i pretty much love youu..

i pretty much love youu..

:: 2006 5 December :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: frustrated

Sooooooo I've sent countless emails to many people for babysitting positions and I'm just waiting on getting replies, I've looked into live in positions as well so that way I could move out of the house, and that would be nice. I'm not getting my hopes up though. All I really need to make is like $250 a week and I should be ok. I put an ad up on craigslist too and hopefully that brings a few responses. I made a channukah list which consists of:

1.a pair of uggs
2.the rent soundtrack
3.panic! at the disco CD (which my moms ex boyfriend broke)
4.the movie patch adams
5.the movie jack
6.the movie click
7.giftcards to stores
8.a juicy tracksuit, or just the hoodies

and I haven't really though of much else yet.

So, I'm waiting on my capital one card to see if I get accepted and I applied for a bloomingdales card so I can get 10% off when I shop. I feel bad cause I told my sisters that I would get them uggs for channukah and if I don't get a job before then I definitely wont be able to afford them but whatever, it isn't my fault, my dad had to fire me righ before the holidays.

You wanna hear something really fucked up? The day my dad fired me, like, before we got to work, he let me buy him breakfast. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? Whatever.

My mom wants me to see a psychiatrist and I should go but I don't know, I guess I will, whatever.

That is all for now, kinda tired so I'm gonna get off the computer soon.

love you

chorusnerd620

:: 2006 5 December :: 6.31pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: "Cry" -Mandy Moore

Life, what else?!
I dont even know where to start off at. Im so confused about everything. The only thing im sure about is how my heart hurts so bad, how i constantly cry, how i really dont wanna live so i wont have to be faced with anything anymore. All my feelings i HOPED and PRAYED i wouldnt have to go through again as i did in middle school and the beginning of high school are unfortunately coming back. I hate crying! I finally thought all of that bullshit was over with. Everything i say to try to help, doesnt mean anything! it doesnt mean shit! i feel so alone in the world. i know people love me and stuff, it just feels like they dont anymore. i finally seemed to get over with the whole moving thing and just get use to it and get it over with already. but another issue comes up. My heart hurts so much, i dont wanna eat, i dont wanna be happy, i think moving was the biggest mistake i couldve made. well, the mistakes ive made before, in the long run benefited me somehow. Ive felt worse than this and something good always came by. I hope i dont find out 20 years from now. I hope its soon. I dont wanna feel like shit anymore. As i continue writing i realized something. Im just not gonna care anymore. im not gonna cry anymore. just fuck the stupid shit. w/e it is. Im just gonna live the days as it is. W/e happenes, just happens. I may not agree with it but oh well, there's nothing i could do about it. im just gonna handle it strong and continue with my life. Im not gonna feel like shit when theres so much other horrible things going on. i need to think of others. How are my tears gonna benefit someone? they're not. maybe if i just care about others and forget myslef i wont get hurt, i wont cry, i wont feel the need to wanna die. This is where the army comes up. After i graduate i might be alone. My life would be useful to protect others. it wouldnt be useful for anything else. As well as donating my lungs or kidneys i dont know some body part to someone BETTER, SMARTER, That has better dreams, who can have and live a life i couldnt ever pictured having. this entry may be weird, how i was so depressed and now caring less..i dont know either. All i know is that i dont wanna get hurt anymore, i dont wanna hurt anyone either, I LOVE this beautiful girl named GIna, I wanna be wtih her forever, I wanna do something for someone that can change their life forever. I wanna help people. I wanna save a person from dying. I wanna be with someone who will love me forever, be loyal to me forever, honest and can talk to me about ANYTHING! I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I may have it..... You tell me (you know who). I want to make her happy, never make her feel an ounce of sadness. Watch her accomplish her dreams, Support her in EVERYTHING she does, Hug her when she least expects it, Spoil her, Kiss her all the time, pinch her cheeks, make her laugh, make her feel like the most luckiest person in the world. help her whenever she needs it. i wanna be the person she comes to when shes sad, when shes happy, eveything and anything. I want her to have the g/f everyone DREAMS to have. Make people think shes the luckiest person in the world. How i try. Accomplishing with that I want to be someone's hero. A role model for people. Im just not gonna care about anything anymore. Let it go as it goes. W/e it is, i guess it wasnt meant to happen the way its suppose to. Im just gonna care more bout people. more about my world i live in and how i can make it better. No more tears, no more loneliness and no more Heartache.

i just LOVE you Gina..
I LOVE you more than ive ever loved anyone else
Im forever gonna LOVE you...
no matter what baby.

love you

imaqinary

:: 2006 5 December :: 7.55pm

woah....
This is a horrible habit.. I always seem to write when I have a bad day or something or other.
I woke up and my eyes were extremely puffy... another night of crying. I was so tired and I woke up a little late.. but oh well.

