xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 6 December :: 10.28pm
everything that has happened in the past week or so has felt hazy, almost druglike.
not in the good way. in the sense that things move either really fast or really slow.
i can't tell the difference between reality and dreams.
i didn't sleep for 4 nights in a row.
and now i've been sleeping for entire days at a time.
i don't want to die. it's just that i don't like waking up.
i'm sick. both mentally and physically. i threw up blood yesterday.
i'd like to think it's just nerves but i've been feeling light-headed and dizzy today.
something is wrong. but i want to wait it out and just shake it off.
people think it's just because of the break up.
it's not. sure i miss him. but i wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him, and i realize this.
i just let myself fall too far.
i'm not sure if i should try moving on. he called me and said he wanted it to just be a break and that he was really sorry.
it's confusing. he's confusing.
he kissed me yesterday. we didn't mean for it to happen.
but i can tell stuff like that is going to happen.
i can tell he still loves me.
because we just looked at eachother and got caught up in it.
i don't know why he's doing this.
i need to take a walk.
or do something to clear my mind.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 1 December :: 11.45pm
i'm heartbroken. newly single.
and in love with "just a friend."
3 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 30 November :: 7.06pm
things are slipping away from me.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 12 November :: 11.18pm
it's not his fault.
i just need to adjust.
3 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 18 October :: 10.50pm
nothing seems real anymore.
i can't look at somebody without wondering what they're seeing...
or wondering if they're having problems, too.
and i can't look at myself in the mirror without having to stop and realize...
that it's me i'm looking at. and i'm actually living my life.
all of this is actually happening.
it seems so simple, but it's so hard for me to comprehend.
i can't be around someone,
without wondering if people can tell that i'm falling apart.
...am i falling apart? or do i just feel like i should be?
i tried so hard to help. i wanted things to get better.
i was affectionate and kind, and when that didn't work,
i screamed so loud that it hurt.
i said hateful things and harsh words. that needed to be said.
"tough love," i guess you call it.
i don't know what's happening.
i hate how i've lost grip.
i just want my life back.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 9 October :: 10.17pm
life is confusing.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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imugly
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2006 7 October :: 3.50pm
the god of mischief sooo saved my ass today.
FlydLiceNSupplys: i am sooo glad ashley's grounded and GE wont pick up his phone
FlydLiceNSupplys: i just talked to my dad to ask where he is cuz he didnt tell me where he was going
FlydLiceNSupplys: and you will not believe where he is
FlydLiceNSupplys: HES AT HIS OFFICE!
one HitW0nderful: HAHAHA!
one HitW0nderful: :-)
one HitW0nderful: I totally predicted that
one HitW0nderful: you
one HitW0nderful: can kiss my ass for that one
Curiousity screams
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ImUgly
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2006 3 October :: 11.11am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: fiend club(misfits)
we're not losers all of the time
i want my mom back.
i want my friends back.
i want my mia.
my mia.
mine.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 8 October :: 11.11pm
tonight.
i'm so attached it scares me.
for the first time in my life,
i am 100% sure that i am in love.
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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ImUgly
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2006 25 September :: 10.57pm
:: Music: walk like a zombie (horrorpops)
oh!oh!
hm, last night i met:
-jim heath
-patricia day
-naomi
i am happy.
and i think nick like broke my chest.
im36cent: well today was my first day of not quartet
FlydLiceNSupplys: that doesnt even make sense
im36cent: yeah so
im36cent: yeah if you think my love tap like nearly killed you then how much better can 4 sissies be
i have never skanked so much in my entire life.
i stood about a foot away from kim nekroman and kamilla vanilla. i got a picture too.
there were also several occasions i almost died of excitement.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 27 September :: 2.09pm
things aren't getting better.
i kind of stopped caring.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 19 September :: 4.08pm
:: Music: the smiths- asleep
i just finished the perks of being a wallflower.
it touched my heart.
i believe it's the best book i've ever read.
i'm sad. not just because it was a sad book,
but because i'm done reading it.
and i can never read it again without knowing what's going to happen.
things got out of control with my family last night.
i cried myself to sleep,
and slept in until zack was at my house to pick me up for school this morning.
i don't know if that really matters.
