Yesterday I visited my family. I got there around 4 and I stayed until midnight. It was nice to see my mom and dad and hang out with them for a little bit. It was wonderful to stay up late and talk to my sister.

I had forgotten to take my antidepressant so I was having a hard time dealing with everything that's been going on behind the scenes. Up until a week ago I had been managing to just ignore everything and live like I wasn't getting tired. But last night I broke and I let it all out. All my fears and frustrations. Everything was just out on the table. Secrets, mysteries.. Everything I've always wanted to tell her but couldn't. It was so.. Healing.. Feeling like we're both adults and we can depend on each other.

She's grown up into such a beautiful young woman. She's still so innocent and adorable. We're barely two years apart and she's just.. So completely different than me. And I love it. She's been working so hard to be a stronger person.. I feel like in comparison I've just been hiding from my problems and avoiding truths. She's a huge inspiration to me.

It was nice to finally feel like maybe I'm getting my family back for real. My sister has such a strong relationship with my parents, and to be honest I am jealous, but more so I'm happy for them :) I just wish we hadn't had all those miscommunications in the past. I know we've been working on repairing the bonds, but it's a long road and I'm not sure if they'll ever completely understand me. But we still have time and there's always hope.

And while we were talking I get the sweetest text from Torie telling me that I'm beautiful. And that her and Samie were thinking about me. And then I remember all those little things Samie does to make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like her. And I'm so happy that she fell into my life. And that she wants to stay in my life.

And then I think about all the other people who love me in my life. Sus, Sus's mom Corky, Laura, Emily, Peter.. People I work with.. Just so many people who think I'm amazing and are happy to know me.. And it makes me feel more loved than I ever have felt in my entire life. And I realize that no matter how alone I feel, there will always be people who love me and will help me if I just reach out to them.

And I have come to the realization that it isn't luck that brought me these people. It's me. I'm a good person who is worthy of love and that all I have to do is be myself. People love the person I am and they love me whether I'm laughing or crying, fat or thin, with or without make up. It's because I show them I love them and they show it back.

I'm just.. It's a nice place to be right now. In the middle of this network of people who want me to be happy. It's finally happened. And I could t be happier.

bloom