The last dream

The last dream

:: 2011 24 December :: 4.06pm

In a horrid mood today. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be home alone. It was snowing, but turned to rain so the drive home? Icy as fuck.

I'm just ready for it to be the 27th. Or the 31st, but I am so over this holiday season. I'm lucky so far that no one wished me a "merry christmas" yet. Blah.

On the bright side I finished my presents for my family. Hopefully they like them.. Sometimes I feel like what I make is just like.. "meh" to them, even tho I put a lot of time into it.

Sigh

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 22 December :: 6.29pm

I'm so angry. And lonely. I just want it to be next week.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 21 December :: 1.52pm

It's pretty lonely here :/

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 8 December :: 3.09pm

Bjorne seems to be all better, vet said he looks fine, they are doing some tests to check for parasites. He's vaccinated! And yeah.. Crisis averted! :)

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 6 December :: 2.14pm

Bjorne is sick :( I haven't seen him eat or drink for at least a day and he threw up bile 3 times this morning.. Going to the vet on Thursday. I hope he's ok. :(

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 3 December :: 2.34pm

Girls don't like boys
I haven't spent any real intimate time with a woman since me and Liv broke up. I miss being around girls a whole bunch and I find it next to impossible to meet anyone or find someone who I make a connection with. I don't know what it is, but it's hella annoying.

I'm trying to find a cocktiel pattern to make for my sister. I found a really good one, but I'm not sure if I want to buy it. It's not very expensive, I'm just trying to figure out if I'll use it again. Tho, it could be easily adapted to turn into other birds.. So maybe I will!

Bjorne is so cute :3 he just makes my life with his cuteness! I love him to pieces <3

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 28 November :: 2.53am

I've started crocheting amigurumi things. It makes me so happy and I feel so accomplished when I finish a piece and it doesnt look like amature night :)

Samie is a new girl at work. She's so happy and bubbly and positive. It helps me feel better about the stupid crap. I know we aren't technically friends, and probably never will be, but it's nice to have an upbeat influence in my life.

Really not looking forward to Xmas. Sus will be gone and all my friends live too far away.. It'll mostly be me n Bjorne and that makes me sad. I'll miss Sus :(

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.52pm

Really? Sometimes all I can do is shake my head.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 17 November :: 8.50pm

Fuck me red

2 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 15 November :: 2.26am

After a horrible start, my day turned out pretty good! I cried on the way to work and by the time I left I was laughing and feeling optimistic.

I'm going to work on doing things for me. Like doing my hair and make up. The little things that make me feel better when I take the time to do it. :)

I can do this

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 13 November :: 11.04pm

Going home early from work because I just can't sit here anymore.

The more I look at other people the more inadequate I feel.
I'm ashamed to be me. I'm so boring. Uneventful. Plain.

Feel like icky plain yogurt with no sprinkles or anything.

I feel ugly and obese.

TSUMARANAI.

I'm just so disappointed and disillusioned.
I'm tired and depressed.

All these people at work. They love purses, make up, babies, getting their nails done, etc. And I'm such an outcast. I feel so pressured to be something I'm not. It's a mindfuck. Everyone thinks I should have a baby. Or get a new boyfriend who will want a baby. Or get married. And I don't want any of those things.

I'm so exhausted by all of it.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 6 November :: 1.17pm

I'm so fucking sick of all these fake assholes that call themselves my "friends"

All they do is ignore me when I need help and the nit pick everything just to piss me off.

I'm tired of always being there for people who can't even give me the time of day.
I'm sick of missing people who don't miss me.
I'm done with trying to make new "friends".

I really just wish I could destroy shit right now. Just tear something to pieces and watch it burn.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 5 November :: 2.25pm

I have lost 6 pounds. I haven't been consciously trying to lose weight. Though I really need to get the weight off.

