The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2017 23 November :: 10.52pm

I try to be sweet and loving and caring and helpful and yet I ALWAYS manage to ruin the night by being a psychotic bitch

Im not made to live on this planet. Im not made to love other humans. Im just worthless. A sack of shit. A piece of useless garbage.

Same as I always have been same as I always will be. You can't change the core of a person, only the nuances surrounding them. I give up.

:: 2017 22 November :: 12.14am

I just want a stupid smoke

But no lighter no matches no flint stone

No nothing

>:(

:: 2017 16 November :: 6.53am

My least favorite way to be woken up is by phone call

:: 2017 6 November :: 3.08pm

I hope it still hurts

The hole I made in your heart the day I left

:: 2017 1 November :: 2.07pm

So so tired of existing

:: 2017 31 October :: 10.35pm

Sometimes you make me wish I could disappear

It not that I don't listen to you because I do, I just have a hard time piecing things together about people

Maybe it's just me being selfish maybe I feel like you never listen to me either

Maybe nothing really matters and everything is just a big old fucking waste of time we all end up dead anyway

:: 2017 30 October :: 2.13pm

i hate that you love them so much. the stories related to me don't inspire trust or confidence and i find myself reaching to make connections that aren't there.

where does this loyalty come from?
why are these drug addicts so important?

but there's no way to talk to you about it. and there's no way to express my feelings without sounding like a dumb jealous cunt.

but i can't see their value in your mind, i can't even see their value to society.

but they are probably right. i suck. i'm fat and ugly and stupid. a waste of time. just like they are to me.

:: 2017 22 October :: 8.40am

so much debt
so many stupid fucking decisions
i'm a fucking piece of shit and i don't deserve nice things

:: 2017 14 October :: 7.55pm

i love the feeling of fresh ink

especially when i know the next session will be the last and this sleeve will finally be done and i can move onto something else is so exciting

i was to get an evil eye on my chest between my wings, get the wings touched up...

i really need to get my back stars covered or fixed because they are just so terrible and i would love to have something awesome back there instead of just some half ass whatever.

but man my legs are so bare

:: 2017 10 October :: 12.29am

vanilla huckleberry macarons

meh

my back hurts and i'm tired

i just want to cuddle

:: 2017 7 October :: 9.01am

woke is an odd work

:: 2017 6 October :: 10.13pm

chicken parm turned out ok, will be better next time if i do it again!

so incredibly stoned right now, but can't quite relax

can't sleep much anymore

getting headaches from my nsaids

the world is about to explode on itself

but thank fucking goddess there's fucking weed

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2017 2 October :: 9.34am

i was hoping that a sleep would help get rid of this empty hollow feeling deep inside

but how can sleep help with horrible things when horrible things happen whilst there?

i don't want to live here any longer. maybe all those celebrities died last year because they knew what was coming.

please someone stop this crazy ride, i want to get off.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2017 1 October :: 9.38am
:: Mood: crushed

i have a big old heart of stone today.

i fucking hate you sometimes. i don't know why im still holding onto a friendship that burned hot and then burned out so quickly. maybe i don't want to accept the fact that i was just a tool in your life, a means to an end that was ultimately inconsequential to you. yeah you still occasionally compliment me, but i don't care how "beautiful" or "remarkable" you say i am, i know you are just.blowing smoke.

maybe if instead of bailing on all the plans we make, scheduling me for 2 weeks in advance to hang out and then "forgetting" even though i reminded you the day before, maybe if you actually once asked ME how I am doing rather than just talk about your life and problems.

i am happy you took a step to make yourself happy and are now living the life you always wanted. i wish you would just let me know because i know you don't even like me. you only love me conditionally when it can get you something you want.

you even told me you loved me once, and that you would be with me. and that was a lie to put a collar on my hearts it still hurts. it cut me like a dog forgotten tied to a tree.

it just fucking kills me. i miss you, and yet i hate you.

:: 2017 29 September :: 11.12pm

i understand your sadness so i guess i should hold my tongue

:: 2017 25 September :: 8.18pm

juanjolio got a bearded dragon and named him hobbs

he's light tan and when he wants out of his enclosure he goes super pale and makes his throat black and tries to get out

he didn't like me at first but i think now he likes me a lot

he found hobbs on craigslist for free some little punks couldn't give him the time, he came with a bum eye but it's getting better

he's so mad right now, too. he's a grumpy guy sometimes.

:: 2017 23 September :: 8.15am

nothing feels good
nothing is fun
my job sucks away all my joy
all my time
all my ambition

:: 2017 22 September :: 12.29pm

someone hurry up and murder me

suicide is too scary

and i want off this fucking ride

:: 2017 21 September :: 5.50pm

i swear to christ if you fucking tell me "let's not make this a thing" im going to fucking scream

1. i will make a "thing" out of whatever i feel is important enough to make a "thing" of.

2. me offering to be nice is not me making a "thing" out of the situation

3. fuck off

:: 2017 11 September :: 11.36pm

best things about being an adult:

1. pets
2. hotels
3. driving your own car

2 tulips | bloom

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