lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2011 2 June :: 2.46pm

I feel very unwanted. I feel very disgusting.

I feel like I have no real friends. I feel alone in the cold, world so cold.

I just want to feel happy. Beautiful. Important. Needed. And I don't get that from anyone or anything.

I'm in a dark place. And there is no help for me.

:: 2011 31 May :: 12.43pm
:: Mood: anxious

Let's try again...
I'm seriously considering going back to UW and staying in the dorms again. I am getting really excited just thinking about it. I really want to focus on my education and if my dad agrees to the arrangement we had before then I'll be set.

Yes, it would be living in the stupid dorms again, yes I may get stuck with a horrible room mate again. But I think I've grown a lot in the last few years and I think this time I can really do it. I want to succeed in life, I want to get my degree and move forward and be everything I know I can be but was too stupid to care about last time around.

I know it'll probably be a big landmark in my relationship, but honestly, this is REALLY important to me and if Sus doesn't want to support me then we need to reassess our relationship. Though I don't see him not supporting me, I can see an agruement about not living in the same place anymore. But I think we'll work something out. I know we can do it.

But it all hinges on what my dad says. I can't really do it if he doesn't agree to help. I'll have to wait until I qualify for financial aid, and I know that's at least another year away UGH

I'm really excited and nervous and this is exactly what I needed. I need a goal that's obtainable and important. I'm finally where I need to be to be driven to do something.

I will succeed. I will overcome. I will be the successful one in the family.

:: 2011 30 May :: 7.44pm

I'd give up forever to touch you.

:: 2011 30 May :: 2.18pm
:: Mood: tired

New job
I took on a temporary server job at Utah to start off. First day of job training was alright. I hadn't ride a bike since 6 years. I got a bike like a week ago, and really started riding today. Just came back from work. Now I have a headache. Maybe cuz I'm sort of nervous for the new job. I was also tired and sweating from riding the first time. Then I went straight to work. I guess I need to wake up earlier so I have time to eat and take it easy in the morning. Overall, today wasn't bad for a Memorial Day.

:: 2011 29 May :: 10.57pm

It's sad. I look back on my teenage years with such nostalgia for something wonderful lost. And yet they were probably the worst years. But compared to now life was good.

Life had meaning. Feelings felt like something worthwhile.

:: 2011 28 May :: 3.12pm

I'm so fucking done with my life.

[ e d i t ]

I know I'm probabaly over reactiv but honestly it's just a constant shit storm over here. First it's my tire, then its all my tires. Now I don't have enough for electric. We have to eat shitty bad for you food because I dont make enough to afford better. I'm gaining weight like a motherfucker and I can't do anything about it because I'm so fucking tired all the time. Work is so stressful and hard to deal with, I was late to work today because the approve OT w/o so much as a call and I didn't think to call them. I feel like I'm a failure. No one to admire. I work hard, I have nothing to show for it and then this stupid bullshit happens.

I just want to go to school and that's it. Or I want a job that isn't so stressful and tedious. I'm so tired of living in this town where no one accepts me. They are all so shallow and backwards here. No one gives a shit. No one anywhere gives a shit. I have no fucking clue why I moved here. I knew it was a lie, it was too good to be true. And now we're stuck here.

I think I have manic depression. And I think it's getting worse everyday. Happy pills don't help anymore. Nothing helps. I don't even feel happy when I'm messed up. I feel like I'm going to turn into a junkie in the street or something trying to find anything that will make me happy.

I'm so fucking tired of being broken.

:: 2011 28 May :: 2.06am

Updating this journal on my itouch. I'm glad those days are over. I'm out of SF, just the way I have imagined it. Not sure exactly what I would do with my life. Just going with the flow. Anywhere God leads me. I think it's funny how I went back to playing FarmVille again and there is GagaVille. I don't like Lady Gaga, but FarmVille is forcing me to like her and her music. I guess I sort of like her music now?

