lalala

lalala

:: 2010 4 May :: 6.56pm

Is it honestly too much to ask to have more than one or two worthwhile people in your entire life who care?

I mean.. I know Sus cares.. And my sister is great when we hang out..

But all people here do is make me feel like shit for being me, for sharing my feelings, for expecting people to actually be a friend.. But no. People don't give a fuck no matter how loudly I scream for help, no matter how many times I try to ask...

I honestly feel like every single person I have ever cared about here thinks I'm a worthless piece of shit who's broken and just... Garbage.

Maybe I am. One person loves me unconditionally. One person reaches out when I need them.. And the rest blame me fo them not helping.

I am so scared to run out of my medicine. I don't want to die, but I know I will want to once they run out.

I just want to be happy.
To feel loved.
To not have every negative thought I have reinforced by the people in my life.

I quit.

godessalthena

:: 2010 4 May :: 11.23am

So.. We have two plans.
Plan a is awesome
Plan b will suck but is manageable

both lead to happiness in the end.. And both have a sucky part..
But just knowing that we actually have 2 viable plans makes me feel so much better about my life.

This is the first time in a lot time I feel like a goal
is achieveable

godessalthena

:: 2010 4 May :: 8.42am

Good lord freaking BRR!!

godessalthena

:: 2010 3 May :: 7.11am

I'm living for the weekend.

godessalthena

:: 2010 28 April :: 1.03pm

godessalthena

:: 2010 28 April :: 11.05am

aerii

:: 2010 26 April :: 2.51pm

Working on a kickass summer playlist.
This summer is looking better and better.
Now I just have to finish school and kick biology's ass so I can really enjoy my break.

godessalthena

:: 2010 26 April :: 5.51am

I remember a time when always looking amazing was very important to me..
Now I don't really give a crap when I go out.
I kinda miss being that vain, just because I felt better about myself..
Spokane has made me a lazy fuck. I need to change that.

labyrinth

:: 2010 25 April :: 3.24pm

I want today to pass so I can go to school tomorrow. I don't want the cooking program to end because I'll miss my classmates and friends. I treat everyday as if there's no tomorrow. You never know. Things can change and moments pass. I never hate anyone even if it's the last thing. Life's too short.

godessalthena

:: 2010 24 April :: 4.55pm

I wish moving was easier.
I wish life would stop taking a crap all over me.
I'm done with Spokane. Once I finally leave I am NEVER coming back. For any reason.

I have never hated a place more than I hate this place.

labyrinth

:: 2010 23 April :: 7.16pm

Listening to B-Movie's gloomy song 'Scare Some Life into Me' makes me feel at ease. Gloomy music makes me happy when I'm not feeling good.

godessalthena

:: 2010 23 April :: 7.12am

I woke up this mornig being caressed by my lover and with images of Seattle in my mind.. I could see all my favorite places so clearly.. And I could feel love and warmth in Sus's touch and it was at that moment I realized where all my passion has gone..

I never lost it.. I just wasn't used to it being so concentrated in so few things. I used to be passionate about so much and now.. Every ounce is focused into the twobest and most important things in the world:

my lover and my home.

Its like everything I am and that ever was and every will be is focused on my love of these two things. It's an incredible feeling :)

i've never felt more. I've never been happier. I might explode when we get back to Seattle :)

1 love | <3

aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 7.40pm

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last, since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

If there's something inside that you want to say
Say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

I need love
I need love

labyrinth

:: 2010 21 April :: 5.42pm

Insane
I feel fat. I see fat, but people say I'm skinny. That is insane because it's so not true.

labyrinth

:: 2010 21 April :: 5.35pm

I kept my words, which was good. I don't want to say I can do something, but ended up not being able to.

aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 3.13pm

too much death this year.

godessalthena

:: 2010 21 April :: 7.11am

I am so torn between wanting to stay at this amazing job and wanting to move back to Seattle. I mean Seattle wins hands down when it comes down to everything... Except money/finacial security. At this point I think we are on the plan where after our lease is up we'll go month to month until we have enough to go home.. But who knows when that will be? We want to have a good store of money. And..

Well if you like at it like this: I'll be making approximately $1100 each paycheck so that's $2200 every month. Right now we are living off my wage of $700 a month pulse what Sus is making (I don't care to discuss his $$ it's his to discuss). So that means that if we can exist on $700 (which includes entertainment) we'll have an extra $1500 a month to save round-about. That means in 4 months we'll have $6000 which is a fairly decent amount to move with. And that's just on my end.

The part Im worried about is finding a job over there. The only reason why I'd want to stay is after a year of working here I could ge my adjustor's lisence and get a claims adjusting job in Seattle making at least the same amount. And that looks really good to the logical/unfeeling side of me. The prospect of staying in Spokan for another year is probably one of the most repulsive thoughts that has crossed my mind..

I guess it just really boils down to this autumn. How we feel and what we save...

