The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2011 6 October :: 2.47pm

How would my life be if something had for once just turned put how I meant it to..?

Would I still hurt? Would I be happy?

I just wish I could know what it felt like to have something go as planned... To succeed.

...

My brother wrote me a letter.. I'm going to read it next Thursday with my parents.. I'm terrified.

:: 2011 5 October :: 8.19pm

34 BMI
240 lbs

I just did 20 mins of rowing with 25lbs of resistance. I had to stop because my hands are cramping. I barely feel like it accomplished anything.

I'm feeling like a complete loser. A fat, worthless, stupid loser. And I'm sure many people will agree with me.

Honestly I feel like I'll always be a fat stupid loser. I'm nothing to be proud of. I quit everything I start before I finish. I'm worthless.

I just wish for once I had the support I needed. The help I needed. The drive I needed. But I won't because I'm what's standing in my way and I have no fucking clue how to get out of it.

:: 2011 2 October :: 8.07pm

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now..? Fuck.

:: 2011 2 October :: 3.02pm

Requested info from WSU's BA of Social Services degree program. My parents suggested I look into it, since I work, can't drive long distances and need a degree. I originally was going to do an AA in Communications from SCC, but I think this will be a better idea. It's a better degree from a better school. Plus I want to go into the HR field and from what I researched, Social Services degree is a lot more geared to HR, while communications is more for VP's and what not.

I really need a degree to get anywhere in this company. I really want to get away from customer service. I am at my wit's end with this fucking people.

This job makes me feel so fucking shitty. I am probably the only one who isn't a new hire who hasn't earned a bravo award. My boss hates me or highly disapproves of me. I'm the only one who isn't married/has children or a college degree. I feel like an outcast here. I feel looked down on. Coming to work makes me feel like I'm the most pathetic waste of life here.

I want out. I want to do something else. I love my benefits. I love my pay. I just want to feel like I'm valued. Which I'm not.

:: 2011 27 September :: 3.09pm

I'm exhausted after having nightmares all night. This stress is getting to be too much for me.

:: 2011 21 September :: 6.05pm

I try. I try hard to be responsible. I always make sure bills are paid, I make sure they are paid on time. I try to balance that with stress relief, food, and paying off debt. But honestly I cannot get ahead. It's like at every turn I'm sent to collections, or a get a stupid moronic fee. I'm not a bad person, I'm not someone who isn't dependable. But these companies don't give a fuck about the individual, they just care about their profit margins. Times are difficult and I'm supporting more than my fair share. Rent's too expensive, but I can't afford to break the lease. I didn't have the support I needed from my family when I was bed ridden, so I accrued massive debt, on top of the debt I got when I made the mistake of moving here under false pretenses.

I am so exhausted. I never get a good night of sleep. I never feel safe and comfortable. I feel like a complete waste, I feel like an irresponsible dumb fuck. I don't know what to do.

Dad told me he's proud of me.. The more I think about it the more I feel like he's just saying it because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling. I know he thinks I've made a series of bad choices.. I know I'm the disappointment in the family. I just want to say honestly I'm trying the best I can and trying to fix all my juvenile mistakes.

World.. I'm sorry. I am a failure, but I'm trying to change that so please be patient.

:: 2011 12 September :: 2.17pm

Half way thru my week already. I love working four tens!

Tho sadness that I don't have money for any vodka this weekend.. :/ but I guess it's not horrible since I don't really have any friend plans this weekend.

I've become enthralled with Star Trek Voyager. I find myself holding my breath and clutching my couch while I watch it. I'm so silly, but honestly after a long day at work it feels good to escape into the future with good people who I feel would accept me for my differences. I wouldn't be the weirdo there. Unlike here.

I am getting very disappointed with all my "friends" in Spokane. They are all too far away, flakey or busy being adults. Or "antisocial" which, I'm pretty sure, is Spokanese for "Amelia is too weird/offense so fuck that shit." Whatever.

