godessalthena
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2016 6 February :: 8.50pm
expressing my deep
inner thoughts...
clinging to a pole in a hurricane
climbing a sheer vertical cliff with no gear
I just need you to ask the right questions.
I honestly don't know how I feel 99% of the time. not saying anything makes it easier to change my mind about how I felt when a decision was made.
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godessalthena
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2016 4 February :: 7.50am
happy birthday to one of my absolutely favorite people!! ALEXZ YOU ROCK!!!! I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend <3 <3
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godessalthena
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2016 2 February :: 5.08pm
when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire
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godessalthena
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2016 1 February :: 7.27am
day 1 of new shift...
someone shoot. meh.
hopeful long being off at 4:15 will be its own reward
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godessalthena
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2016 29 January :: 7.40am
so many crafts.. so little time!!!
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godessalthena
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2016 27 January :: 10.42pm
I hate you. i hate you so much. I hate that I loved you so much. I did everything for you.
I compromised my morals. I completely lost myself in you. all I could see was through your eyes, and every fiber of my being wanted to make you happy. I wanted to untwist your dark and damaged heart, because I could still see the hurt little boy underneath.
you encouraged me to face my demons. you pressured me into getting help I desperately needed. you were my best friend. I shared every inch of my labyrinth heart to you. I showed you more of me than anyone has ever seen.
but none of that could ever make you content. none of that ever meant a damn thing to you. you took my love and you used it against me. you poisoned me. three years later, and I'm still trying to clear the radioactive waste you left decaying in my chest. I am tainted, and every time I get close to someone, I am once again reminded of how you ruined me.
I wish there wasn't some demented part of me that still loves you. I should never have let you in. you've really taken 7 years of my life from me. and I know you'll continue to haunt me. there isn't a single day that passes where I don't think of you. you're still very much a part of me.
you torment me.
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godessalthena
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2016 25 January :: 6.58pm
sometimes, you just need to be confided in by a new friend to make you feel like maybe all this pain and misery is worth it.
"I love you, friend" is just one of the best things to hear from such a sweet and thoughtful woman. I'm really glad I met Tracie, she always brightens my day at work. it sucks we can only talk at the end of the day.. she started just waiting for me, 15 whole minutes! just to talk with me.
I have some truly amazing ladies in my life. Alexz is always there, so fiercely loyal and wonderfully blunt. hearing shit talked straight is such a rare thing these days I feel like. and Zoe is just always my inner voice to keep fighting. she and I are almost the same person in so many ways, and yet in some ways we are so radically different. we balance each other well. these two women have saved my life on too many occasions to count.
in this horrible flood called life, I'm just thankful to have such steadfast boulders to be bound to.
Abe is always there for me, with this seemingly unconditional love. he is a much needed outlet and an excellent window.
and weed. it may be a crutch, but what do crutches do? they help people walk. I was crawling in the muddy dark, when weed grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.
but god damn, am I still filthy.
1 tulips |
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godessalthena
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2016 25 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: aggravated
so much to say.
no ability to get the words out.
i am pissed, hurt, confused, and relieved.
maybe i should do something stupid too.
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godessalthena
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2016 23 January :: 7.53am
:: Mood: accomplished
when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. I even danced for myself in the mirror this morning.
I am a hot babe.
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godessalthena
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2016 22 January :: 8.06pm
hell has no fury as a woman scorned
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godessalthena
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2016 18 January :: 8.42am
I wish people cloud hear what they sound like sometimes.
would you tell a burn victim you can't be friends because you find having healthy skin too important?
there are nicer ways to say no.
people are asshats.
fuck Monday's
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godessalthena
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2016 13 January :: 2.10pm
Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered
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godessalthena
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2016 9 January :: 6.20am
is there a difference between liking something because you're good at it and being good at something because you really enjoy it?
4 tulips |
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godessalthena
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2016 5 January :: 7.37pm
why I am quiet:
I speak my mind, and everyone systematically tears my idea down.
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godessalthena
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2016 5 January :: 1.54pm
still feeling like shit, but made it into work. trying not to escape into work requests and music, because everything else just feels like too much.
things don't go how you want them to. and people keep hounding for things they'll never get. and my patience is wearing thin.
I hate being a woman. I hate society. I hate how we raise our children and I hate how we all feel worthless and powerless and insignificant.
I've lost 20 pounds since I've moved home. I can see it all pretty much left my belly. I don't know if I want to be skinny, but being at 200 pounds would be pretty cool. I guess. I don't fucking know.
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godessalthena
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2016 4 January :: 6.08am
after sweating profusely all night and waking up to more sick, I called out of work today. first day of the new year and I can't make it in.. hopefully the rest of the year won't be this way.
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godessalthena
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2016 3 January :: 9.36am
fuck I'm really fuckin sick. I wish I had drank heavily to deserve this, but I didn't.
fuck
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godessalthena
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2015 31 December :: 6.51am
it's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when you still think Santa is real
maybe it's finally my turn
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godessalthena
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2015 30 December :: 7.30pm
today was really quite good. best day I've had in a stretch.
and I am shitting my pants.
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godessalthena
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2015 29 December :: 6.58pm
I probably don't say this enough, but my dogs are just the best. I see bjornes paw prints in the snow and I can just imagine him prancing through the snow with my dad, walking up to the garage with his little grin. his adorable butt wiggle for a tail wag. when he smooshes himself into the corner by the hate waiting for me to come home.
I love when I get home and come up the basement steps, and he is up there with his excited face and tail fluttering furiously, and then his twirling happy dance around me as I take off my coat. he really is the sweetest baby boy.
and rika.. well shit she's just adorable. she always snuggles extra close to my hip at bed time. the way her tail wags extra wide when I get home. and all those little sweet kisses. she always is trying to hump bjornes face, and sometimes she does it with a toy in her mouth over his side, and growls up a storm. it's like she's trying to jump over him.
and her little Charlie Chaplin legs. and making her dance. she loves me best, and that just melts my heart and fills it with more joy than words can express.
<3
side note:
I miss the sun. it's been overcast and snowing for a few weeks now, I've almost forgotten the color of the sky, or the warmth of the sun. I'm not sure how I survived in Seattle. I need the sun!
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