Here's to hope!

labyrinth

:: 2010 18 April :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: relieved

Tableside cooking?
I told one of my classmates that I wanted to do tableside cooking, and he put me there. But the hard part is coming up with a fine dining menu and the customers have to buy the food. The instructor told me nothing sauteed or hot oil. I've been thinking about menu ideas since Friday, before sleep, when I'm already asleep and waking up. So I finally picked a recipe to try out. My mom said the food tastes good, but it doesn't look like something to be served in a fine dining restaurant. So I don't want to do it anymore because I can't find the perfect vegan recipe. I wanted to make portobello burritos, spinach lasagna, sauteed and baked foods, but then it wouldn't be tableside. I didn't give up. I'm just tired of forcing myself to use my mind to think. Plus, it's optional. No need to sweat it. I want to be able to relax after school without stress for this whole week because I took over my mom's shift last week and didn't have break. I finally have break today, but I want to go to church next week. I feel tired like I'm out of breath as if I ran miles and miles of laps. I feel relieved for quitting.

labyrinth

:: 2010 18 April :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: anxious

I wanted to watch movies on the computer, but it made weird noises, so I didn't want to force it. Oh well. I'm nervous for this week. I hope I don't do anything stupid.

godessalthena

:: 2010 18 April :: 11.49am
:: Mood: sick

Sick.. Grumpy.. :(

I just want to buy an interview outfit I feel confident it. That's all I want to do.

godessalthena

:: 2010 17 April :: 7.30pm

I wish I could just be depressed again.
Damn addictions.

godessalthena

:: 2010 16 April :: 1.47pm

Caught a cold :(

angel_bob

:: 2010 15 April :: 2.16am

I just want a crappy car (NOT TRUCK) that I can drive to work. Is that too much to ask for?

Craigslist is letting me down for the first time ever. All it has are trucks and winstars.

Nick won't let me get the mustang convertible for some reason.

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2010 14 April :: 10.53pm

Pain = ucky

1 love | <3

godessalthena

:: 2010 14 April :: 11.19am

$16 an hour.
Guarenteed 37.5 hours a week
Benefits
22 days paid vacation
great environment
awesome coworkers...

And I am a shoe-in!

godessalthena

:: 2010 12 April :: 7.01pm

I got everything I wanted :) and more!!

I love Sus! And his mom! And my family really made me feel loved this year!! :D

:)

so happy

godessalthena

:: 2010 12 April :: 2.41pm

Today is the anniversary of my birth :)

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2010 11 April :: 12.29pm

Yesterday was quite honestly the best birthday I've ever had! I got drunk! I got to finally hang out with Josh!! God I love that boy and that friendship! I couldn't hold in my excitement to see him and I gave him the biggest hug ever! He seems to be having a difficult time and I'm so glad we got to reconnect like that.. He is so.. Rejuvinating! I feel like new life has been breathed into me :)

we played kings cup :) everyone had a good time! More people showed up than I thought would and they were all the important people in my life :) I got to go to irv's and no one I didn't like hit on me! I didn't get to drink a lot there because I had a tummy ache :(

my parents got me an amazing new set of pots and pans! I got a beautiful set of earings from Zuzu! Everyone at Idv's were jealous and they wanted a pair hehe :3 and a really sweet mix cd which I shall rip and load as a playlist on my iPhone :3 it was soo nice to see zuzu and I'm really glad she could make it!

New roomie is looking to be awesome! And she meshes well with my friends! And she likes girls so we all know what that means! Strip club night!! Hell ya!!

Ahhhhhh yesterday was FUCKING RAD!! And Sus did an amazing job on the decorations! And I can't wait to see what he got me!!! AHHH I LOVE MY AMAZINGLY HOT AND THOUGHTFUL BOYFRIEND/BEST FRIEND EVER!!!!!11!!1!1 one!!1!

1 love | <3

angel_bob

:: 2010 11 April :: 2.52am
:: Music: SHARKS IN VENICE on SyFy

wuzzupdate
Real quick because I don't really feel like writing but I do feel like you guys deserve an update.

I got a promotion at work after being here for 10.5 months. woo. I will now be making 65 cents more (plus shift bonuses). I've actually been acting in this position for a month so it's nothing new. I did it last November but I just realized I only mentioned this on my other blog so I better link to that so I don't have to explain anything because I'm feeling lazy.

Nick and I got awesome tax returns and put most of it away in our savings account for an engagement ring. So that should happen soon. I don't know, Nick's being vague about it. He's all "I have a plan" and "stop bugging me" and "I want to make it special". It's annoying.

I DVR'd both Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha. I've been wanting to watch the former for about a year now and the latter was just too good to pass up. I mean, seriously? Here's the synopsis on my DVR: "Giant mutant piranha escape from the Amazon and head for Florida." You know what? Just watch the trailers:
Read more..

And now I'm watching Sharks in Venice which has terrible Italian accents, Stephen Baldwin and the synopsis "A great white shark menaces the waterways of Venice." Oh and it wasn't even filmed in Venice. That was too hard. This soundstage is terrible and the music is even worse.

So I think that's it. I'll try to write more often but nowadays I sleep and work and I'm lucky if I have the energy to do anything else.

Still love you all, by the way.

P.S. I forgot to mention that today Stupid Cat not only pooped on the only rug in the bathroom but also peed on it right before I went to take a shower. He (it could have been the Other Cat, but I doubt it because he's not dumb) then proceeded to PEE AGAIN in the same spot (and waited until we got home to do it!!) because he is a jerk.

P.P.S. Before you try to diagnose Stupid Cat with some Stupid Urinary Infection or Stupid Bowel Disease, he did the first Stupid Move because their litter needed to be changed and the Second Stupid Dumbass Jerk Move because I apparently didn't get rid of the smell well enough and he's a big meenie.

P.P.P.S. Update from my Adventures in Wikipedia:
"Empire State of Mind got at most 20 million views on youtube (combining all the videos of the song together) They thought that this song was going to be a bigger success; however, only the east coast and the west coast knew about this song. This song was a failure due to the amount of views it got, they were desperate on youtube so they gave it acouple million more views than it originally had. Only 10 radio stations put this song on air in the whole entire world, only 10 radio stations had it on. Due to this, Jay Z quit singing and Alicia Keys retired aswell. Many were shocked and disappointed"

labyrinth

:: 2010 10 April :: 11.54pm

I kept on being an idiot from time to time. What is wrong with me?