I'm so happy and proud of myself! It's a small step, but it's a step none the less. And the fact that I haven't been trying makes it more sustainable than hardcore dieting. :)

Things are really looking up! Sus starts his testing, I have a nice car for winter, I have a wonderful puppy, I've greatly reduced my drinking.. :)

Go me!

1 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 2 November :: 6.50pm

I want to visit Alaska :(

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 29 October :: 1.14pm

Low low low
Im feeling very discouraged today. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Things never go as planned.

I went to a house party last night. I only knew the host and her boyfriend. Needless to say I was a complete outcast. It reminded me a lot of work. I go, smile and nod at the people talking and then go home to watch star trek. I enjoyed being around others, but I never have anything interesting to say, no stories to tell.. I felt like a total loser. Also, being the biggest girl there and the only one without a costume also put me in my own circle. Basically I was the fat kid at school that everyone ignores because being fat somehow equates to being mentally handicapped or diseased.

I just want to feel like part of the group. I used to take a lot of pride in being different.. But that's when I had friends who were different too. Now I just have acquaintances who put up with me because they get something they want out of me being around - showing off their "bisexuality" to attract men, ego boosts, free booze or other party favors. I'm tired of just being needed for what I can get other people, not for being an enjoyable part of someone's existence.

Also I found out that thanks to hurricane Irene we probably won't be getting bonuses this year. And prolly minor raises if any. Yay.

I have no idea what I have to look forward to anymore.

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 25 October :: 8.50pm

Starting to look at rental houses :3 oh the excitement :3

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 21 October :: 3.39pm

Movie mania this weekend :) 50/50 with Peter and The Thing with Sus! Sooo excited :3

I need a haircut.. What I really want is to get extensions! I am so impatient in growing it out.. My hair grows SO slowly..

Finished making my skittles vodka last night. They aren't as delicious as I had hoped for but they were a fun adventure! I think I'll be experimenting with infusions in the future :3

I absolutely LOVE my new car! It's a V6 so I can actually get up hills and catch up to highway speeds in a reasonable amount of time. It's silly, but I feel like I'm driving a charger or something. Haha

Things are looking very up right now. Sus tells me I have nothing to complain about anymore haha. I've got my puppy, an awesome car, my bills paid.. Things are actually not so bad :)

Now to just get Sus into school and we'll be golden!

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 19 October :: 6.22pm

New car.. New winter coat.. Better relationship with my family.. Today is a good day :D

bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 17 October :: 11.44pm

It's days like today I wonder why the fuck I even bother.

1 tulips | bloom

godessalthena

:: 2011 8 October :: 5.01pm

In retrospect.. I'm not really sure who was getting shafted in that relationship.

And honestly it isn't important I guess... But I don't understand why it hurts more now than it did then.

I feel so worthless compared to all the people who've left my life. I know I shouldn't base my self-worth on the success of others.. But for once I'm starting to believe that I'm really not better than anyone else.

I know I am marginally successful. And I know that some of my failures aren't necessarily my fault. But I can't help but feel like this is the best I'll ever achieve and it makes me wonder what's the purpose of existing? I'll never be happier than I am right now. I'll never be more successful.

I have an interview with Liberty Mutual in Redmond, WA on Wesnesday. I'm consumed with a desire to get back there. But.. Yesterday I exchanged emails with my dad and spoke to Sus about it.. And now I'm not sure if this is the best choice. On one hand I love Seattle and how much there is to do, the weather.. But on the other hand I don't have any friends there anymore. I don't have school to help me meet people. If something happened between Sus and I, what would I do? Where would I go? I think moving back would help us be happier, thus making our relationship better, but you never know.. Then there's also the logistics of moving. We'd need to find a big enough place for the right price, hire movers, break our current lease or find someone to take the lease over.. I'd need to get my car in running order since it'll be a commute to get to Redmond.. Sus told me he isn't ready to move.. Since school will have less distractions over here..

I'm just all kinds of confused and I just wish I had some answers and guidance. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I have no clue what I'm doing.

bloom