godessalthena
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2012 21 April :: 12.59pm
Bjorne can now sit, lay down, jump AND roll over :3 he's so adorable!!
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godessalthena
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2012 18 April :: 3.01am
Die die die.
I just want to fade away.
I miss having that option to escape.
I hate seeing anorexic women and wishing I could be that. They are so disgusting.
I wish I felt like the one worth keeping.
I'm so done with this horrible farce of living.
"I will change" and then I go half-ass it. Just like everything else in my life.
I have all this potential and I just throw it all away every fucking chance I get.
I fucking suck.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2012 12 April :: 1.54pm
Happy Birthday to me :)
Today I turn 24. It's been a rough road, but I made it another year.
I feel like a completely different person from last year. In both good and bad ways. I'm still lost and confused. I feel like now more than ever. I finally qualify for financial aid so I can go back to school. I have some really amazing friends. I still have no clue what to do with my life.
I'm still with Sus and I'm still so happy that we found each other. He deals with all my mood swings and tries to keep me positive. I know we've both been struggling with our own happiness, but it's been a lot easier having him around.
I don't know.. I have a great job, my relationship with my family has gotten so much better, I have a few really amazing friends and a wonderful puppy to come home to and cuddle with. I'm becoming very skilled at making amigurumi. Things are pretty good.
I just hope the future keeps getting brighter.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2012 29 March :: 8.55pm
I have to write in this again. I'm just going crazy without an outlet.
My birthday is in a couple weeks.. I didn't make a new year's resolution this January, but I feel like I should for my birthday. I'm still very young and I'm too fucking fat to really enjoy my life the way I want to. I'm resolving that by my birthday next year I'll have made a significant improvement to my weight and health. I'm not going to put any numbers out there because this isn't about numbers, it's about how I feel inside and out.
I think the first step is to go back to Dr. Emch and get my Cymbalta re-prescribed. The weight gain I had was from the Abilify I was taking, the Cymbalta was just an analgesic and mood satbilizer, which is what I think I need. I'm no where near as depressed as I was, but I'm at the point where I don't care if I live or die, accomplish anything, make others happy or excel at my job. I just need help feeling like I matter. Sometimes I think seeing a counselor might be beneficial now.. I've been doing a really good job healing the familial issues and now that roadblock is out of the way I can focus on something else.. Me.
I feel like I keep making these resolutions, I start out strong but quickly lose steam and cave in to my food addiction. I need help, but I have no idea where to start..
When did life become so ridiculous?
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godessalthena
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2012 10 February :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: cold
I think it's time to say good bye. It's time to put away this childish memory and stop recordig meaningless information. No one gives a shit anymore. I have no one on here I care about anymore. This used to be a place where I kept up with those I love.. Then Facebook happened and nothing of value is ever put there. Which is why I deleted it.
So it's been a fun run woohu. And maybe someday I'll come back.. But until then I'm leaving. I'll miss you.
1 tulips |
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godessalthena
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2012 9 February :: 4.37am
"This planet wasn't made for me...
All of you live so easy.
I lay outside and up I stare...
My home is in the void up there."
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godessalthena
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2012 6 February :: 1.45pm
Starting a workout routine with my cubie.. Feeling discouraged and it's only day one :(
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godessalthena
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2012 27 January :: 1.30pm
Car has been recovered! No damage, just a dead battery! Taking it into the dealership to see if we can disable the auto-roll down feature. They found it in Post Falls, ID :)
I'm glad it's ok!
bloom
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godessalthena
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2012 26 January :: 10.12pm
Car was stolen sometime between 3am and 9:30pm. Fucking peachy right?
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godessalthena
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2012 25 January :: 1.49pm
:: Music: MCR
What's the worst that I can say..?
I'm trying my damnedest not to fall for her, but she makes it so fucking hard. She's always so positive and happy. She can always see the bright side. She cares about her appearance, but she isn't vain. She accepts everyone, she tries hard to fund the good in people. She makes me laugh.. I've seen her cry.. She is so short and adorable. And she has amazing cleavage.
Yes, there are a few things about her that, if she wasn't her, would bug the shit out of me, but she is who she is and I can forget those faults. It's a slippery slope in this territory.
I just feel so attracted to her vitality, intelligence and high expectations of herself... Honestly if she wasn't with someone I'd be all over that in a heartbeat.
But I'll just settle for where we're at. I don't want to risk what I already have.
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godessalthena
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2012 20 January :: 12.29am
Throughout my whole life there has only been one constant emotion - sadness. No matter what I do.. Drugs, alcohol, prescription anti-depressants.. I still feel this sadness. This hollow, all-consuming feeling of being hopelessly sad. The future is dark, the present is dark, the past is dark. I try to hard to find the light within myself, but its only pitch black.
