Snowing and cold for half a year is good. I went to my first movie screening here. I saw "The Art of Getting By" on June 14th and really liked it. I knew it was a simple movie about a teen living in New York City trying to get by, but it sort of reflected some parts of my life. School wasn't too hard, but getting yourself to do school work was hard. I liked the movie a lot because I understood the city life, which is why I wanted a change. I would go into it more explaining every single scene, but it would turn into a movie review.
I went to see Green Lantern today. I liked it a lot too. I think one of the reason is because the team put so much effort into it, cost them $300 million. So that's definitely a lot of work. For us moviegoers, we should just enjoy the film. I read some stuff online that people said Ryan Reynolds is a boring actor or something, but I thought he did good as Hal Jordan. There were some funny parts, entertaining action, interesting special effects and the message I really liked. They really emphasize will and fear. The visuals were super and flawless.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 17 June :: 5.08pm
Gr. >:(
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godessalthena
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2011 15 June :: 1.09pm
:( I honestly think this has been the shittiest week ever.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 14 June :: 6.28pm
I'm tired of being #5.
Can someone please stop my life? I want to get off please.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 13 June :: 12.35pm
What do you do when nothing feels right and you don't get a moment's reprieve?
What happens when everything you thought you knew turns out wrong and you fall?
Is there really any life to be had here?
What is it that I'm fighting for?
I feel like there is so little meaning left in my life that is not really worth it to move forward. What do I get out of living? A hollowness? An empty vacant space where a heart used to be? My dreams all crushed and forgotten. My hopes trampled down. I've forgotten what it feels like to have something worth working towards. I feel as though I'll never see beauty in the world. I'll never look at spring the same way. I'll never be happy again.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 13 June :: 2.09am
I dont know how I should feel. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm lost.
Things are hard. And impossible.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 11 June :: 9.33pm
"motorboating over the phone just isn't the same."
<3
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labyrinth
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2011 11 June :: 5.20pm
:: Mood: okay
Bored
I sort of feel bored lately. Not the boring I don't have anything to do, but bored because I don't have a stable job yet. I have to wait for one more week, then I'll be working. I would like to go places without spending any money, but one of my bike tire is flat. I have to get that fixed first otherwise I won't be able to go places yet. Without my bike, everywhere looks like miles and miles of blocks. It would literally take me 1 hour if I walk from home to the theatre. A bike would only take me 17 minutes.
I like living in Utah. Nice quiet place.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 11 June :: 3.57pm
I'm a little disappointed.
Ok maybe a lot.
I just want it to work out. But I know I'm the thing preventing it.
I'm a terrible waste. Such a shame.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 8 June :: 1.10pm
Bjorne is losing his baby teeth! We've caught 2! So cute!!
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 7 June :: 1.51pm
I'm so fucking sick of being so dispensable. I'm so fuckin sick of being an average sack of shit. I'm sick of being worthless and meaningless to everyone in my life. I want to run away but can't because people are dependent on my money. Not me. My money.
I'm fat, ugly, too tall. I'm perfectly disgusting, repulsive. I'm a putrid waste of space. Of air. Of food. And what's better I'm a walking misery machine, making everyone I come in contact with more miserable then they ever have been.
And no one cares.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 6 June :: 7.13pm
:: Music: Foo Fighters - my hero
I just put lyrics to a song on FB and then it came on Pandora! I love this song
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 5 June :: 9.44pm
I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
<3
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godessalthena
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2011 5 June :: 2.50pm
I'm ready!
Start: 244
End: 160
Time frame: 1 year.
April next year I will be a bombshell.
<3
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labyrinth
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2011 5 June :: 12.26am
I wish I can be myself anywhere and everywhere I go. I constantly have to hold myself back all the time. It makes me tired.
<3
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