The last dream

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:: 2010 30 October :: 6.47pm

First thanksgiving where I'm running the show!! I'm so excited!!

Alixz is helping with some exciting smashed Parmesan potatoes!

I'm making a salted lemon-oregano roasted turkey, mushroom strudel, some salad and the obligatory cranberry sauce in a can!

I'm really super stoked to be cooking this year! And I'm really excited to make the day after turkey pot pue which I missed out on last year!

I just have to decide if I want to work a shift on thanksgiving or not.. It's my normal day off.. Hmmm...

:: 2010 30 October :: 1.49pm

So I've decided I'm going to try the diet Corky is on.. I'm hoping that I'll be successful.

I'm struggling with self esteem issues and my appetite is out of control even with prescription diet pills. I just want to lose the weight, feel attractive, relieve my back pain and feel healthy and happy. Everyday I look at myself and see my pretty face and hair and I like that, but I see my fatty chin and big pot belly and just feel replusive. I want to look as pretty as I know I am. I want to look like I used to.

I really want to play DDR again. I want that happiness back.

So, this is my plan;
step one is pay back my dad
step two is pay off my bestbuy card
step three is pay off my Bowflex card
step four is buy Medifast
step five is pay off student loan
step five is pay off Wellsfargo

step one will take 2 paychecks
step two will take 2 more
step three will take 6 paychecks
step four is going to push everything 1 paycheck out
step five will take 16 months (but it's good for my credit so I don't mind that taking forever)
step six will take 13 paychecks

I think the two year plan will make it just barely :)
and with Medifast hopefully I'll move back to Seattle one hot bitch.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2010 29 October :: 11.23am

Last night was theraputic. :)

:: 2010 28 October :: 7.52pm

I need to just understand that I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy what I have.

:: 2010 28 October :: 10.55am

Last night was really fun :3
especially in the bedroom ;)

now onto lunch with my family!
And then an evening with a cute girl!
And then the couch comes on Friday!!1!1one1!!

Yay for good weekends :D

:: 2010 27 October :: 1.29am

I realize clearly now I made a mistake.
I regret it almost everyday.

:: 2010 26 October :: 12.08pm

Hmm.. I'm tired. But not sleepy.

I'm bored, too.

And thinking college might be a little further off than I thought.

I'm disappointed, but I'm just assuming at this point, which I'm not supposed to do, so I won't worry..

I'm glad our apt is looking super homie :)

:: 2010 24 October :: 8.03pm

Two year list:

1. Pay my dad back
2. Pay off Best Buy card
3. Go to college
4. Pay off Bowflex card
5. Pay off Wellsfargo card
6. Finish paying off Sallie Mae
7. Get a promotion

pretty good list.. :)

:: 2010 19 October :: 6.54pm

It went ok.. I don't think the dr is very effective, but I think we made a little progress :)

:: 2010 18 October :: 7.07pm

Tomorrow is the meeting with my parents. I am terrified. And I'm going alone. This will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.

I'm not looking forward to tomoorow at all. I'm not looking forward to the future.

I'm not even looking forward to getting off work.. Or being at work..

I just hate every second I spend awake. I hate every moment that passes and I feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, dejected, worthless, fat and stupid.

And that seems to be every waking moment almost.

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.42pm

Why do I even come home..?

:: 2010 17 October :: 2.34pm

They don't seem to be working.. :(

:: 2010 16 October :: 1.15pm

if i don't see you eating healthy and losing weight i'm sure as hell not going to listen to your dieting advice.

i'm so fucking done with being fat. i'm so fucking done of feeling like i'm starving and working my ass off just to see those 3 fucking numbers go up.

according to BMI i am .5 away from being obese. i hate myself so much. i hate being this fucking huge ass cow with back issues because i fucking gained all this weight.

i hate all those skinny people who tell me they're fat.
i hate all those people who eat shit and don't work out and are thin.
i hate everyone who looks at me and thinks i'm a lazy fat asshole.

i hate feeling like the biggest fucking failure because i've gained so much fucking weight for no good reason and have no medical excuse to not be losing it.

i am so fucking sick with and disappointed in myself.

:: 2010 15 October :: 4.37pm

Another boring weekend come and gone

:: 2010 15 October :: 1.44am

Pinkle Purr
by A. A. Milne

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
A little black nothing of feet and fur;
And by-and-by, when his eyes came through,
He saw his mother, the big Tattoo.
And all that he learned he learned from her.
"I'll ask my mother," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
A rediculous kitten with silky fur.
And little black Pinkle grew and grew
Till he got as big as the big Tattoo.
And all that he did he did with her.
"Two friends together," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo was the mother of Pinkle Purr,
An adventurous cat in a coat of fur.
And whenever he thought of a thing to do,
He didn't much bother about Tattooo,
For he knows it's nothing to do with her,
So "See you later," says Pinkle Purr.

Tattoo is the mother of Pinkle Purr,
An enormous leopard with coal-black fur.
A little brown kitten that's nearly new
Is now playing games with its big Tattoo...
And Pink looks lazily down at her:
"Dear little Tat," says Pinkle Purr.

:: 2010 15 October :: 1.35am

Soo sleepeh and it's waaaaay before my bed time ;)

:: 2010 13 October :: 5.52pm

I'm getting married in a week.

:: 2010 12 October :: 7.20pm

In these small moments, where I truly am alone, I can find a small ounce of beauty in how utterly singular our lives are. We are only us and we will never truly understand another living thing. We are alone from the moment we are conceived to the moment we die.

I usually find this idea appauling and ridiculously depressing, but right now.. I can see how it is quite beautiful. Like decay.

:: 2010 11 October :: 1.16pm

Really, really need to buy some groceries.. :/ really, really tired :( not ready for a busy day at work..

Bleh :/

:: 2010 10 October :: 12.49pm

Mmmm deep fried fish candy! Nothing better than that! ;)

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