godessalthena
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2018 9 September :: 9.28am
I just want to give up. I hate every beautiful day.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 5 September :: 7.51pm
:: Mood: adoring
when baby dog is really happy, she runs around completely nuts around the living room and then bolts away into the kitchen to get a drink and then bolts into the den
my mom squeels with glee every time she does it, and it's always the same adorable sound with a wonderful giggle after and it's just one of my absolute favorite things. it makes my heart sing.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 5 September :: 6.19am
I suck at comforting people
one day down of sober September and I have had no break from an uncomfortable unsettled feeling deep in my stomach, like I ate copious amounts of cheese.
I can do this.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 4 September :: 9.34pm
I'm really fucking sick and tired of being treated like I don't know shit.
I know a lot. I'm smart. I've had jobs in different areas and understand how almost all insurance works (besides life insurance, but that seems like the most straight forward insurance).
but go ahead,just treat me like I don't know anything. it's okay.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 29 August :: 2.12pm
you either are important or you aren't
you either matter to someone or you don't
I'm always in the "not" category
and it hurts, but trying harder just looks desperate, and I don't know how to do less than what I do. I'm just a non entity. I'm fading into nothing. I don't speak I don't care I just feel sad and lonely.
and I know it'll only get worse. I know I'll be the worst mom. I know I'll die in child birth. I know I'll have a miscarriage. I know I'm sterile.
why do I even exist
I am a meaningless creature on a meaningless planet in an infinite expanse of nothing.
how do I fix this?
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 29 August :: 8.24am
why is it that I always manage to convince myself that my bf is gay and in love with another man?????
it happens every time. am I crazy? am I imagining it?
is it just my insecurities about not being a man? maybe I was just supposed to be a man. idk.
life is so confusing.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 26 August :: 12.52pm
this country is so fucking fucked.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 22 August :: 9.45pm
I'm so freaking frustrated I want to scream.
there just no being happy. if I do one thing I suffer in another way.
I need to find a therapist.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 19 August :: 11.01pm
maybe it'll never be enough
maybe it's just me
2 tulips |
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 18 August :: 11.21pm
I know a lot of people hate lap dogs but they are honestly the best
they are perfectly destined to be our hand held best friends
I just want to snuggle my puppies forever
domesticated dogs are just permanent puppies and it's just the best. dogs were made to be with people. out of how many animals in the world dogs are the only one to truly and unrevokably to be our best friend. can you imagine a world without dogs?
it would be a pretty fucking sad world.
not to say other domesticated animals aren't awesome, they just don't hold a candle to dogs. they are the best. hands down.
DOGS FUCKIN ROCK
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 18 August :: 10.19pm
I love being the best
even if it's at something stupid.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 17 August :: 9.10am
worst timing ever... check
constant ability to out foot in mouth... check
permanent confusion towards life... check
how does anyone actually enjoy this whole "being alive and interacting with other people" bullshit?
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 12 August :: 7.53am
when you can tell your dogs are starting to love you again because you spend more time at home
best feeling ever
working from home is truly so wonderful. I know it's hard to balance working from home and feeling "included" at the office but the two days I go in is just perfect. one day would probably be my preference but eh.
now if I could just get some extra cash....
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 10 August :: 5.53pm
ah fuck it
I'm gonna have a party
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 7 August :: 9.32am
first day working from home was pretty much the most amazing thing ever so glad they gave me this opportunity!
I didn't complain over yesterday. I just felt comfortable
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 5 August :: 10.43pm
even though she still feels haunted
haunted
haunted
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 3 August :: 10.20pm
it's has always been this way
and to many people i'll always be the same
a broken record of broken thoughts but really I have been going to work regularly for 8 years with a corporation I loathe and in a career I despise but hey at least it pays my debts? it could be worse or course.
after my most recent break down I decided to have a better attitude it's lasted a month or so, but I'm slipping. I start working from home on Monday so I think that'll help ease the pain that comes with being a cog in the corporate murser machine.
at least I know insurany helps more people than it hurts. I mean nothing is perfect and no one will always be 100% satified but how many people could truly replace all the shit that is lost when you lose it all? I mean I guess it sucks if you never have to use it, but think about it like paying it forward in a really big way.
maybe I'm brainwashed but I tell myself these things so I can sleep at night.
I should adopt a cause. but in the face of these insurmountable obstacles I can't even pick a place to begin.
I just need some direction please. just a little would help
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 31 July :: 9.40am
this smoke doe
like it's normal for the world to burn every summer
like the world isn't warming up
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 29 July :: 8.18am
:: Music: post malone
she told me that I'm not enough
and left me with a broken heart
bloom
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godessalthena
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2018 28 July :: 1.43am
looking at the future:
going off that roller coaster in Vegas only it isn't going to stop at the edge
we need to full stop and figure out climate change
then all these social issues we created with this souless industrial military complex.
the planet isn't a body we control, it's the body we live on. kill our mother and that will be the end of whatever it is that makes homo sapiens the "special" species.
my heart aches and my head races. I just smile and nod, but inside I'm screaming.
why can't I find my voice?
bloom
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