lalala

:: 2010 9 February :: 11.08pm

Attention: please disreguard last two posts. I was totally PMSing and had NO idea. Haha

:: 2010 7 February :: 11.16pm

alone is a shitty place to be right now.

but here i am.

and i haven't been here in a long time.

but to be honest, its a little comforting.. to finally have room enough to think and to breathe.. to contemplate all that's happened and to center myself in this chaotic world.

i feel as if my life has been moving way to fast and stagnating at the same time. i don't know where i'm going and i don't know if i've been anywhere.. but i'm here. and i'm terrified.

i haven't thought about death for a month now. today is the first day i've seriously thought about what it would be like to be dead. would i feel this way? i want to forget that i can ever feel like this. it feels wrong. and bad. and scary. i feel so alone and i feel so jaded. i feel like i did when he first fucked me. i feel like i did when they all left. i feel like i did when i left him. i feel like i did when i showed them my soul. i feel like i have felt most of my life.

and the saddest part is this is the first time ive been alone since i started the medicine and i just can't deal with it. i'm so used to constant companionship. being left alone to my thoughts is proving a dangerous thing..

not that i'm in danger of dying. just of.. being sad..

which is not my favorite place anymore...

:: 2010 7 February :: 7.25pm

Does life ever feel so intense and real that it's hard to breathe?

Does it ever feel like you're exploding and imploding at the same time?

Like there's a piece of your heart trying to escape the bars of your chest.. A prisoner in a cage of pain.. And there is so little you can do to ease the hurt it's futile attempts?

I haven't been able to feel like this in forever

:: 2010 7 February :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: amused

That guy at the movie screening is following my twitter! He doesn't even know it was me. I think he remembers my face at most movie screenings, but he doesn't know me. Strange. I'm making this confusing.

I had lots of vegan chocolate chip pancakes for lunch! Still very full right now.
I really like that site: jaiku.com. It's my second twitter for thoughts, feelings, and movies. I use twitter for getting new updates, but I use jaiku anytime.

:: 2010 6 February :: 11.16pm

I don't feel like I need to be part of anything only if I feel like it.
Today, I was frustrated with math again! I almost went crazy, but was able to put myself together. My mom helped me a lot. Then I calmed down.

:: 2010 3 February :: 3.24pm

Happy late birthday Lily!!!

:: 2010 30 January :: 5.04pm

Well... Last night was fun!
Went out to Irv's and got waaaaay too drunk! (I threw up haha I haven't been that trashed for a long time) it was just really nice to go out and be social.. We hung out with the manager of hot topic.. And our friend Heidi and a few other people.. It was pretty fun. We met a guy named Riley! He's a bartender from Seattle and can tell jokes!! Awesome!! I love jokes!

The nicest part is that I'm not hung over.. The not nice part is I'm covered with mystery bruises.. And I hit my head twice and that really fucking hurts haha

Sara is awesome! She's prolly moving in in a week or two.. Which is f-in' rad! She's really sweet and genuine.. And she's kinda like me. So we relate pretty well :) I'm excited!

I also had a job interview yesterday for Washington trust bank.. I really hope I get it cuz I really hate my coworkers and job.. But a least it's a job that pays decently and has reasonable hours and good security.

3 loves | <3

:: 2010 30 January :: 11.17am

Movies?
People said I should become a movie critic but I don't think I have a good enough judgment for movies. There are many times when I watch something, and appreciate it for what it is. The genre, visuals, settings, story, but I might not like it all that much. I watch anything that's enjoyable and fun, but my favorite genres are mostly horror(or combined with fantasy/sci-fi), science fiction, post-apocalyptic, animated, and some more that I can't think of right now.

:: 2010 27 January :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: sleepy

Speech class
The beginning of my day began in Speech class. I'm not very good at talking about something I thought of on top of my head. Giving a speech is not the problem. The problem is that I get confused, and my choice of words doesn't really sound professional. I noticed using words like "yeah", "you know?", "like", or "um" very often. When my instructor asked me a question, it took me a while to think. At least I chose a topic that kept her interested. She asked me questions. I gave a speech on what I learned last semester 2009. I used facts from In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. I just explained very brief how processed foods are bad for your health. The meat class changing my diet, and watching that Food Inc. movie in Nutrition. Too bad I sort of fell asleep in class during Food Inc. I couldn't help myself because I planned on renting the movie again to watch in my own time. I don't really want to watch it when my mom's around.

I'm the type of person who wants to know the truth even if it's nasty or ugly. The truth is, animals are mistreated in slaughterhouses! I'm not trying to sound like a freak, but that's a fact.

:: 2010 19 January :: 8.42pm

I hate people.
Especially stupid people.
Why can't I find intelligent, quailty friends?

I know! Cuz I'm in fucking SPOKANE.

:: 2010 17 January :: 1.19am
:: Mood: stressed

Thinking about school just makes my head hurt. On the bright side, school's not forever. I'll have fun later. It is good to learn anyway.

aerii

:: 2010 13 January :: 8.54pm

Lets move to Norway!

:: 2010 13 January :: 2.11am
:: Mood: sick

I finished reading The Lovely Bones in a week, and saw the movie today.
I like Veganism, but I'm going back to eating fish and desserts because I love my mom. My family is more important than Veganism.