1st period: Did my work, didn't understand it.... copied Randi's paper and told her I'd make her another bracelet.. lol that did it. Anjane was supposed to get me out so we could practice for 3rd period.. but she forgot. Oh well.

Lunch/3rd period: Anjane and I try practicing our revised version of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas".. didn't work out to well. Actually, that's an understatement. It sucked. When we told Kristin we couldn't do it, she got upset and told us to sing the beginning. We sang it, it was blah. She said it was fine and they had already gotten their instruments. We said we couldn't do it again and she gave us a guilt trip. I almost started to cry because I felt bad... so we tried to practice it again all together.. it was horrible. We deff. couldn't do it. So, we're going to perform it next 3rd period. Oh well.

5th period: We sang once out of the whole period. Whatever. This whole Science FCAT thing happened... I really don't feel like writing the whole explanation. Other than that, chorus was boring. I'm so discouraged in chorus now.

After school: Didn't have to go to Drama today. Went straight home and ate some mandarin oranges and raisins. Had to go to Publix to get Cookie mix and got Hot chocolate, M&Ms, and a cookies and cream Hershey's bar. Lyndsay tells me she's going back to SD full time because she wants to go back and her health is better. My dad said that I could still do home-schooling without her though. I really hate SD now. It's getting really bad and stressing me out like crazy. I hate crying.

Well, I have to go.

I love Alyssa soooo much!!

=]

1 i pretty much | love you

imaqinary

:: 2006 5 December :: 7.55pm

love you

chorusnerd620

:: 2006 29 November :: 5.59pm

The Morning:
i woke up @ 6:00. Took a shower and once i got out my mom was on the bed. She was talking aobut how it was yesterday in the whole court thing she went to. We're gonna get Child Support. It'll take a while though. The process can and will be a longer time only if my dad were to wanna do a DNA test. To me i would take major offense to the situation. My dad would basically be dening my brother and I. That would be some shit if he were to do that. Hopefully, he doesnt stoop that low, waste HIS money and HIS time on that. According to the laywer if he were to go with the State Michigan's laws on Child support he would have to pay $1500 a month. But if he were to go by Florida he would have to pay the hospital for the birth of my brother and I. Cause of something with Medicade or something. i didnt really undestand that part. But yea, basically he would have to pay alot more to Florida. ALSO he would have to get a lawyer. so yea. we talked more and then i asked my mom if she could just take me to school @ 7:45 since we dont live at all far away from the school.

1st Hour:
I got into Gym, had to dress out cause we were gonna play basketball. We didnt really play basketball we just practiced dribbling and taking the balls away from people. lol. Then we did this relay game thing. It was fun. Then the rest of the 30 mins we had left we saw a movie about stuff about Anorexia, belgim and Belimia and stuff. It was really gross. The pictures were horrible. I hope i never encounter someone with that. Then we had to draw a picture of us and write what we felt about our physical appearences and stuff. Then we had to pick someone randomnly in our classes and tell them 3 compliments. It was cool. If you wanna know what i wrote about myself i said i love myself and have very high self esteem im happy and other crap like that.

2nd Hour:
Humanities. I kinda hate this class. Its boring and we do nothing but work, work and more freakin' work! We discussed the current events going on in our world and then we talked about the project we have. After, they had artifacts that were used a long time ago and we had to write about them and stuff. It was pretty gangsta. Then we had to read articles from newpapers between the years of 1885-1915. Pretty interesting facts. That's all we did. THANK GOD!

5th Hour:
Algebra 2. math is freakin' hard! dang! well, atleast matrices are. its so confusing. Ella wanted me to sit next to her in the back. I've done it before and i really didnt do anything in that class. I couldnt concentrate and i would've felt bad if i moved to the front of the class. My concentration was being distracted. i hate that! So i didnt sit wtih her. i just stayed in the front by myslef. It was all good. i understand it somewhat. Brady was being a loser and talking like a Cuban. Weirdo. and Dustin he hasnt been in school for 2 days. I hope he's alright. math was basically boring. Then we went to lunch and i sat with Ella, Meagan, jessica, another Jessica, Aiela and Ashely. it was boring. We went out to Jessica's car and listened to the radio. and it was STILL boring. Nothing special about that

7th hour:
Nutritional Science class is pretty fun. I have Brianne, Zach and Dustion. But Dustin wasnt here. Anyways, we did some work and talked and laughed the whole time about the most dumbest things. But yea overall it was fun! Zach didnt sing N'Sync today (surprisingly) lol. That was that class.

Then i came home, my baby called me! :D eeekk! i got excited! hehehehe and i have to do a project, (which im paying some girl to do) and i have to study my notes from Science. I came online cause i was bored and that was pretty much my day. Nothing special at all.

