The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2018 28 July :: 1.43am

looking at the future:

going off that roller coaster in Vegas only it isn't going to stop at the edge

we need to full stop and figure out climate change

then all these social issues we created with this souless industrial military complex.

the planet isn't a body we control, it's the body we live on. kill our mother and that will be the end of whatever it is that makes homo sapiens the "special" species.

my heart aches and my head races. I just smile and nod, but inside I'm screaming.

why can't I find my voice?

:: 2018 26 July :: 9.50pm

walking home from my sweeties house I stopped on a bench in my favorite park. the full moon bathing the warm air with reflected sunlight. I hear a faint tinkling behind me. I turn and see what appears to be a small dark figure approaching at a rapid gait. I calmly await it's arrival when up onto the stone next to me appears a black cat.

I immediately begin petting his soft fur. he's purring and hugging me, come around to both sides to make sure he has exhausted all the pets. then we sat in quiet contemplation together.

we then parted ways. thanks my special friend. I appreciate the check in <3

:: 2018 25 July :: 9.28pm

heavy sigh

I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have

and I will never feel good enough

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.32pm

at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.

and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?

why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.

I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.

I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.27pm

you don't need a friend

boy, you're a man

:: 2018 19 July :: 10.23pm

I frustrated myself to no end

I just can't find words

but I so desperately want to connect

I don't know what to say or how to say it and I feel like I'm drifting away

:: 2018 19 July :: 8.49am

need the secret to mind reading

:: 2018 18 July :: 10.22pm

everything feels so empty

I put on a smile and crack a joke to calm those around me

going through the motions fake it til you make it

i want to be spoiled

:: 2018 15 July :: 10.39am

I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear

but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things

but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?

there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?

:: 2018 14 July :: 12.01am

the loneliness it's rather soul crushing

and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen

I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings

I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.

and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.

:: 2018 12 July :: 7.35am

I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.

seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.

my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!

also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa

hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.

next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.

keep dreaming dreamers

:: 2018 9 July :: 10.58pm

my boss complimented my better attitude today

but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts

everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful

:: 2018 2 July :: 1.57pm

my sleeve is FINALLY FINISHED

after 5 years and 48 hours of work this beautiful creation has all the pieces filled.

but he use two different blacks and half is in the new black and half is in the old (the old stuff looks kinda grew, like graphite). I kinda want him to go other all the lines again but fuuuuuck

this last appointment was definitely the most painful (possibly second after the elbow, but I don't quite remember if it was worse or not)

he also touched up my totoros and back stars so they look a lot more clean and vibrant!

I love all of them. I'm so happy it's finally done :)

:: 2018 29 June :: 10.47pm

why do I still try

don't try

it doesn't matter either way

:: 2018 27 June :: 1.51pm

I know how to cope with my depression, I know I can't dwell on my set backs, but I was really, really counting on at least getting an interview, and now you tell me they've hired everyone they want to for now.

but it's not ok to be upset about that.gotta just keep moving forward like a cold unfeeling robot arm.

I'm so fucking sick of all this. just leave me alone. I am shutting myself away so none of you have to feel compelled to give me any more advice I didn't ask for, or more negative words that I don't need, or telling me to do shit I'm not fucking going to do.

IM DRIVING MY OWN GOD DAMNED BUS AND I WILL BE AS FUCKING SAD AS I WANTO TO BE ABOUT WHATEVER I WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT.

I'm not asking for help. my experience is my responsibility. I'm not asking to be lifted up and told fluffy lies about myself.

just leave me be and let me rot alone in absurdity.

:: 2018 26 June :: 7.04am

finally got rid of my Facebook, feels good to get rid of Zuckerberg's robot lizard eyes in my life.

I got accepted to start working from home, so hopefully I will start feeling better about work. I won't have to try and dodge questions about how I am or how my weekends went. I won't have to wear uncomfortable clothing and starve all day. I will be able to go for a walk and a park instead of a huge parking lot next to the Comcast building.

what I really need is a hug and to be held. I wish someone could tell me everything is going to be alright, but I know it isn't at this point.

I'm trying to accept the facts that I will never feel rested again and that the world will always be a horrible depressing place as long as other humans exist in it. humans are the worst. we aren't special, so stop thinking we are.

:: 2018 25 June :: 8.45pm

sometimes I'd be nice for words and not just gifs.

idk. I both love and hate the internet.

:: 2018 25 June :: 3.12pm

my boss told me to keep my promotion I need to be happy at work

I told her to fucking take both the raise and promotion and shove it up LM's asshole because I'm not going to fake it so management can have the warm and fuzzies.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2018 24 June :: 8.45am

when everything inside looks like everything you hate

there is no hope for change
there are no chances to take

I'm on fire burning at the absurdity

:: 2018 22 June :: 7.05pm

stupid piece of shit white skin.

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