:: 2011 27 May :: 4.15pm

I am so.. so.. SO tired. I just want to crawl in a hole n die.

:: 2011 27 May :: 4.36pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I finished school last Thursday. I didn't need to take the finals because my final grade for math was a B. Went to my sister's graduation ceremony on Saturday and was her photographer. Then afterwards, we went to eat at the Vegan Cuisine Loving Hut with my mom's friend and my sister's friend. Then I move to Utah on Sunday with my family. I love living here better than California. I got a bike to ride to work and everything is convenient.

:: 2011 25 May :: 12.46am

Honestly is it even worth anything?

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.32pm
:: Mood: rejected

i feel so low right now i feel so lost i have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing and I feel like I'm facing the great unknown by myself

There is so much I wish had turned out different. There's so much I wish I could fix, undo, unsay.. I hate who I am sometimes. I hate that I always need an escape.

I smoke a lot now. I stopped drinking. I can't wait to be somewhere else. I can't wait to live away from all the backward assfuck rednecks.

I'm so ready to be reborn.

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.27am

I have a phone interview with Vertafore. They are located in Bothell.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and whether or not my relationship lasts I really just want to move back to Seattle. I hate living in Spokane. I hate pretty much everything about living in Spokane. I hate the people here, the layout of the streets, the weather, my job.. I feel crushed, stifled, choked with all the conservativism.. With how little personal freedom one gets here. I hate it.

This move isn't for him anymore. It's for me. I want to get off my pills, I want to feel motivated to lose the weight, I want to be happy with where I am and feel safe so I can move out of my comfort zone. I don't even have a comfort zone here.

I know they worry that things will fall through and I'll be stranded in Seattle without friends or family.. But honestly I know I'll make new friends. And I can't exactly move in with my parents if things do go south anyway. So what's the big deal? I don't see how they could help more with me being in spokane vs Seattle.

I just want to have a fresh start in a place that isn't full of bad memories and failure.

:: 2011 19 May :: 2.09pm

Always being wrong is getting fucking old.

:: 2011 18 May :: 11.32am
:: Mood: happy

Graduation & Accomplishment
I feel so happy and relieved. Today was my last test, which is Math test #7. If I pass this last test, I don't have to take the finals. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see the results for my final grade. I finished all my assignments ahead of time, so I'm not feeling rushed for the finals week. I learned from other semesters to never procrastinate. I'm not a procrastinator anymore. I changed the habit. I have changed many bad habits. I ate less junk food, slept early, woke up early and leave time to relax before class starts. I'm a happy 21 year old. Tomorrow is the last day of school and it also confirms that I'm entirely finished with school!!

I got a free haircut from a very expensive salon. My friend loves entering contests on facebook. She asked me if I wanted to vote for our friend and I did to help them out. Our friend got chosen and I also got chosen to be one of the winners. So I saved it for the day before graduation. I got my hair colored and cut. It's not that different from my own hairstyle, but it looks more organized. I'm also glad I went to my Culinary Ceremony Graduation. It went well. I got pictures with all the chefs. It was also my birthday that day. I had a nice and simple one. Very memorable. A few more days left until I permanently leave for Utah. I don't know if I'll ever come back to San Francisco. Most likely not, but if I do, it has to be for a very good reason.

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.10pm

ready for a do-over
i'm so tired of this old, worn out place.
i'm so sick of getting the things i want then getting bored of them.
its ridiculous how little i enjoy in my life anymore.

i'm so ready for feburary.
i'm so ready to start moving forward in my life rather than stagnate here.

i am so depressed.
i am so worn out.
i am so fed up.

i'm full of rage and of disgust and of venom.

:: 2011 13 May :: 12.04pm

He's taking the job. Roomies can be happy now, he won't be over again for a long time.

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.16am

I feel like actually giving up. Not just saying it but actually doing it. I TRY. you don't. Why?

:: 2011 11 May :: 10.12pm

I just want to get so fucking trashed I forget my life ever happened.

