godessalthena
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2017 6 October :: 10.13pm
chicken parm turned out ok, will be better next time if i do it again!
so incredibly stoned right now, but can't quite relax
can't sleep much anymore
getting headaches from my nsaids
the world is about to explode on itself
but thank fucking goddess there's fucking weed
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 2 October :: 9.34am
i was hoping that a sleep would help get rid of this empty hollow feeling deep inside
but how can sleep help with horrible things when horrible things happen whilst there?
i don't want to live here any longer. maybe all those celebrities died last year because they knew what was coming.
please someone stop this crazy ride, i want to get off.
2 loves |
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 1 October :: 9.38am
:: Mood: crushed
i have a big old heart of stone today.
i fucking hate you sometimes. i don't know why im still holding onto a friendship that burned hot and then burned out so quickly. maybe i don't want to accept the fact that i was just a tool in your life, a means to an end that was ultimately inconsequential to you. yeah you still occasionally compliment me, but i don't care how "beautiful" or "remarkable" you say i am, i know you are just.blowing smoke.
maybe if instead of bailing on all the plans we make, scheduling me for 2 weeks in advance to hang out and then "forgetting" even though i reminded you the day before, maybe if you actually once asked ME how I am doing rather than just talk about your life and problems.
i am happy you took a step to make yourself happy and are now living the life you always wanted. i wish you would just let me know because i know you don't even like me. you only love me conditionally when it can get you something you want.
you even told me you loved me once, and that you would be with me. and that was a lie to put a collar on my hearts it still hurts. it cut me like a dog forgotten tied to a tree.
it just fucking kills me. i miss you, and yet i hate you.
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 29 September :: 11.12pm
i understand your sadness so i guess i should hold my tongue
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 25 September :: 8.18pm
juanjolio got a bearded dragon and named him hobbs
he's light tan and when he wants out of his enclosure he goes super pale and makes his throat black and tries to get out
he didn't like me at first but i think now he likes me a lot
he found hobbs on craigslist for free some little punks couldn't give him the time, he came with a bum eye but it's getting better
he's so mad right now, too. he's a grumpy guy sometimes.
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 23 September :: 8.15am
nothing feels good
nothing is fun
my job sucks away all my joy
all my time
all my ambition
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 22 September :: 12.29pm
someone hurry up and murder me
suicide is too scary
and i want off this fucking ride
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 21 September :: 5.50pm
i swear to christ if you fucking tell me "let's not make this a thing" im going to fucking scream
1. i will make a "thing" out of whatever i feel is important enough to make a "thing" of.
2. me offering to be nice is not me making a "thing" out of the situation
3. fuck off
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 11 September :: 11.36pm
best things about being an adult:
1. pets
2. hotels
3. driving your own car
2 loves |
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 30 August :: 2.02pm
it feels like i can't ever do anything right
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 29 August :: 10.27pm
in all honesty i probably am too hard on myself. i'm not even 30 yet, halfway to making 6 figure salary. i get 150 hours off a year and in 3 years it goes up to 180. im doing better than the average person my age i think?
so i don't have a house. so i don't have a kid. there's no rush to make those decisions even now. like everyone else i do have a lot of debt, like a revolving door. and yes credit cards get me in a little trouble but not like before.
i need to stop bullying myself over not being good enough compared to other people. i am good enough because my heart is large and i love and am loved. i an generous and i try to be there for my friends, even if there's static going on. i am not perfect and i do become self centered at times, but that is part of loving yourself.
itll be okay. the future is yet to be seen. hopefully the craziness that is our world right now settles and i can stop feeling completely out of control and pessimistic. i hate what america is doing right now, caving in on itself. it's terrifying what might come, but then again, what generation HASN'T felt that way?
so much stress.
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 29 August :: 7.08pm
after 5 years of persistent hard work and dedication
i have finally achieved a goal i never thought possible
I JUST BLEW MY FIRST INTENTIONAL PERFECT SMOKE RING!!!!
omg omg omg
is like to thank marihuana cigarettes for making this all finally come true
through the sweet ganja goddess
all things are possible
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 26 August :: 9.04pm
feeling left behind or left out
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 23 August :: 5.21pm
starving myself hurts WAY less than feeding myself.
anorexia here i come!
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 21 August :: 5.52pm
when you have IBS is it like an every day kinda thing? or does it come and go like crohn's?
because idk if i can live every day feeling like this.
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 19 August :: 8.48am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped
but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.
the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart
knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again
i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla
a waste to time of space of paint
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 19 August :: 1.11am
SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 17 August :: 5.39pm
looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 17 August :: 2.09pm
i just want to know if i got the job
so i can tell this place fuck you very much
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 9 August :: 2.11pm
ugh
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 4 August :: 8.07pm
dabs drinks and r&b from the 2000s with friends
dreams really do come true
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 4 August :: 4.47pm
life is too short
to voluntarily enslave yourself
to misery
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 3 August :: 10.53am
today started really rough
had a mental breakdown right before my interview
hurt my back sitting on that orange couch last night
late payments and shitty IVR and customer service representatives
Now everything is squared away, i wish my belly would settle down
i really hope i get this. i need out. i'm breaking up with you, work, and it hurts me more than it'll ever hurt you.
why do you have to keep breaking my heart?
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 2 August :: 11.46pm
why do the hide men's faces in porn?
1 love |
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 28 July :: 9.07pm
i know im not alone in the way i feel
but how many other people feel this way
how do they cope
just one foot in front of the other?
it feels that simple but is it really?
i am losing my mind but i'm terrified to make a change
i settled into quicksand and i don't know if i can claw my way out
when i started at liberty it was a shining beacon of hope. i finally made it. i finally am going to make enough money to pay my bills and see the doctors i need. 7 years later and all i see is a dark moldy ship crawling it's way along a roiling black sea cannon shells marring the hull and we are all furiously bailing the toxic water out. i cry at work.i try to be a cheerleader because everyone is so buried in misery. and we just keep bailing while our muscles tear from the ligaments and the ligaments from the bone. and they tell us to smile "it could be worse". but hell is different for different people. and i can see it in everyone's eyes the trapped feeling they have. this suffocating doe eye expression claustrobia overtaking them the paper walls are tumbling on us and we and getting lacerated in the avalanche
how do we all keep going? how has no one snapped yet?
it's just too much.
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 28 July :: 4.15pm
my soul
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 28 July :: 4.02pm
the mountains of pain
with roots wrapped deep
tendrils in my heart
squeeze out the joy wasted on the ground
face the fears and follies
all alone
tears stream
and i hold my own bucket
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 27 July :: 12.55pm
liberty ain't cheap and freedom ain't free
im a millennial, blame it all on me
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 24 July :: 3.41pm
didn't get the supervisor position i applied for.
not surprised not really disappointed just kinda meh
im ready for a new chapter im ready for a change but i'm just stuck stagnating
maybe a few more years and it'll be my time
<3
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godessalthena
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2017 23 July :: 1.00am
i just want to give myself to love completely
but there's something holding me back
as of yet a nameless creature stalking me silently from the shadows
went to a beautiful wedding today one where i felt the desire to share my heart in front of those i fear the judgement of the most
i want to bear my heart to someone
but fear leaves me standing in shade waiting for the beast to take me
<3
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