Lots of important birthdays coming up! Yay the birth of my favorite people!

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2011 11 September :: 7.05pm

I find it amusing when, at work, when I'm obviously fucking around on my cell phone, people will start talking to me from their desk across the cubicle wall. They'll ask an extremely long winded question and then say my at the end. We havent made eye contact before my name has been said. Once I hear my name I look up and ask them what I can help them with and they respond with a sigh and angry laughter.

Seriously? I obviously wasn't paying attention to you. Why are you mad at me? It's so ridiculous.

:: 2011 10 September :: 2.20pm

It's nice to know that he's proud of me.. Even if I'm not following the quickest path to wealth.. I feel like the struggles I'm going through are a really good learning experience.

Now if only I felt like I was succeeding in my life. I hung out with my sister yesterday.. She's growing up to be a gorgeous young lady and I have to admit I'm very jealous.

I feel so boring.. Fat.. Ugly.. I feel like one of the masses. Unremarkable and forgettable. Replaceable. I have no spark left. I have no passions, drive. I do what needs to be done to continue existence, but I'm no longer really living my life..

Though that raises the question if I was ever really living in the first place.

I just don't know what I should be doing. I see my sister with this group of friends who love her and enjoy hanging out with her.. I have nothing like that. I have Emily.. But we're both too busy to ever see each other.

I wish I could be someone people would want to be around. And honestly I don't see what I'm lacking.. Sigh.

I'm tired..

:: 2011 8 September :: 3.37pm

I can't fucking win.

:: 2011 6 September :: 2.17am

Amelia: n. Failure. n. Waste of time. n. Unending disappointment.

:: 2011 5 September :: 12.56am

I look back on my life and I wish so desperately that I had a period I could look back on fondly and say, "I was happy once" but.. Throughout my whole life I've always managed to get fucked over or do the fucking up myself..

I feel as though I'm destined to have nothing but bad memories. Failed attempts to make something more out of my life than suffering. I want to have just an extended period of time where, even if I wasn't exceptionally happy, at least I wasn't miserable either.

I feel like trying is a futile effort. And I want to give up so badly.. But if this is all there is, miserable is better than nothing.

I'm only human. I'm doing the best I can with what is given to me. Is it really too much to just ask for a hand once in a while?

Apparently it honestly is.

:: 2011 4 September :: 6.13pm

Fuck California. They can all rot in Hell.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2011 26 August :: 4.37pm

All necessary bills caught up.. Rent paid a week early (WITH a motherfucking receipt, learned my lesson).. And enough left over to go out on a much needed date!

Now to decide if we want a movie or a strip club.. Or Irv's. Descisions, descisions! :)

But def getting some sushi! X3 Nom, nom, omnomnom!

Haha also this girl made a HUGE effort to apologize about being a flake and came over, kept talking about how she just wanted to have angry make up sex with whoever she could, and how much her ex hated us, and when we didn't take advantage of her, started completely ignoring us and then removed us from her facebook friends. WTF? this is how I view EVERY Spokane resident. Batshit crazy.

:: 2011 23 August :: 3.12pm

Haha I am "the weird chick" at work. I'm pretty sure people are nice to me so I don't kill them when I go postal.

disclaimer: I probably will never go postal since I dont hate anything about my job. Except for the woman who talks about NOTHING BUT her 2 year-old.. A topic I have absolute 0 interest in.

:: 2011 20 August :: 11.06pm

Jeff Jag

:: 2011 19 August :: 6.13pm

Why is it I can't find anyone to hang out with Wednesday and Thursday, but come Friday everyone and their dog wants to come over??

:: 2011 18 August :: 3.49pm

I'm stupid.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2011 16 August :: 2.02pm

New apartment manager at Village on Broadway.. Amanda Cuntzilla.

I can't begin to say how angry I am.

:: 2011 14 August :: 6.48pm

At work.. Got caught up on all my bills :) in a decently happy mood..

Well.. Was.

I hate living here.

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