I hate every fucking day. I hate every fucking hour.

I feel useless, stupid, abused, victimized.

I never look forward to getting up.

The best part of my life are my nightmares. Because it's not my life.

I'm done feeling. I'm done trying. I'm just fucking done.

:: 2011 10 May :: 8.15am

I feel like you have just given up on me. Like everyone else. Why should I care about myself anymore?

:: 2011 5 May :: 5.09pm

I'm working out everyday. I'm going to kill myself skinny.

I'm so tired of meeting douchebags who act like they want to be your friend, lead you on and then just stop all communication and then.. After the secretly decide they don't want to be involved with you in any form you call them out and they act like they're in the right. They are selfish disgusting fuckheads who deserve to be eliminated from the human race. It's called common courtesy people. I would think that moms taught it to their children but apparently that went of of practice in the 80's and on.

I'm tired of this place. And these people. The only people who like Spokane seem to be the fuckheads who thinks it's ok to flake. To be a hypocrite. To treat other people like shit. It's disgusting and disheartening.

:: 2011 3 May :: 11.43am

Graduation & School
Originally I made up my mind not to go to the graduation, but people are asking, "Why not?" Like I'm insane or something. At this point, I think I will. It would probably be insane to not go now that I thought through thoroughly. I would be foolish. It's Culinary graduation right? For goodness sakes! What is wrong with me? I guess I feel like going now. Good thing I changed my mind on time.

I'm pretty happy with school right now. Every time I take a math test, I feel like I never do a good job, but for my latest test, I got a B. A few points to an A, but like usual careless mistakes. I knew how to do the problems, but I wrote the wrong number or forgot signs. At least it shows that I'm not completely dumb. I knew what I was doing. I have 1 last test on May 18, which should be my last test. I'll probably do good on that one too, and I won't have to take the finals. The thought of taking tests always makes me nervous because I always think about passing. I failed so much in the past, it really traumatized me for a while. I should recover from that now. I will try. My last day of school I believe should be May 19th! I'm not going to school on May 23rd. I want to prepare and do stuff before I leave. Spend my last days here in San Francisco.

I still have some problems with my mails. I changed my address at the Postal Office, but I'm not receiving a mail at all. Usually, if I don't get any useful mails, I expect to see some junk mails that would confirm that my mails are sent out correctly. I'm not getting any mails, not even from Geico or magazine subscriptions to Forbes, Newsweeks, Islands, etc.... So I plan on checking back at the old place today because yesterday the manager was being a jerk. Too lazy to open my mailbox, so I have to come during the daytime for this lady to do it for me.

:: 2011 2 May :: 7.31pm

I asked myself if today could get any worse.

Yes it could.

But it's still pretty shitty.

:: 2011 30 April :: 12.58am

Tonight was fun :)

And having rent is a good feeling.

I'm working OT this week. being extra responsible!

:: 2011 29 April :: 11.14am
:: Mood: blah

Should I?
I'm debating whether I should attend the small Culinary graduation or not. I'm just not feeling it. I'm happy about the accomplishment, but I had made up my mind from the beginning that I wasn't going if my mom isn't going to be here. She said she's going to be here, and it isn't too late, but I don't feel like it. I didn't regret not bringing my camera to my internship to take pictures of all the food and pictures of myself with people. I don't think I would regret this. The reason why I don't regret easily now is because I understand that at times we have a certain mindset. Even if it was years later and you said, "Aww man. I should have went to my graduation." But at the time, you weren't feeling it. Math is easier now because I have a good teacher, and I did thought, "This is so easy. Why didn't I try to understand and do it right the first time?" I had a different mindset the first time. I didn't understand it, and wasn't motivated. Now, things are different. I don't like to compare my feelings now to how I used to feel before. When something goes wrong, there's a reason and you can't force yourself to feel a certain way when you're not feeling it. That's why I don't want to push myself to do something that I don't want to do.

