lalala

:: 2011 21 January :: 1.26am

Warm saline..
An inability to breathe..

An allergic reaction to life.

:: 2011 20 January :: 10.49am

2 more pounds down! 7 total! Go me!

And all I had to do is workout everyday and not eat anything! Go super restrictive diets! ;)

:: 2011 18 January :: 11.44am

:/ is it Feb 3 yet?

4 loves | <3

:: 2011 17 January :: 8.09pm

I will play DDR again. I will play DDR again. I will play DDR again.

I'm ready to move on with my life, but we'll be stuck here at least 2 more years.. Until 2013.. Summertime. I think we'll both go nucking futs. I don't think we even know what happiness is anymore. It's like forcing a cat to live underwater here. And we are both drowning. It's hard, too, as we feed of each other's unhappiness and that just makes everything that much worse.

I hope I get this new position. I hope I get it so I can get out of debt and star saving for the move and rebuilding my credit. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I'm ready to get ahead in my life. I'm ready to fulfill my potential and show everyone just how amazing I am. I know money can't buy happiness but it most certainly helps greatly.

I just hate waiting in purgatory for something to happen.

:: 2011 16 January :: 7.46pm

Lots of bad feelings. I'm done with today.

:: 2011 16 January :: 11.21am

I really hope I get this new position. 51k is way better than 31k.

:: 2011 12 January :: 10.10am

I've lost 5 lbs since Monday!!!!!

I'm so happy I could scream!!!

:: 2011 9 January :: 9.45pm
:: Music: NIN - we're in this together now

"Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we've found
Well they've got to hate what we fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear"

:: 2011 7 January :: 3.50pm

Medifast got here today and I got my hair done :D I look uber sexy! My hair is platinum with a purple shadow. It's very nice!

I'm really hoping Medifast works for me. It's helped a shit ton of people and as long as I stay strict I know I can't at least succeed a little. My starting weight is a little embarrassing so it's not going up here. But hopefully within 10 months I'll get down to 165 and be fit. Diet and exercise, school and work. It's going to be a real struggle balancing everything along with working on the relationship. How do people do it?

I know I can succeed because I have the support I need. Now I just need to see the first bit of results for motivation. I will succeed and I will DDR again.

Plus once this is all said and done I'm totally getting an augmentation. Nothing big, just up to a solid D on both sides. For celebration and self confidence.

:: 2011 2 January :: 3.58am

Do you ever feel ridiculously ugly and unwanted...?

I hate feeling like this.

:: 2010 28 December :: 6.34pm

I miss expressing myself.

:: 2010 28 December :: 12.48pm
:: Mood: blah

I should focus on a good winter break and the start of my internship this week instead of worrying about my grades. That can't be changed. Whatever happens happen. I used to fail several classes in high school and never worried a bit. I retake those classes and pass. When I'm in college, why am I so worried?

:: 2010 27 December :: 10.07pm

It's like my dreams foretells the future. My grades are gonna suck.

:: 2010 25 December :: 10.00am
:: Mood: cold

Christmas Morning
Merry Christmas Woohu & Everyone on Woohu!

I watched Kick-Ass again the night before Christmas and went to sleep at 1am. Sleeping was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time because it's been freezing cold. Strong wind and rain last night. I had unpleasant dreams 4 days in a row now. First 3 nights was about getting a failing grade for math. The 4th night was about not doing well in school and skipping class because I found bedbugs in the seams of my backpack. More than 100 bedbugs fell out of my backpack at school, I screamed. More fell out when I got home, I screamed in terror. I think they bit me last night. I was feeling itchy all over. Other than those weird dreams, my Christmas Eve was pretty good. Went out with my mom's old friends all day to show them various tourist places. They didn't seem that excited because they just had a purpose for visiting my mom.

I always have to work on holidays either it's because no one was willing to work that day or the day matches my work days like new years for instance. I'm totally fine with it. I won't be doing much at home anyways because my mom's also at work. I got up early without needing to sleep an extra hour because I felt like sneezing. Hope I didn't get a cold.

