The last dream

:: 2021 12 January :: 6.10am

regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under

:: 2021 2 January :: 11.50pm

is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics

the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me

:: 2020 8 December :: 2.05pm

on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!

:: 2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)

maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

:: 2020 7 December :: 6.40pm

I know I say this a lot.

but fuck do I hate being alive.

:: 2020 26 November :: 6.45pm

I hate every single second I'm alive

:: 2020 26 November :: 12.44pm

these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone

except me because I deserve to feel this way

:: 2020 17 November :: 9.16pm

remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.

I miss those days.

:: 2020 17 November :: 10.22am

holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.

been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.

I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

:: 2020 9 October :: 10.34am

that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.

this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.

:: 2020 4 October :: 8.18am

i need you like water in my lungs

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2020 15 September :: 12.59pm

I hurt myself today

:: 2020 14 September :: 10.06am

that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.

:: 2020 29 August :: 10.21pm

someone actually paid me back today what the fuck

this is a strange feeling

:: 2020 21 August :: 7.59am

I very literally hate every day.

I hate my life.

I hate my choices in life.

I hate the future.

I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.

it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.

I'm so lonely.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2020 11 August :: 5.54pm

quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.

I feel so isolated and lonely.

I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.

time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.

:: 2020 30 July :: 9.38am

who have I become?

I don't even recognize myself anymore

there's a stranger under my skin

:: 2020 25 July :: 12.38pm

trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point

I need a vacation