:: 2010 13 January :: 12.15am

I am so completely obsessed with my wok! I've made mushroom chicken! And fried rice! And tomato beef curry! Ahhh I love it!!!

I also made gyro fixins!

Ours is a happy house :3

aerii

:: 2010 12 January :: 9.54pm

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for

:: 2010 11 January :: 1.16pm

I find it amazing how much a simple pill organizer improves my life.

And I love how working how instantly strs showing results. I worked out yesterday and my max BPM was 185. This morning my max BPM was 170. I know that doesn't sound like anything amazing bit honestly that is a huge improvement fir just one 15min session. I love it!

:: 2010 10 January :: 5.44pm

1. Lose the last 40 lbs before July.
2. Condition my heart.
3. Get over my jealousy issues.
4. Write letter to my parents.

I know I can do it all. I think the hardest one is 3.. Easiest is 2.
The others are going to suck :/

but I can do it! Cuz I rock!

:: 2010 10 January :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: tired

I can't believe I almost forgot about woohu! Happy New Year! I didn't make an entry for 2010! I've been keeping up with movie updates every single day. Three movies for me to watch next week. The Wolfman is definitely a must. I like the old one, but it's still exciting to watch remakes.

I realized that I worried about my grades for no reason. My goal was to get at least C's in all classes. I ended up with 3 B's and 1 C. Good enough for me. Not amazing, but I just need to pass to get on with life. I want to do other things in the future.

Angel_bob

:: 2010 10 January :: 3.01am

I just watched Return to Me and then played some Assassin's Creed. I now have the world's strongest yearning to go back to Italy. Seriously.

I think Italian will be my next language to learn. After I finish my current goals, of course.

Oh, here are my New Year's whatevers:
(Check out that underline, this is official, kids.)

Read the Bible (that I've had since third grade) and blah-g about it.

Read the Qur'an (that I received from the wonderful CAIR) and blah-g about it.

Find a church that I like (and actually go and check it out). Current prospects: Fountain Street Church and Grand Rapids Friends.

Get married (ha ha, a girl can dream).

I love you all.

:: 2010 9 January :: 5.35pm

The Cymbalta has started working again! Last night. I guess it really does just take a while!

Lewiston is the most disgusting smelling town I've ever has the misfortune of smelling! But this new girl we hung out with seems really sweet and I'm excited to hang out with her again! Too bad she's two freaking hours away! :(

I'm so excited for cooking now that I have money for food!

:: 2010 8 January :: 11.10pm

I know it's a proven fact but I still have a hard time with the idea that depression is a disease. And I have it. And right now it feels like there is no cure.

I loved how I felt when I first started Cymbalta. Now I'm afraid I've fucked it up because of New Year's... I don't feel the same. I feel a milder form of my depression, but it is still there while before it was all but completely gone..

It's really frustrating and disappointing. I just want to be happy and not feel like I'm a shitty person or that all the bad things in my life happen because I somehow deserve it.. I just want to feel comfortable todo the things I wantto do. I want to feel like I can be myself without looking over my shoulder..

What I reallywant is to undo all the damage my brother caused and forget about how fucked up it's made me.. I am so fucked up and I am so fucking tired of it..

:: 2010 6 January :: 8.12pm

I feel a little broken.. And it's not good..

I want to stay home tomorrow.. And just cook.
But we don't have any money to buy food to cook :(
but last night I cooked some amazing stir fry with zucchini and chicken and mushrooms! It was all healthy and SUPER fast and easy!

Ah good times

Angel_bob

:: 2010 5 January :: 3.02am

Things that make me happy
Nick did NOT propose to me on Christmas or on New Year's Eve. I have taught him well.

I have tomorrow off.

I switched a comp day with someone so I can have my birthday off and the guy was SO nice about it that I might make him cookies or something.

I received a cookbook and an apron for Christmas. Both of which I asked for and are awesome.

I still have my Christmas wreath up and I think Nick forgot it was there so I will keep it FOREVER.

I went to bed last night at 10:40pm and woke up at 8am.

My boss asked Nick and I out to dinner with him and his girlfriend.

It is my birthday month!

:: 2010 3 January :: 2.20am
:: Mood: disappointed

tomorrow will be sunny...

right...?

:: 2010 2 January :: 4.39pm

Blech blech blech.. Feeling like poo.. But it was worth it!

I love my wok! I am so excited for all the delicious food I get to make!

Re-dying my hair finally! Gonna look soooo sexy!
Totally cemented the friendship between us and Kaila! Step one finished.. Now the only obstacle is her family being unaccepting buttheads..

And we are going to have a girls day :) go out to do stuff and hopefully some sushi! :3

and the new tv came1!1!!!1 soooooo HUGE and amazing!! <3

:: 2010 1 January :: 12.52am

Happy new years!!

This year is going to be 100 times better than last year!!

:: 2009 31 December :: 8.56pm

Best new years eve ever!!!!!

:: 2009 30 December :: 9.19pm

At work.. Sitting alone.. Not really missed.. My back hurts.

I got a wok and accessories from my family! Which I'm really excited about! I've been wanting a wok for a really long time! Yay!