LOVE LIFE! :D
Still with the Long Distance thing. I Honestly thought i wasnt gonna actually be able to do it. But it isnt over yet, so i better not jinx it. It's going perfectly well, i love her the same actually even more than before. hehehe. We've had arguments since i left but we're doing better i say. We talked about it. We've been together for 5 months 1 week and 2 days. yea, i know..im a loser! but a loser DEEPLY in love. :D i think in a couple of more days it's gonna be my longest relationship i've been in. I forgot my other but it was around here. YAY! im excited. I love her SSSOOO much! ima see her in 3 weeks and 6 days. Im so anxious! By the time she's here its gonna be 2 1/2 months since ive seen her...thats a loooooong time. But yea, its all good. I cant wait to see her beautiful eyes, smile and sexxxy ass body OoOoOoo...lol. YEA...she's so Perfect. :sigh: i love her! so mucheseses

Well, thats my day and thoughts. So yea until next time hair adubaladubala that's all folks (im trying to imitate the pig, it didint work) but yea!

I LOVE my baby..
Always and Forever

love you

imaqinary

:: 2006 23 November :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: "Dance Party Plus"- Head Automatica

Thanksgiving!

To begin with, Happy Thanksgiving to all. I've had a very good thanksgiving! I woke up pretty early today, around 9 something. Went to my aunt's house to feed the dogs and let them out. I'm taking care of her animals this weekend because she's out of town. I needed money and the opportunity arose, so yeah! lol. Came home, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. That's a pretty cool parade. I wonder how much of our tax dollars go to that every year. Hmmm.... Anyway, time passed and the parade ended. Then, the beloved Dolphin game! 5-6 baby!!!! =] hehehe I'm extremely happy about that game. The final score being 27-10 and all. We whooped 'em! lol I wish I could've watched the game with Alyssa though. =[ Well, my dad had cooked a lot today and his girlfriend came over. It was really fun. We ate turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes... yummmm... lol i think my dad's girlfriend is bringing over an apple pie later on too. I actually prayed.. which is pretty funny because I'm bordering atheism. In about an hour I'm going to go back over to my aunt's to feed the dogs once more. I'm so thankful for so many people. Gees, I can't even name them all. Aly told me that she was thankful for me! yay! =] Tomorrow is the "Choral Thanksgiving" which I need to ask Alyssa about. I'm not sure if I'm going to go yet. Tiffany & I kind of started talking again. It makes me really happy because when we stopped talking, it hurt really bad. It won't ever be the same, but atleast it's something. =] Well, I'm having a pretty damn good day, so I'm going to go.

Love yaaaa!!

Hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving!

��

I love Alyssa
Always & Forever

Here are some icons =]
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1 i pretty much | love you

chorusnerd620

:: 2006 18 November :: 8.44pm
:: Music: How to Save a life- The Fray

Life of course...
Havent update in a while. I hate regretting things. I can honestly say i have never regretted anything in my point in life, until now that i've just discovered one. The Unforunate. The Unexpected in one's life. The description of upsetting nights ive had in two months cant compare to my whole lifetime. To when i got my first heartbreak, to my choice of coming out, to losing my friends, to being afraid of the future. (Which i still am). This cant compare to FINALLY getting the one i love, than having to leave her behind for my studies to persue a life for which we can both live in happiness without any concerns of an argumenative realionship. So our love would'nt end up with Cheating, lying nor Hatred of one another. But it seems my task of attempting a long distance relationship will end up with never finding out how what the future holds for us. My temper, my argumenative conversations, my act of jealousy can really hurt a person, annoy a person... unfortuantely it can mistakingly be towards the one i love. i do not intend for any if these actions i have an act of doing. I know it's my responsiblity to control it, to overcome it. BUt ive been dealing wtih this from the first time ive ever fallen in love. And unfortunately it ended in tradegy of cheating, lying, hating one another and an ending of a great friednship. It took almost 2 years to become friends again. i wish for this not to happen with my new love. I do try, it may not seem like it, but i cant help it. My act of failure has left me in tears, in my barely breathing weeping. An also comes to an conclusion every so often for you to be with someone who would treat you better than i. i should'nt blame this long distance for my act of jealousy, act of anger, sadness. Cause it was still there when i lived in Florida. It seems as if my attempt to try this realtionship further only deepens my brokenheart. But im willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish this difficult task. For i love this girl, i love everything about her, I KNOW my life ends with her. And trying to do wheatever to get ALL her hopes, ALL her dreams. i only wish i could treat her better, the way she's suppose to be treated. I dont wanna lose her, she's my everything. To see her, to hold her, hug her, kiss her, my wanting of her here can't happen. My views of her are only on occassions, sadly months at a time. I only wish i could turn back time, to not have made this regretful mistake. I can honestly say i have never regretted anything in my point in life, until now that i've just discovered one...

1 i pretty much | love you