godessalthena
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2016 14 September :: 8.07pm
I don't like the way I'm feeling right now
my stomach sinking
all the blood rushing to my trunk
I just feel so frustrated that you won't talk time about anything.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 13 September :: 12.04pm
this dead heart of mine is a heavy burden to carry.
I used to think maybe I wasn't meant to carry it alone
but every day that passes it seems more and more like a fact
I am not made to be happy. I am not made to love.
I am not made for anything. I am a tamed animal that's been left alone to waste away.
this hollowness I feel grows more every day. temporarily am I filled, but only to have it slip out of my cracked base.
i watch the wind through the trees and feel the brisk autumn air against my exposed flesh.
I feel nothing but meaningless inside.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 13 September :: 7.52am
disappointment
why can't you be a little more responsible?
or why am I such a responsible old windbag?
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 8 September :: 10.05pm
I can make it if I tired
I closed my eyes I kept on swimming
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 5 September :: 11.13pm
splurged on some new clothing today. torrid was having a buy one get one free clearance so I stocked up. a lil reward for paying off my car! I deserve it!
I just hope it all fits. the shitty thing is no returns... but let's be honest I'm too fucking lazy to go into a store.
I have some Blazers that never get worn.. I want to start wearing them more often just because. I'll dress up on Tuesdays, since men have tie Tuesday.
and maybe I'll get some new lipstick too...
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 31 August :: 9.07pm
maybe I really am just not ready
I fucking hate that motherfucker. I hate who I've become. who he trained me to be. I am so weak. still a slave to those putrid habits.
I am broken indefinitely. with broken strings it's hard to fix oneself.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 30 August :: 8.05am
reasons I hate work:
- nothing ever works
- offshore processing
- NOTHING EVER WORKS
- OFFSHORE PROCESSING
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 28 August :: 10.27am
oh my god I am tired
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 25 August :: 10.08pm
off to the tri cities for another Mexican birthday celebration and the taco guy
he makes the most delicious tacos, and to watch him prepare them is a treat
camping out in the back yard in a tent
it's going to be how you say
el mejor
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 24 August :: 12.51pm
I never have been
And I never will be
good enough
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 22 August :: 9.52am
probably the best thing growing my hair out has going for me:
EPIC HEAD BANGING
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 20 August :: 3.28pm
he's sawing adorable logs on the couch next to me
I gently touch his butt
he wiggles and makes the cutest sleep chuckle
I could die so cute
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 19 August :: 9.30am
so some good news after the terrible horrible no good very bad day yesterday...
I PAID OFF MY CAR NOTE
now to just get the title and she's mine ALL MIIIIIIINE
1 tulips |
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 18 August :: 11.42am
I live fat ugly and stupid
I'll die old alone and unloved
I try so hard to be seen
but I've never been more invisible
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 15 August :: 5.25pm
I fuck up too much to be a good relationship partner.
I can't feel enough to be a good relationship partner.
I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 14 August :: 9.20am
I feel so fucking guilty for being a home body.
but the older I get the less and less I want to spend time with new humans. they just aren't worth it.
especially now that I am the DD 99% of the the time. being the sober cat around a bunch of drunk dogs fickin blows. no amount of being checked on will make me have a better time.
I'm just a big old lame ass. I can't even get drunk anymore. my belly starts to hurt before I feel anything.
I suck.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 12 August :: 6.40pm
I could be happy forever with my cinnamon girl
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 8 August :: 11.48am
got my in person interview tomorrow!!!
so excite much nerves!
1 tulips |
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 5 August :: 6.56pm
optimistic about a new role at LM. I really hope I get it. I'm nervous because they have a few people that they didn't hire last round they are considering, but I'm thinking
+ they have had this post up forever, but the recruiter really wants to move me to the next round
+ this recruiter is the same one who moved me forward in the last adjuster role I had. the remembered me and was very warm and friendly. I feel that she will fight a lil harder for me.
+ my boss gave me all the tips to win the interview. she has been so supportive of me my whole career
- I am leaving her team but I want to be on her team so badly
I just feel so stressed about meeting my numbers down there, by the end of the day I'm just completely fried. I shouldn't have to justify leaving to myself, it's a nice pay increase for me and after being here for 6 years I feel like I should be higher than a grade 9... it's a little embarrassing I guess..
I just want to get myself out of this hole and start saving and living my life. I feel like I spent all this wasted money on the shittiest part of my life and now I have to keep paying for it during the best years I've ever had. it fucking sucks.
but that's what I get for being irresponsible. and I still am. I don't know if that's a lesson I will ever actually learn. I think JP having this job will really help me spend less. it's just so hard to get to know someone when you have no place to go.
and let's be honest, my time is running out.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2016 2 August :: 7.30pm
between Thursday and Sunday I drove 1200 miles. that is the longest I've driven in such a short period of time.
I definitely could never be a truck driver. too much.
but I will say, the trip was totally worth it. I love the ocean. and the beach. how very small it makes you feel.
and some of those twisty roads were super fun. I would love to be a rally car driver.
bloom
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