The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2017 16 February :: 6.40am

im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself

i wish i could erase what happened

i wish i could have been smarter sooner

i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person

being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.

i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.

:: 2017 14 February :: 6.21pm

i love dog stars they make the commute home even better

:: 2017 12 February :: 10.28pm

everything is slightly up and to the left of center

not sure i like it

:: 2017 9 February :: 3.25pm

we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs

despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end

while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented

it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done

in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.

we are the fucking kings and queens of promise

:: 2017 7 February :: 7.34am

going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy

day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese

fml

:: 2017 2 February :: 8.16pm

im mad

but i got some really cute clothes today

im most excited for the hello kitty dress with strawberries and a lace peter pan collar. it is so cute i could die

:: 2017 1 February :: 10.06pm

how do you decide when you're ready for kids?

now that it might actually be obtainable, i am getting very cold feet.

my track record is full of bad decisions... is this pontientally one more?

am i parent material?

:: 2017 30 January :: 2.57pm

i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.

there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".

and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.

and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.

but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.

and it hurts.

but we are not alone in our pain.

:: 2017 27 January :: 6.43am

coheed & cambria for my birthday??? yes please!

4 tulips | bloom

:: 2017 25 January :: 9.22pm

adrift and not so at peace

i don't know what i want.

:: 2017 25 January :: 6.32am

im sad for the world and america.

like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.

:: 2017 18 January :: 10.53pm

why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it

i feel like my cup is empty

but nothing i do to fill it seems to work

:: 2017 16 January :: 6.22pm

the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.

or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.

unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.

it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.

i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.

i fucking love being more than a number.

:: 2017 12 January :: 11.00pm

why is coheed & cambria so fucking cool?

and god damn i would love a bite of claudio'a hair mmmm hmmmm

:: 2017 11 January :: 8.28pm

sooooooooo not looking forward to tomorrow.

meeting a new doctor who will hopefully help with fmla. i fucking hate doctors. they make me feel so many deep dark emotions

my year performance review happens too. that's going to be completely wretched.

adulting fucking sucks.

:: 2017 8 January :: 7.31am

sometimes i think i'd love to live in seattle again. i'd be able to go to the zoo or the science center whenever i want. i could maybe make some friends and explore the city.

and then i think about the earthquakes and the traffic and i talk myself out of it. spokane isn't so bad is it. or is it.

i just don't know how to decide what to do with my future. for how valueable i am, my current employer undervalues me. is it worth trying to find something better.

or are my job stoppers really going to stop me from getting a job.

:: 2017 4 January :: 11.14pm

and it really feels suffocating room filling with water barely hanging on

:: 2017 1 January :: 1.30am

happy 4th of july everyone

$87 cab ride home from idaho
danced, drank & smiled
kisses at midnight
NYE successful

2017... ready! set!

:: 2016 29 December :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: high

fuck it dog life's a risk
https://youtu.be/kF4KkXLxW0Q

sittin in my whip smoking by myself while it's 30 degrees out

can't let him see me cry
i am just so FUCKED and i need some help

but you can't ask you just can't fucking ask it's too scary
i can't be seen as vulnerable
i can't be weak
i can't stand still

oh my god it's like boo fucking hoo it's just all about you. and, man, you're so sensitive

:: 2016 29 December :: 9.46am

our year end performance review is drawing nigh and i know mine is going to be dismal. even though i work hard when im at work and am meeting my numbers, since i've had 14 unplanned absencense this year i know it's going to destroy any good that i've got going on.

and the stupidest part is if my doctor would have just filled out my fmla paperwork it wouldn't be an issue. but no, she's a shitty doctor and im being punished for it.

i just want the review to be done so i can get over it, rather than it hanging over my head like the specter of defeat.

im tired of working my ass off and still being told i'm no good.

i want winter to be over.

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