Plans for the future
My plans that may or may not happen is moving to go work at Pattaya, which is about 1 hour 22 minutes drive from Rayong. I applied for jobs online, but just waiting for an answer from any one of the hotels to call me. If they don't call me, I might have to apply in person next month or end of this month. My family are okay with me staying home and not doing anything for a long time, but I think it's a waste of time and I don't want to waste my life sitting around doing nothing for another year. I don't know if I will succeed at my next job, but I keep on trying until I find that one place that I could stay. If I stay home, I won't meet new people or make new friends and I definitely will not move forward in life or career.
totally an adult now. just bought my first newer vehicle!
and I love it!!
she is small, black and quiet, just like my soul... bahahaha /emo
today has been excellent. I am going to just drive everywhere. I'm so stoked gonna drive around with my guitar and some paper and a pen and just get inspired, man.
like a fuckin Subaru commercial, only its a Chevy.
Happy Valentine's Day. I've been staying home everyday now. I resigned from that last job at Novotel when I knew I wouldn't pass the probation. It was a boring job. I couldn't really stand it. The shirt they let me wear was tight and uncomfortable and I had to wear that everyday before. I had to stand 8 hours everyday for 6 days a week. It was exhausting. There were barely any guests either. The general manager and executive assistant manager was really rude to me also. Mostly, I had a bad experience so I was glad to be out of that place. I have seen so many nice hotel somewhere else, so this one really feels dated and old.
last night was a good night. tonight will be good too. monday was good too!
Monday was also the anniversary of the passing of my grandpa. it's been 13 years since then, and I miss him every day.
also, I haven't heard from andrew in a month and a half. I even tried adding money to his phone. I'm gonna try to write to him again, but last time the letter never made it..
in love with my new laptop. definitely worth the money I paid. Only downside is that the CD to install MS Works was shipped separately and not as fast so I can't do my stupid assignment. go figure.
but otherwise, it is so fast, and awesome. (i hate windows 8)
Having my family over for dinner tonight! very nervous. very.
I dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind and pretend I am weightless, and in this moment I am happy.
1. invest in yourself. love yourself like you'd love your one true love. if you wouldn't do it to them, don't do it to yourself.
2. invest time in those who invest time into you. there are a lot of people vying for your attention, and not all of them will give you the respect you deserve. be a little choosy with your love, because the people you choose to love act like a mirror for how you love yourself.
I've learned so much since I started therapy. and not only learned, but held accountable for implementing and following through on these changes.
I also have become more and more convinced that karma is real. you get out of life what you put in, so I've been trying to avoid doing thing I wouldn't want to happen to me. and fighting for truth, love and justice.
like j says, there are going to be good days and there are going to be terrible days. it's impodtnat to remember that pain is temporary, and letting things go feels so much better than holding on when it comes to things like hatred, pain, jealousy, worthlessness, hopelessness, or revenge.
growing up hasn't really been fun, but with the tools I've aquired, and the skills I'm strengthening, I know my future will be much more fun than it was to get to this point.
a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day turned into......
the best mental health day taken in a long time <3
much needed pb&j time completely recovered me. and helped me realize that it's okay to have bad days, as long as you give them the opportunity to get better.
I am eternally grateful to have an amazing support system. and I'm so glad Alexz and I were able to become so close! I would never have imagined!
and yet no one seems to be able to say it when I really need it.
I just want to feel like I'm not an insignificant speck of shit on a cold planet hurtling through a vast empty cosmos.
but that's all I am. and that's all I'll ever be, and it hurts.
there is no such thing as love, or happiness, or futures, or magic, or faeries. there's just a supermassive black hole slowly eating anything and everything that it touches. I can see it as it pulls me in, and I am completely powerless to stop it.
"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
this week fucking sucked. outside of the awesome gift I got! I'm just really fucking bummed out and sad and feeling like a disgusting failure. a total joke.
I was going to do an actual update.. but then I played with bitchelle until my fingers hurt and I feel a lil better.. so I'll save the update for later