:: 2010 22 December :: 7.43pm

Alaska at last :)
Landed safe in Alaska :) hanging out at home with Danielle and Sus :3
Corky's a little under the weather haha but it's self-inflicted..

When shopping at Freddy's and surprisingly found a bunch of great shirts for Sus's Christmas presents :3 and no big taxes! Yay! Now all he needs is pants and he's all ready for college fashion-wise haha I'm really excited for him :)

It's nice to be on vacation away from all the stress and darkness that is Spokane. I feel happier now that we're getting a break and I can focus on trying to fix what I've broken. It's a good opportunity for me.

:: 2010 12 December :: 12.14am

Driving on the freeway, fogged windows and the rain coming down in soft sheets, like bed clothes for my heart.. Beautiful echoing in my heart and mind. The music gently carrying me

I have to remind myself we are far from home.. And yet I still allow myself one blissful moment where I forget.

I am complete. I am home in my heart.

:: 2010 11 December :: 1.43pm

I feel like poo... And I have to go to work.. :(

today is a blah day. I really want to just go to Alaska. I need a vacation from Spokane.

:: 2010 3 December :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: relieved

Interning soon
I finally took the Math test today, but I feel that I didn't do so well because factoring is a confusing subject with different methods. The methods throw me off almost completely. I was able to keep myself together. Other than that, I'm excited for my internship. First, I need to get going on that Cover Letter or else I'll fall behind, and that'll be my fault. I always wanted to intern at this place few years ago and it looks like I'll get it because my counselor emailed the chef and chef said he wanted me to email him with my resume and cover letter. Need to get that done quick! I always set my eyes on that place although it looks very intimidating, but I'm going for it. My mom told me I should.

:: 2010 3 December :: 6.57am

I'm so fat. And hideous. Perfectly um-fucking-touchable.

:: 2010 2 December :: 4.36pm

This semester is almost coming to an end. Some things I need to get done is study for the test today and next week, I need to make my plated dessert project. I decided to do a vegan dessert because I experiment with it last year, and the outcome was good. People liked it.

:: 2010 1 December :: 12.32pm

I miss abilify.. But not the hunger that comes with it.

:: 2010 28 November :: 1.03pm

Day 1 without Abilify.. Wish me luck!

:: 2010 25 November :: 1.22am

Sigh.

:: 2010 19 November :: 8.55am

Damn erratic sleep needs. Now I'm up at 8 :/

:: 2010 14 November :: 9.34am

I'm sitting on the couch with my little bazooka. I just fed her some fancy feast, let her lick my hand, purring, and pet her cute little face. It's her birthday month. I've had her for 3 years.. And these are probably the last few hours I'll get with her.

I love my baby. I am torn to see her go. There's a heaviness in my heart, but I know it's for the best. She'll be happier in her new home, more space, a better catbox, more money to have nice things and a perpetually clean litter box.

I'll miss her. :(

:: 2010 10 November :: 12.56pm

I'm suck a LAZY FAT FUCK.

:: 2010 9 November :: 10.52am

I'm so freaked out I can't sleep..
My car..
My cat..
My weight..
My debt..
My credit..
Christmas..

Ugh. I just want to sleep

:: 2010 8 November :: 1.41pm

There's a heavy pain in my heart.. And I hate it.

:: 2010 7 November :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: worried

I finally found out the reason why I'm not effectively studying for my tests. That's because my place is so messy. I don't have a studying area. When it's so messy, I get distracted and clean all day. Like today, I wanted to do laundry since 12pm, but the machines weren't free, so I had to wait for a long time until 3:30pm. I did all the dishes, made food and just went back and forth until I can finish my laundry. I'm not in the mood to study anymore. Tomorrow, I'm gonna devote all of my time to study at school and not coming home until I finish because the distractions are killing me. I can't be going back and forth cleaning and studying at the same time.

aerii

:: 2010 4 November :: 2.09pm

Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!