The last dream

:: 2011 12 January :: 10.10am

I've lost 5 lbs since Monday!!!!!

I'm so happy I could scream!!!

:: 2011 9 January :: 9.45pm
:: Music: NIN - we're in this together now

"Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we've found
Well they've got to hate what we fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear"

:: 2011 7 January :: 3.50pm

Medifast got here today and I got my hair done :D I look uber sexy! My hair is platinum with a purple shadow. It's very nice!

I'm really hoping Medifast works for me. It's helped a shit ton of people and as long as I stay strict I know I can't at least succeed a little. My starting weight is a little embarrassing so it's not going up here. But hopefully within 10 months I'll get down to 165 and be fit. Diet and exercise, school and work. It's going to be a real struggle balancing everything along with working on the relationship. How do people do it?

I know I can succeed because I have the support I need. Now I just need to see the first bit of results for motivation. I will succeed and I will DDR again.

Plus once this is all said and done I'm totally getting an augmentation. Nothing big, just up to a solid D on both sides. For celebration and self confidence.

:: 2011 2 January :: 3.58am

Do you ever feel ridiculously ugly and unwanted...?

I hate feeling like this.

:: 2010 28 December :: 6.34pm

I miss expressing myself.

:: 2010 22 December :: 7.43pm

Alaska at last :)
Landed safe in Alaska :) hanging out at home with Danielle and Sus :3
Corky's a little under the weather haha but it's self-inflicted..

When shopping at Freddy's and surprisingly found a bunch of great shirts for Sus's Christmas presents :3 and no big taxes! Yay! Now all he needs is pants and he's all ready for college fashion-wise haha I'm really excited for him :)

It's nice to be on vacation away from all the stress and darkness that is Spokane. I feel happier now that we're getting a break and I can focus on trying to fix what I've broken. It's a good opportunity for me.

:: 2010 12 December :: 12.14am

Driving on the freeway, fogged windows and the rain coming down in soft sheets, like bed clothes for my heart.. Beautiful echoing in my heart and mind. The music gently carrying me

I have to remind myself we are far from home.. And yet I still allow myself one blissful moment where I forget.

I am complete. I am home in my heart.

:: 2010 11 December :: 1.43pm

I feel like poo... And I have to go to work.. :(

today is a blah day. I really want to just go to Alaska. I need a vacation from Spokane.

:: 2010 3 December :: 6.57am

I'm so fat. And hideous. Perfectly um-fucking-touchable.

:: 2010 1 December :: 12.32pm

I miss abilify.. But not the hunger that comes with it.

:: 2010 28 November :: 1.03pm

Day 1 without Abilify.. Wish me luck!

:: 2010 25 November :: 1.22am

Sigh.

:: 2010 19 November :: 8.55am

Damn erratic sleep needs. Now I'm up at 8 :/

:: 2010 14 November :: 9.34am

I'm sitting on the couch with my little bazooka. I just fed her some fancy feast, let her lick my hand, purring, and pet her cute little face. It's her birthday month. I've had her for 3 years.. And these are probably the last few hours I'll get with her.

I love my baby. I am torn to see her go. There's a heaviness in my heart, but I know it's for the best. She'll be happier in her new home, more space, a better catbox, more money to have nice things and a perpetually clean litter box.

I'll miss her. :(

:: 2010 10 November :: 12.56pm

I'm suck a LAZY FAT FUCK.

:: 2010 9 November :: 10.52am

I'm so freaked out I can't sleep..
My car..
My cat..
My weight..
My debt..
My credit..
Christmas..

Ugh. I just want to sleep

:: 2010 8 November :: 1.41pm

There's a heavy pain in my heart.. And I hate it.

aerii

:: 2010 4 November :: 2.09pm

Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!

:: 2010 3 November :: 2.07pm

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it..
And usually the anwser is no. But that doesn't change it.
I'm getting tired. And I can bring myself to get loud and fix it.
I'm just getting to be exhausted.. Every second is a battle to stay awake.
I could have slept all day today.

:: 2010 3 November :: 2.49am

Big warm fuzzy secret heart..

I need like 14 more drinks and maybe I'd be ok.
But right now... Oh no.
:/