lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2010 3 November :: 2.07pm

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it..
And usually the anwser is no. But that doesn't change it.
I'm getting tired. And I can bring myself to get loud and fix it.
I'm just getting to be exhausted.. Every second is a battle to stay awake.
I could have slept all day today.

:: 2010 3 November :: 2.49am

Big warm fuzzy secret heart..

I need like 14 more drinks and maybe I'd be ok.
But right now... Oh no.
:/

:: 2010 1 November :: 11.03pm

SF Giants Won the World Series - Crazy Night
I can't tell if the bumps on my face are bedbug bites or just regular acne anymore. I haven't gotten them in a long time, but few nights ago, 4 bedbugs (large & small) were chewing on my left jaw. I woke up, my mom took out the flashlight and I looked in the mirror to see pink swelling marks. It's happening again. This time, 5 marks. I feel overwhelmed.

SF GIANTS won the World Series today!! San Franciscans are going crazy!! Screams, cheers, honking, weed.. so much excitement for these folks. I'm happy for the team, but they won at like before 7:30pm I believe. The movie DUE DATE started at 7:30pm, so it was around that. Facebook updates are flooded with GIANTS winning the game. When I walked out of the theatre, I didn't expect to see a big celebration with black and orange mostly. Every time I walk out of the theater, it was always quiet. Except today, people standing in the streets with cops everywhere and the streets closed. People running in front of cars and buses. Such a crazy night.

:: 2010 30 October :: 6.47pm

First thanksgiving where I'm running the show!! I'm so excited!!

Alixz is helping with some exciting smashed Parmesan potatoes!

I'm making a salted lemon-oregano roasted turkey, mushroom strudel, some salad and the obligatory cranberry sauce in a can!

I'm really super stoked to be cooking this year! And I'm really excited to make the day after turkey pot pue which I missed out on last year!

I just have to decide if I want to work a shift on thanksgiving or not.. It's my normal day off.. Hmmm...

:: 2010 30 October :: 1.49pm

So I've decided I'm going to try the diet Corky is on.. I'm hoping that I'll be successful.

I'm struggling with self esteem issues and my appetite is out of control even with prescription diet pills. I just want to lose the weight, feel attractive, relieve my back pain and feel healthy and happy. Everyday I look at myself and see my pretty face and hair and I like that, but I see my fatty chin and big pot belly and just feel replusive. I want to look as pretty as I know I am. I want to look like I used to.

I really want to play DDR again. I want that happiness back.

So, this is my plan;
step one is pay back my dad
step two is pay off my bestbuy card
step three is pay off my Bowflex card
step four is buy Medifast
step five is pay off student loan
step five is pay off Wellsfargo

step one will take 2 paychecks
step two will take 2 more
step three will take 6 paychecks
step four is going to push everything 1 paycheck out
step five will take 16 months (but it's good for my credit so I don't mind that taking forever)
step six will take 13 paychecks

I think the two year plan will make it just barely :)
and with Medifast hopefully I'll move back to Seattle one hot bitch.

:: 2010 29 October :: 11.23am

Last night was theraputic. :)

:: 2010 28 October :: 7.52pm

I need to just understand that I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy what I have.

:: 2010 28 October :: 4.58pm

Excitement in San Francisco - World Series
Yesterday was the first day of the World Series. Texas Rangers vs. San Francisco Giants. Too much excitement in San Francisco. Everywhere I go, I see people wearing Giant's merch such as hats, jackets, shirts, pins, etc.. People are too crazy about baseball. I'm not a fan of baseball because it isn't my thing, but I can understand why people are so obsessed. I checked the forecast yesterday, and it was supposed to rain, but it hadn't even started to rain yet. Strange. The clouds are gray, but I don't see a drop of water. Even though I'm not a sports fan, I kind of want to know the results of the game. The game is about to start, I'll check it out anyway.

:: 2010 28 October :: 10.55am

Last night was really fun :3
especially in the bedroom ;)

now onto lunch with my family!
And then an evening with a cute girl!
And then the couch comes on Friday!!1!1one1!!

Yay for good weekends :D

:: 2010 27 October :: 1.29am

I realize clearly now I made a mistake.
I regret it almost everyday.

:: 2010 26 October :: 12.08pm

Hmm.. I'm tired. But not sleepy.

I'm bored, too.

And thinking college might be a little further off than I thought.

I'm disappointed, but I'm just assuming at this point, which I'm not supposed to do, so I won't worry..

