maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

bloom