I can't count how many times I've felt like I had found someone who could help me through, to find out that they are just as damaged as me and have their own darkness to deal with. Or they had no idea what my life was like, having never experienced abuse. At every turn I've been reminded how singular my existence is, how painfully alone we all are.
I'm tired of trying to repair the damage in my heart. I'm tired of fighting with everyone. I'm tired of being alone and afraid when I tear down the walls I put up for protection.
Deep down we are all scared little boys or girls waiting to be saved. And the cold reality is is that we will never be saved, we will never be complete, we will never feel enough love to feel happy. We will all go from day to day pretending everything is peachy keen and no one has ever hurt us. We will still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and think that Disney does more good than harm.
Every Hallmark card is the absolute truth. And no one has ever felt the harsh chill of sadness.
Happy fucking new year, and may the force be with you. Live long and prosper.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2012 20 January :: 12.24am
:: Mood: Nihilistic
And the truth is.. I am worthless. Utterly and hopelessly worthless.
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godessalthena
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2012 17 January :: 2.36am
I need to start feeling like I'm worth it.
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godessalthena
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2012 16 January :: 2.02pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Huge explosion this morning, main transformer blew and power went out. Interruptedmy sleep schedule and I'm dying right now.. So tired and my back feels so stiff and crunchy.
Tomorrow is my Friday! And I think I'm having a birthday party for Bjorne on actual Friday.. Which right now I'm not feeling ready for.
Blah. No work plz k thx
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godessalthena
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2012 13 January :: 4.51pm
I am getting so frustrated and sad. Everytime I meet someone new and I think we'd make good friends, they start asking for sex or dropping major hints about it. When I say I'm not interested they just cut communication. I mean, it's nice being an object of desire for so many people, but all I want are some fucking friends.
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godessalthena
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2012 13 January :: 1.07am
Got my paycheck and... It was way more than I was expecting!!! I'm really happy!
Tho I also got my electric bill and it too was way more than I was expecting :/
Tomorrow will be a productive day, tho I feel like crap. I think I have food poisoning :/
I'm so bored right now.
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godessalthena
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2012 6 January :: 1.27am
My newest amigurumi. No pattern. I'm pretty proud :D
1 tulips |
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godessalthena
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2012 5 January :: 1.51pm
Seeing the doctor today. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be fucking ridiculous. I really hate doctors.
I'm in a decently bad mood today. Not sure why, most likely a conglomeration of things from this past week. I'm feeling like a failure before even starting.
And my homesickness has been particularly strong these last few days. I saw seagulls flying against a stormy sky and all I could think of was home.
I just want to fly away.
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godessalthena
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2011 30 December :: 2.09pm
grr..
So I have decided to do something about my long-term pain (arthritis, slipped disks) so I can start exercising and get this weight off, thus alleviating my pain. Great idea, right?
Well it's been a fucking ordeal. I was looking up "pain management" on the BCBS website, and all I get are mental health proffesionals. O..K..? So I call my insurance provider, after punching in a million numbers and getting my ear talked off by a machine, I finally talk to someone who's like, "just try Rheumetology". Durr. So I look up that, and after being told I need referals (which BCMA doesn't require) and getting multiple anwsering machines, I finally break down and call Dr. Schuester. I just want to say that my one appointment with him made me extremely wary about seeing him again. Like 10 mins into the appointment his cellphone went off and he never came back and his intern finished the appointment. Awesome, right? So I call them and I have to leave a message. Pretty sure I wont' get a call back until Monday. And even though I said don't call before 11am or after 2pm I'm positive I'll get a call at 8am or 4pm, when I can't pick up or am asleep and we'll just keep playing fucking phone tag.
I hate doctors. SO MUCH.
I just want to get some Celebrex, and figure out what the fuck happened to my knee. That's it. Is that really just too much to ask for? Honestly? You're getting paid through the nose, why wouldn't you make yourself more available to people? More patients means more money, right? Self-righteous d-bags.
alkdsjfla;ksjdflkajsdfl so angry.
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godessalthena
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2011 27 December :: 1.53am
EEEE!!!
Sus come home tomorrow!! I'm so excited! I'm making sure the house is nice and clean, that he has everything he needs to relax, and his puppy is well rested for playing! And if all goes well I'll get the 2nd half of Tuesday off to spend with him! And then the whole weekend! And then Winter Wobbleland! And and and! I'm just so happy he'll be home.
I had a great day with my family, opened gifts, ate delicious food, watched tv and out together part of a puzzle! Then it snowed lots on the way home! And bjorne was such a pill at my parents house, but SO well behaved on the car ride home!
Now I'm just waiting on the dryer to finish the blankets so I can curl up in bed and rest my wary back.
Ahh!! SO EXCITED!!
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