:: 2011 27 April :: 2.47pm

Hanging out in the school library and using the computer while I'm waiting for my friend. She has a class right now. I just talked with a friend that I had met at the movie screening like 2 years ago. I don't see her often. Only at movie screenings. I talked with her on FB chat and she says she wants to treat me on my birthday. She chose an expensive restaurant that made me feel guilty because I didn't really do anything for her, but she wants to treat me. I feel awkward when people do things for me because I'm used to doing things for myself if I wanted something. I also don't want to say no too much because it comes off as awkward too. Either way it is, but I'll probably have to take it. I just don't like bothering people and have them waste money on me. It's nice to know that sometimes people care about you.

:: 2011 26 April :: 11.28am

Amazed
Sometimes I'm amazed at myself the way other people are amazed at others. I see it as the same way. When I'm amazed at other people's ability to do something, I'm also amazed at myself at times for knowing something that I didn't think I knew.

Does that sound confusing?

:: 2011 26 April :: 11.13am

Relaxing and cooking at home
Finished with my internship last Friday! Now I have free time everyday. Just going to morning classes, and nothing to do in the afternoon. I finally got to use the skills I learned at school. Since I don't have much to do, I cook at home more often now. The other day, I made new york cheesecake with strawberry topping. I made the strawberry topping wrong because I was thinking of sauces, but the kids enjoyed eating it anyway. I had made it on Saturday but they're still eating it. Too bad the top was a little brown. The inside was fine though. Everyone seemed to like it a lot, so I'm glad the things I made was edible. I also used the leftover pizza doughs I got from my internship. The kids liked the pizzas. I put caramelized onions, yams (couldn't find butternut squash), mushrooms, fresh thyme, cheese and turkey sausage because they wanted meat. There are plenty more things I want to make before I leave San Fran.

:: 2011 25 April :: 1.40pm

Lab tests and weight gain.

I'm scared. And have no comfort.

I know what a partial reason for it is. But there could be so many other things wrong. Things that idk can be fixed.

What's for sure is I need to get serious about losing this weight. I need to do something. Why can't I just get motivated?

I hate living here. I hate feeling so out of control. I feel disempowered. I feel weak. I feel hopeless. I need help, but can't afford it.

:: 2011 22 April :: 11.55am

Almost finished with College
Today is my last day of internship! I can't believe it because this is the first time in my life that I get to take a break from working so hard and standing long hours straight. Ever since I entered college, I didn't get to do what most college students got to do and experience like hanging and going out with their friends. First semester of college was nice and easygoing, but the second semester required me to wake up early and get to class by 6:30am everyday, which all culinary students have to do. Then there was another semester where I had to get to class by 8am, but I was still on my feet everyday and also going to my classes. It's tiring to work and learn at the same time. I finally made it. I am at least 90% done. The reason it's tiring is because culinary students have to think up menu ideas and we have to know what we're doing. Half the time I didn't know what to do. I didn't have common sense. Towards the end, I now have common sense and able to work alone. Almost efficiently. So yeah. I'm quite happy today.

Since I only have a few things to worry about. Only 2 math tests left. I have all the time that I need to study. Studying math only took me less than 30 minutes or maybe I would say 15-20 minutes. Since I'm better at it, I only spend 15 minutes each day. I don't do the problems. I just read the notes, then I wait for the teacher to hand out review sheets and I do 'em. I find studying in the morning helps and is better than studying at night because I tend to slack off at night. I get easily distracted too. It really helped that I don't live at the old place because the new place forces me to wake up early and get to school early.

I had blogged here ever since I was in high school. Now I'm finishing college. Very different type of entries I wrote back in the days. Different mindsets. I liked movies a lot before, and I still do, but lately I'm so preoccupied with more important things, I'm starting to forget about movies. I don't go on twitter as much anymore either. Next class starts at 12:10pm. Better get going.

:: 2011 21 April :: 7.43pm

Home of an IUD. no babies, periods or hormones for me!

It hurts but I can deal.

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