I'm glad our apt is looking super homie :)

:: 2010 24 October :: 8.03pm

Two year list:

1. Pay my dad back
2. Pay off Best Buy card
3. Go to college
4. Pay off Bowflex card
5. Pay off Wellsfargo card
6. Finish paying off Sallie Mae
7. Get a promotion

pretty good list.. :)

:: 2010 24 October :: 7.59pm

SF Giants
I passed all my midterm tests with so much effort in studying. Yesterday, San Francisco Giants won the game and people were still excited hours later. Ok I thought. So much excitement and cheering even when it was raining. People still went outside to scream and cheer. They screamed at the camera when I was watching the news(and this was in the rain). I never liked sports, but it was good to know. People like to do get-togethers and cheer away. My mom said because SF Giants is the city's team. People like to cheer for their city's team.

:: 2010 19 October :: 6.54pm

It went ok.. I don't think the dr is very effective, but I think we made a little progress :)

:: 2010 18 October :: 7.07pm

Tomorrow is the meeting with my parents. I am terrified. And I'm going alone. This will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.

I'm not looking forward to tomoorow at all. I'm not looking forward to the future.

I'm not even looking forward to getting off work.. Or being at work..

I just hate every second I spend awake. I hate every moment that passes and I feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, dejected, worthless, fat and stupid.

And that seems to be every waking moment almost.

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.42pm

Why do I even come home..?

:: 2010 17 October :: 2.34pm

They don't seem to be working.. :(

:: 2010 16 October :: 1.15pm

if i don't see you eating healthy and losing weight i'm sure as hell not going to listen to your dieting advice.

i'm so fucking done with being fat. i'm so fucking done of feeling like i'm starving and working my ass off just to see those 3 fucking numbers go up.

according to BMI i am .5 away from being obese. i hate myself so much. i hate being this fucking huge ass cow with back issues because i fucking gained all this weight.

i hate all those skinny people who tell me they're fat.
i hate all those people who eat shit and don't work out and are thin.
i hate everyone who looks at me and thinks i'm a lazy fat asshole.

i hate feeling like the biggest fucking failure because i've gained so much fucking weight for no good reason and have no medical excuse to not be losing it.

i am so fucking sick with and disappointed in myself.

:: 2010 15 October :: 4.37pm

Another boring weekend come and gone

:: 2010 15 October :: 1.44am

Pinkle Purr
by A. A. Milne

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
A little black nothing of feet and fur;
And by-and-by, when his eyes came through,
He saw his mother, the big Tattoo.
And all that he learned he learned from her.
"I'll ask my mother," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
A rediculous kitten with silky fur.
And little black Pinkle grew and grew
Till he got as big as the big Tattoo.
And all that he did he did with her.
"Two friends together," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
An adventurous cat in a coat of fur.
And whenever he thought of a thing to do,
He didn't much bother about Tattooo,
For he knows it's nothing to do with her,
So "See you later," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo is the mother of Pinkle Purr,
An enormous leopard with coal-black fur.
A little brown kitten that's nearly new
Is now playing games with its big Tattoo...
And Pink looks lazily down at her:
"Dear little Tat," says Pinkle Purr.

:: 2010 15 October :: 1.35am

Soo sleepeh and it's waaaaay before my bed time ;)

:: 2010 13 October :: 5.52pm

I'm getting married in a week.

:: 2010 12 October :: 7.20pm

In these small moments, where I truly am alone, I can find a small ounce of beauty in how utterly singular our lives are. We are only us and we will never truly understand another living thing. We are alone from the moment we are conceived to the moment we die.

I usually find this idea appauling and ridiculously depressing, but right now.. I can see how it is quite beautiful. Like decay.

:: 2010 11 October :: 1.16pm

Really, really need to buy some groceries.. :/ really, really tired :( not ready for a busy day at work..

Bleh :/

:: 2010 10 October :: 12.49pm

Mmmm deep fried fish candy! Nothing better than that! ;)

:: 2010 9 October :: 10.54am

Ahh insomnia.. Again welcome to my life..

I'm so tired of working out and dieting and getting nowhere :(

:: 2010 8 October :: 8.42pm

Seeing the family made my week :)

but now I'm home and it's boring and not fun.

:: 2010 8 October :: 1.15pm

I don't hate you. I just don't feel like pretending today.

:: 2010 8 October :: 12.44am
:: Music: We're In This Together Now - NIN

I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what they fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything

:: 2010 8 October :: 12.38am

So drunk.. I kinda miss HS b/c of all the inside jokes..

I am disappointed in tonight but it's nice to reconnect :)

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