...he is so sweet to me.
i don't want him to ever change.
4 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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imugly
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2006 19 September :: 11.50am
:: Music: sign of the zodiac (rasputina)
i know what you need
i havent posted in here in a looong time. im sorry.
i just got back from chicago. it was very fun. the weather was beautiful. actually, we just drove around the whole time cuz we rented a car. i like the last time we went better cuz we stayed right down town and walked or took the subway. and we didnt have to pay 39 bucs a night for parking.
oh yeah, and by being there, i missed michal graves being in ocala. -_-; not cool at all. especially when all my friends are like "man wasnt that show amazing??!" and im like "i wasnt even there" and theyre like "oh.... where were you?" becuase they didnt even realize i was gone. what great "friends".
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 18 September :: 3.12pm
today makes it 6 months.
:]
i'm happy.
and sad.
...but mostly happy.
i'm reading the perks of being a wallflower.
it's good.
i miss carly.
and i love her alot,
even if she doesn't see that anymore.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 14 September :: 9.33pm
i would kill for a video ipod.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 8 September :: 2.45pm
i'm in computer apps.
and puffgames.com is one of the coolest websites i've ever been to.
:]
the guy who sits next to me has the coolest last name ever.
pevonka.
haha.
i miss being able to see zack whenever i want to.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 4 September :: 1.45pm
i feel like i don't have a family anymore.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 27 August :: 6.18pm
i fell farther every day this summer.
for the first time in my life, i'm in a real relationship,
with no distance or anything that could ruin it.
school starts back tomorrow.
i'm crying.
i'm stupid.
it's not like i'm never going to see him again.
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 25 August :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: contemplative
if you really did love me more than anyone else in the world...
you wouldn't let a(n) asshole/douche bag/shit head/dick/jerk/mother fucker/wigger/pot head who thinks he's better than everybody else take you away from me.
and yes, i forgive you. people change, i understand that. people get caught up in things, i understand that as well. just as of now, i don't want you to think i'm going to sit around thinking things are how they used to be, or even okay. i'm sure they can be, eventually. when you're done letting that asshole treat you like shit and walk all over you.
i can't promise that when you're ready to be yourself again there will be some fucking gumdrop-fairy-unicorn land recovery.
(although there very likely could be, considering the kind of people we are.)
i still love you, carly. you'll always be my favourite person. you'll always be in my life. (there is no escaping me, mwahaha.) i'll always be able to come to you when i need you (unless you're with douche man.) and i hope you'll be able to come to me, too. i know you're sad. that's not you. carly is not a sad person. do what it takes to make yourself happy.
if it's staying with an asshole just so you have someone to hold on to, do that i guess.
but if it's breaking up with him and catching shit for it, deal with the shit. then get over it.
you only have one year left here, how do you want to spend it?
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 23 August :: 6.16pm
:: Mood: apathetic.
my mom tried to run over me yesterday.
i'm wondering why i don't care.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 16 August :: 1.50pm
yesterday scared me.
i felt... distance.
but as the night went on, it went away.
he never ceases to amaze me.
little things make me happy.
like his mom giving me cap erasers.
and bringing in his baby pictures.
i love him.
...
this is totally off subject.
but i'm looking out of my window at all the people zooming around in their boats...
it's prettier when the boats aren't there.
i want them to crash into eachother.
1 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 15 August :: 12.33pm
my friend and i are trying to get our photos on jones soda bottles.
you could vote if you'd like, it would make me happy.
[mine.]
[mine.]
[mine.]
[aisha's]
[aisha's]
2 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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ImUgly
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2006 13 August :: 7.42pm
:: Music: im not a loser(the descendents)
youre not like the other people here at the trailor park...
why is everyone so homophobic?
Curiousity screams
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2006 12 August :: 10.03am
i want my sister back.
4 Open this door |
Curiousity screams
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