lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2015 20 October :: 3.02pm

I've been busy lately. I started working at McDonald's in August. I'm still working there right now, but I feel it's a very tiring job and low salary. I can't expect too much though because I'm not an expert who deserves to earn a high pay. Sometimes I feel discouraged.

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Piercings. I talked about getting a piercing in here before. The first time I got my ears pierced was in high school. I think I was 16 years old. It was ages ago, but I'm still obsessed with it. I would like 2 more piercings on my ears though. I'll think again later.

:: 2015 19 October :: 9.49pm

I am color blind
coffee black and egg white

:: 2015 16 October :: 6.49am

Digging my way out of debt feels good. So does having money in my savings account.

Now if only I could fucking sleep.

:: 2015 15 October :: 11.51pm

being in any type of committed relationship scares the absolute shit out of me

but I want to feel loved and wanted with every fiber of my being

I don't know if I can over come these feelings

I feel so powerless

:: 2015 13 October :: 12.42pm

I'm well acquainted with villains who live in my head
they beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

:: 2015 11 October :: 12.59pm

and they say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,
With your face all made up, living on a screen,
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline.

I think there's a flaw in my code...
these voices won't leave me alone....

:: 2015 4 October :: 1.20pm
:: Mood: malaise

mental illness is constantly evolving and adapting to circumvent the measures one takes to conquer it.

instead of feeling eternal pain and misery, I feel hollow, aimless, restless. I feel bored, impatient, confused.

I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't know what to do. I have completed a major chapter in life, looking bewildered into the future, feeling utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

I keep waiting to get sick. I feel like I've had the "day before the flu" feeling for two or more weeks, but nothing ever gets worse. I'm just waiting for something to fall.

it's dark in here by myself

:: 2015 22 September :: 5.34pm

was he even real?

:: 2015 21 September :: 8.41pm

"but you're special"

I am a unique snowflake

in the middle of a blizzard in Antarctica

but what happens after global warming

we will all melt away

:: 2015 15 September :: 11.55am

how can you keep trusting when all you ever do is get hurt

how can you keep believing when love is so obviously dead

how can you keep breathing knowing that love and trust don't exist

how does the world keep spinning when nothing matters?

grasping for any straw you can see, hoping you'll find the one that doesn't break off

and ultimately realizing that straws will always break, and there's nothing to save you

falling into the dark abyss but knowing the only difference is the blindfold of innocence has been removed

it's too dark to see the others who are falling too so you lean back and wait for the bottom to raise to great you

if the heartbreak of slipping doesn't kill you, the impact at the end will finish the job

:: 2015 14 September :: 11.45am

completing projects feels really good.

finally finished the baby blanket I've been working non. it looks so good, the biggest project I've done!

tie dyed the sheets I've been sitting on. was waiting for company but just decided "fuck it" and did it. they turned out really fantastic.

:: 2015 10 September :: 6.14am

this week has been really rough.

treasured friend has malignant brain tumor
Dali died
horrible slander about me thru the grapevine
a dead bird at work

it was nice sleeping all last weekend, forgetting about how fucked up things are, how shitty and petty people are, how shitty I've been.

I am swallowed up by the current. my head is a meter under water.

if I could just be held, and told it was alright, maybe I could breathe for just one moment.

:: 2015 9 September :: 9.13pm

happiness is fakin' it til you make it.

maybe you'll never make it, but at least people will remember you as happy when you're rotting in the cold wet earth.

:: 2015 8 September :: 12.09pm

you can't kill what's already dead, so leave my soul alone.

:: 2015 7 September :: 1.35pm

most days I wake up and I wonder... what the fuck am I still doing here?

and I still don't know.

:: 2015 4 September :: 6.44am

I just don't want to feel invisible anymore.

:: 2015 3 September :: 7.41am

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

:: 2015 1 September :: 8.35pm

I am not sure who I want to be right now.

:: 2015 29 August :: 3.27pm

I cleaned the shit out of that apartment. I better get my deposit back. that place was a dump when I moved in!

but damn I sure am going to miss it. it was my little slice of heaven. I'm eager for my home. I'm going to make a list of things I really want it to have.. like a good view.

I am so exhausted but pretty content. seeing the doctor Thursday to see about my insomnia. I'm dying. and I have been having it since I started cymbalta.. say 5 years ago? I just need to sleep.

it rained today. it filled me with delight. everything is so thirsty.

:: 2015 26 August :: 11.47am
:: Mood: ecstatic

the man from the shopping spree finally responded to my missed connection!!! and the adventure begins!

:: 2015 20 August :: 7.58am

I hope my baby dog will be ok :(

:: 2015 19 August :: 12.28pm

I just want to touch someone again.

I want to explore and admire a body.

I want to be held and kissed tenderly.

I want to give someone a massage.

I want to feel human again.

:: 2015 15 August :: 8.51am

fuck you, Sus. I finally got to say what I wanted. I finally stood up for myself and drove that dagger as deep as it would go into your crocodilian hyde.

sistas are doin it for themselves.

:: 2015 14 August :: 7.08am

shal·low
ˈSHalō/
adjective
1.
of little depth.

i.e. when the only reason you stay with someone is because they are pretty.

:: 2015 11 August :: 3.35pm

all time low
I want to be exanimate.

there really isn't a point to any of this.

I'm tired of pain and rejection. of not fitting in. of all the barriers I create to ensure these are the ends I come to.

I miss my grandpa.

:: 2015 11 August :: 10.47am

everyone is falling in love.

I feel left out.

:: 2015 8 August :: 1.03pm

it's such a beautiful day out. I've gotten a few things accomplished.

and as the dye soaks into my damaged hair I wonder if once it's done I'll feel it's childish and feel ashamed.

I hate getting older. this world is so oppressive.

will I let the rebel in me die?

:: 2015 6 August :: 7.52pm

sometimes, it feel better to just give in.

I want to let the dark consume me. I want to cry.

I want to feel my soul crush under the weight of desolate isolation.

it was so comforting. I miss that.

:: 2015 5 August :: 10.14am

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run away

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

:: 2015 4 August :: 9.53am

I love collecting secrets. it's one of those little joys in life.

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