The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2017 29 August :: 10.27pm

in all honesty i probably am too hard on myself. i'm not even 30 yet, halfway to making 6 figure salary. i get 150 hours off a year and in 3 years it goes up to 180. im doing better than the average person my age i think?

so i don't have a house. so i don't have a kid. there's no rush to make those decisions even now. like everyone else i do have a lot of debt, like a revolving door. and yes credit cards get me in a little trouble but not like before.

i need to stop bullying myself over not being good enough compared to other people. i am good enough because my heart is large and i love and am loved. i an generous and i try to be there for my friends, even if there's static going on. i am not perfect and i do become self centered at times, but that is part of loving yourself.

itll be okay. the future is yet to be seen. hopefully the craziness that is our world right now settles and i can stop feeling completely out of control and pessimistic. i hate what america is doing right now, caving in on itself. it's terrifying what might come, but then again, what generation HASN'T felt that way?

so much stress.

:: 2017 29 August :: 7.08pm

after 5 years of persistent hard work and dedication

i have finally achieved a goal i never thought possible

I JUST BLEW MY FIRST INTENTIONAL PERFECT SMOKE RING!!!!
omg omg omg

is like to thank marihuana cigarettes for making this all finally come true

through the sweet ganja goddess
all things are possible

:: 2017 26 August :: 9.04pm

feeling left behind or left out

:: 2017 23 August :: 5.21pm

starving myself hurts WAY less than feeding myself.

anorexia here i come!

:: 2017 21 August :: 5.52pm

when you have IBS is it like an every day kinda thing? or does it come and go like crohn's?

because idk if i can live every day feeling like this.

:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

:: 2017 17 August :: 5.39pm

looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me

:: 2017 17 August :: 2.09pm

i just want to know if i got the job

so i can tell this place fuck you very much

:: 2017 9 August :: 2.11pm

ugh

:: 2017 4 August :: 8.07pm

dabs drinks and r&b from the 2000s with friends

dreams really do come true

:: 2017 4 August :: 4.47pm

life is too short

to voluntarily enslave yourself

to misery

:: 2017 3 August :: 10.53am

today started really rough

had a mental breakdown right before my interview

hurt my back sitting on that orange couch last night

late payments and shitty IVR and customer service representatives

Now everything is squared away, i wish my belly would settle down

i really hope i get this. i need out. i'm breaking up with you, work, and it hurts me more than it'll ever hurt you.

why do you have to keep breaking my heart?

:: 2017 2 August :: 11.46pm

why do the hide men's faces in porn?

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2017 28 July :: 9.07pm

i know im not alone in the way i feel

but how many other people feel this way

how do they cope

just one foot in front of the other?

it feels that simple but is it really?

i am losing my mind but i'm terrified to make a change

i settled into quicksand and i don't know if i can claw my way out

when i started at liberty it was a shining beacon of hope. i finally made it. i finally am going to make enough money to pay my bills and see the doctors i need. 7 years later and all i see is a dark moldy ship crawling it's way along a roiling black sea cannon shells marring the hull and we are all furiously bailing the toxic water out. i cry at work.i try to be a cheerleader because everyone is so buried in misery. and we just keep bailing while our muscles tear from the ligaments and the ligaments from the bone. and they tell us to smile "it could be worse". but hell is different for different people. and i can see it in everyone's eyes the trapped feeling they have. this suffocating doe eye expression claustrobia overtaking them the paper walls are tumbling on us and we and getting lacerated in the avalanche

how do we all keep going? how has no one snapped yet?

it's just too much.

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.15pm

my soul
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.02pm

the mountains of pain
with roots wrapped deep

tendrils in my heart
squeeze out the joy wasted on the ground

face the fears and follies
all alone

tears stream
and i hold my own bucket

:: 2017 27 July :: 12.55pm

liberty ain't cheap and freedom ain't free
im a millennial, blame it all on me

:: 2017 24 July :: 3.41pm

didn't get the supervisor position i applied for.

not surprised not really disappointed just kinda meh

im ready for a new chapter im ready for a change but i'm just stuck stagnating

maybe a few more years and it'll be my time

:: 2017 23 July :: 1.00am

i just want to give myself to love completely

but there's something holding me back

as of yet a nameless creature stalking me silently from the shadows

went to a beautiful wedding today one where i felt the desire to share my heart in front of those i fear the judgement of the most

i want to bear my heart to someone

but fear leaves me standing in shade waiting for the beast to take me

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