The last dream

The last dream

:: 2012 18 August :: 2.06pm

I really don't understand you..

I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(

2 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 15 August :: 1.58pm

It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.

I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.

I hate this culture sometimes.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

1 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 2 August :: 10.58pm

It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...

I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.

She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.

I want so badly to help her. :(

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 30 July :: 12.11am

I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 29 July :: 2.32am

It's amazing what 60mg of a chemical can do.

Though I'm pretty pissed off about how my insurance is billing Rx's now. It's fucking bullshit.

Oh well. It's not that horrible. At least I'm not having those stupid seizures anymore.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 27 July :: 7.36pm

today started decently enough.. and it had so much promise.

now if i wasn't such a FUCKING CUNT and i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID maybe today wouldn't have turned out to be such a shitstorm.

and now i'm having tho stupid seizures, my hip hurts like a motherfucker, i've cancelled all my plans and i don't have enough alcohol to erase today from my memory.

honestly i know why all this happened. and i know it's all just chemicals being fucktarded in my brain. but it doesn't make everything easier to deal with.

its easy to feel sorry for myself.
and "it's not my fault" all this.

but if my brain was fuctioning normally we all wouldn't be here in this shitty mood, crying.

i wish i could just disappear.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 26 July :: 4.53pm

Well, it's official. My life is complete! I have an amazing epic jewfro.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 24 July :: 4.40am

Things I love:
Bjorne
High-proof liquor
Metalocalypse

Now to get messed up and enjoy the cold side of the bed.

1 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 22 July :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: optimistic

Pretty epic weekend is in the mix..

Wednesday hanging out with Peter, being silly partying like rockstars haha
Thursday hanging out with my baby sister, getting a dresser and picking up my bike, the going to PJ's to meet up with a friend and get some free drinks.. Maybe Samie will even come! I'm pretty stoked.
Friday is payday! Getting breakfast, going shopping and getting pedicures with Samie, then date night with Sus!

Hopefully plans all turn out. :) yay!

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 22 July :: 12.58am

Today has been one of the worst days in recent memory. From before I went to bed up until this very moment.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 21 July :: 8.48pm
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday

Sometimes it just feels better to give in...
I'm just asking you to hear me
Could you please just once just hear me?

Still it's you I can't deny..

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 17 July :: 5.59pm

Home sick from work.. I'm tired and blecky. :/ it's too warm. Whine whine whine

Tomorrow having a biometric screening for work. Its free and I'll be able to find out all my stats. I'm excited and nervous.

I'm glad you reached out. Though, I have no idea where to go.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 14 July :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: crushed

And everything was going so well...
Over the past week or so I have been feeling so ridiculously depressed. Even with 60mg of Cymbalta I still have a hard time getting up in the morning, cooking, or even just being nice. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry until I'm dead. It's frustrating because I had been so happy and doing so well not letting things get under my skin. I have no idea what's happened.

I feel very alone and hopeless right now. And I know I have friends and family who would love to help me and be there for me.. But I don't know what to ask for since I have no idea what is wrong in the first place.. I just want to feel like everything really will work out fine..

The way I feel is very familiar. This is the same feeling I had constantly throughout my childhood and teenage years.. I have felt like the end is the only real peace I'll get and once again all I can think about is just calling it quits and giving up.

I'm just so tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of being a bitch and being used. I'm just so tired of everything.

Hopefully things turn around soon.. I need to see my psychiatrist again.

4 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 11 July :: 8.59pm

New hair!

1 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 4 July :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: distressed

I dreamt my mom died last night. It was an unexpected death. And it hit me really hard. I was crying for the whole dream. I've never really been upset about death before, but that dream really made me try to wrap my head around it. I was completely devastated, and I was pretty disturbed for a good portion of my morning too.. It was horrible :(

Now I'm terrified she's going to die and I don't want that to happen :(

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 1 July :: 11.35am

I'm really disappointed.. And I just need to get over it.

I have a paper clip standing in as a nose stud.. It's starting to get itchy. I can't wait to go home and change it.

Is it later yet?

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2012 1 July :: 2.31am
:: Mood: demolished
:: Music: Army corps of architects

Alone.. In a dark stuffy room. My hair is wet, my face is dry.. I can tell my lips will peel.

I'm staring out into the room, vaguely seeing the shapes of curtains and a crib. Everything smells weird in here. I'm not the least bit tired, but I want so desparately to sleep.

I keep counting how many days.. Until I'll finally be free and happy. I feel so trapped and lost. I feel so confused, though the path is clear.

I'm just biding my time until growing up becomes second nature. It's a scary place, and I don't think there are too many people who really successfully make it.

I'm just so ready to dream. Anything is a nice break from all this stress. I put on an apethetic face, but inside I'm a tempest and I'm in constant turmoil and anger.

I just wish things could go blank for a little while. A quiet reprieve.

bloom