thats what you get
...i've been dead all day today. after yesterday, getting up at 4:30am to swim for 2 hours before school, going to school all day, and going straight to Lauren's house with Elyse and Lisa after school... walking around all night and staying up till 4am watching movies, i was so tired i couldn't move this morning. but i had to get up again at 9:30am, so i could go to swimming again this morning- didn't get home till 12:30pm and still was moving in slow-motion until i fell back asleep at 3pm today. i just woke up. i can't bring myself to fully wake up tho.. i'm just moving through the motions right now, pretending i'm fully awake. god, its saturday night and i'm sitting in my pajamas, filling up time until the next couple hours i can sleep.

ahh... lowell told me he missed me last night... sighhhh. he also told me he had missed me while he had been talking to sonia rao. damn. i don't know why that's a "damn" statement but its definately not a great statement. but its cool. i'm really just happy lowell and i are still friends and close and whatnot even though i hardly see him during the school day. that sucks. a lot. i wish he were here right now

fun ani lyrics
got a garden of songs
where i grow all my thoughts
with i could harvest one or town
to some small talk
seems like i'm starving for words
whenever your around
nothing on my tongue
but so much in the ground

half the time i got my gaze trained
on your motel door
(4th door from the end)
rest my gaze on a stain
on the carpeted floor
if it weren't for my brain
i'd just go over and make friends.
too bad about my brain
...i'd like to make friends

see the little songbird
unable to make a sound
you never know she follows your words
from town to town
we've both got gardens of songs
so maybe its ok
but i am speechless
so i picked you this bouquet
yep sure am speechless
but i picked you this bouquet

crooked
i can't decide what i want to do right now. i'm almost finished with Cold Sassy Tree and ending it tonight would make me feel too accomplished. but then again, sleeping would be nice but that's not an option.
up again in the wee morning hours.. pondering for something to do. sounds too familiar. sounds like 24 hours ago, in fact. sigh.

i should write some thoughts down or something... but on here its so open and marking "private" on this page makes me feel like i haven't really done anything at all online. so here goes. thoughts...:
-i kind of wish i never got online last night. never would have had that repeat conversation (although it was probably inevitable). but i never would have been as upset. unable to think/sleep. hell, i could think plenty.. i just didn't know what to do with the thoughts that came.
-i always knew he never liked me. but that's what kills me-sometimes it seemed as though he did, and other times the things he said would trip me up and i couldn't tell a damn thing right. like bringing up how once i told him that when i "have" guys, i lose interest.. how he hasn't forgotten that. it just makes me wonder. is that just something to say to make me feel better- to make me think that maybe he likes me but won't give in because he doesn't want me to lose interest? give in to what??? god.
-every time i say i want more, we misunderstand each other. wanting more means so many different things to people- i've realized that recently.
-what more i want: me to open up. me to make moves... to feel completely comforatble with him.. honesty from him. benefits would be nice. i wish he knew what i meant about stuff- i wish we wouldn't misunderstand each other when i say i want more. i want more of him but not more status- not more formality.
-i cannot seem to tell the difference between being really close with someone- talking to them a lot, and hanging out with them and having a few benefits on the side and being "more than friends." other than the status pro quo, what is the difference?
-i'm sick of this
-i'm sure he is too.. sick of me that is.
-but i decided last night to drop any guards i have up. any at all. i guess thats partly why i'm just writing all this stuff down in here. i've decided not to care anymore. not to ever worry. live today as if i'm going to be run over by a truck tomorrow..
-yoowwww my arms hurt from swimming. i haven't swam that much butterfly in one day since training in 8th grade.
-i wonder if i could tell if i was crying in the pool. hmm.

like a school kid.. i'm already waiting for the spring and i haven't even had my first day of school yet. shit

fell asleep at 7am, woke up at 9am for swimming. swam for hours. now sitting here listening to music i haven't listened to in years. random thoughts running through my head- none of which make sense. all i know is this morning i woke up and my jaw was clenched so tight i almost couldn't move it the rest of the day. it still hurts...

yowww

rain
fight
with me
shove me
hard
let your emotions glare at me
from large eyes
and an elongated ego
let them run
run through me
let them fly.
changes of me
to me
don't come easy

but i have changed
because...
because i can
because i am
wanting
because of you
i've done so little
and changed so much
everythings changed-
my love for you...
went from denial
to passion
to friendship
when will this CYCLE
of up
and down
ever end?

i'm not asking for anything
a little warmth
from time to time
would help
a little ice
to knock me down
would suffice



i've never really mastered
the mask of dis-interest...

instead of kneeling in the sand
..back in ftwayne..

kinda sad to not wake up beside 3 other girls (although elyse spent the night last night after we went to taylor's)...it's weird to be alone though, it really is. i feel like i did after i came home from outward bound... like where are all the people? i miss them already...

school shopping today. meeting my new swimming coach/trainer. ehh, work is really gonna start next week.. makes me so sad.. i saw some school people yesterday at the tennis/soccer games that were rained out.. steph and donni and caitlin and jess and lisa and them.. lauren and lowell and taylor.. it was nice to see lowell and taylor and lauren and steph- but other than that... ever since i had that last panic attack i'm almost in fear of having another. like yesterday i was. then my hands started shaking when we came back to my house- but that's probably just because of the djarums... and taylor's was pretty.. cool, actually. pretty comfortable. we "bonded" as elyse later said. ..

ehh.. i have so much to read... i haven't all day either. its just not happening.

singing the same lines all over again.. story of my life

...i guess allie's journal says most of what happened last night.. i just remember elyse being so nice and beautiful to me... and taking lots of pictures which i can't wait to develop. i kept thinknig about lowell, i remember that too- and talking about him.

the good thing about it was that (besides the 10 minutes when i couldn't breathe because of crying) it was an awesome night. i love my friends

isle 5
kevin, seth and ben are coming over tonight. 3 boys- 4 girls, 1 bottle of wine, 10 smirnoff's and some weed. hmmmmm... that whole thing about dropping the kevin deal? allie told me i shouldn't... and i can't decide. but he's coming over in 30 minutes, so i guess i'll figure it out...too soon...

the concert was pretty fun last night... couldn't really get into core project but i really liked lojic and duke 45, and talking to the lead guy of just add water was pretty cool too... ahhh i'm just typing to take my mind off of other more important things.

i miss BEING with allie. this past week it doesn't feel like we're together at all... i don't know if she feels the same way, or if she wants it this way, but i guess having elyse here has given me less time for just allie. hmmm... i would give up all this crappy chasing guy stuff for her...

could have passed you up.
...goin to the core project concert tonight with elyse, ben and brian. hooray! no kevin, it seems. seems brian doesn't appreciate kevin as much as the rest of us- so just us 4 for now. i dont know why everyone is making this such a big deal. kevin's a good kid, and so what if he was just "chatting me up" or however brian put it.. what if i was just chatting him up? ....


i'll just drop it for now. i'm only here for another day-i probably shouldn't call kevin or anything like that.. no, nothing fun and exciting like that, of course....
i need a shower. here i go.