the sun shines but i don't

Fool enough to almost be it Cool enough to not quite see it Doomed Pick your pockets full of sorrow And run away with me tomorrow June We'll try and ease the pain But somehow we'll feel the same Well, no one knows Where our secrets go I send a heart to all my dearies When your life is so, so dreary Dream I'm rumored to the straight and narrow While the harlots of my perils Scream And I fail But when I can, I will Try to understand That when I can, I will Mother weep the years I'm missing All our time can't be given Back Shut my mouth and strike the demons That cursed you and your reasons Out of hand and out of season Out of love and out of feeling So bad When I can, I will Words defy the plans When I can, I will Fool enough to almost be it And cool enough to not quite see it And old enough to always feel this Always old, I'll always feel this No more promise no more sorrow No longer will I follow Can anybody hear me I just want to be me When I can, I will Try to understand That when I can, I will

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the sun shines but i don't

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:: 2008 14 March :: 11.45pm

I saw The Darjeeling Limited tonight. My life will never be the same again. It was fantastic.

I am getting my haircut tomorrow.

I accidentally burnt myself again. I am awesome. It was pretty stupid, the way it happened.

My left shift key is making a cool noise. I'm sure it's not good but it's a cool typewriter noise. The letter a is making a quieter version of the same noise. I would love to have a typewriter.

I am also doing karaoke tomorrow. Call me and let me know if you want to come along.

:: 2008 14 March :: 6.55pm

hey loved ones:

i've been working 12hrs/day and saturdays and this weekend i am working saturday AND sunday. i was also without internet for the first couple of weeks in this new place.

will update after april 15.

just kidding.

have some things to bitch about.

i know everyone's going through hard shit... i'm sorry. i wish plante & moran wasn't raping me, otherwise i'd be a good friend.

:: 2008 11 March :: 12.41am

PHOTOBLOG POWERS ACTIVATE.

All thanks go to Andy who helped me with the password that I constantly forget.

:: 2008 9 March :: 9.35pm

Hey, about that last entry? I just needed to get all that off my chest. I'm not apologizing or taking any of it back or anything and you guys are free to hate me or fight me or whatever. I just figured you ought to know where it came from.

I do not want to go back to school tomorrow. I am pretty pumped to see Henry Winkler though.

The movie Rudy made me want to go to Notre Dame. It never happened obviously but that was my dream because of that movie.

I went to the Women's Expo with Nick's mom and sisters early this morning. We popped over to the Wedding Expo too because Nick's little sister is getting married. Strangely this expo did not make me want to get married.

I am pumped for spring.

:: 2008 9 March :: 3.20am
:: Mood: honest

Bitches, I am sick and tired of putting all this effort into friendships when you guys aren't doing anything in return. I'm done, people. I am so done. And I am completely over you. I have tried, I have called, I have talked. I have loved, I have hated. I am completely done.

Oh, and Andy? I know what you said about me. I know what you have said about Katti. I thought you were an okay person but apparently I was wrong. I never realized you were such an asshole.

Ben, way to leave me hanging like you always do. It's always for another woman too.

Jessa, I think the way that you treat your marriage and your child is ridiculous. You have basically cut that part of your life out and that "horribly rankles me." It happened, you need to deal with it and admit it instead of completely ignoring three years or you might have some issues in the future.

Anyway, I know I'm being a bitch, all judgmental and whatever but I just need to get it all out.

:: 2008 7 March :: 11.03pm

I am way too hormonal lately. I watched Martian Child the other day with Nick and cried. I've been reading Marian Keyes and crying for no reason. I watched New Amsterdam and cried.

Silly woman-ness.

I'm supposed to pick up the girls tonight. I was all ready to get them at 11:53 but their plane done gone and got delayed and isn't coming in until ~~1:08 1:13 1:23 1:29~~ 1:22. I best not get sleepy or we're going to have issues.

:: 2008 6 March :: 11.58pm

I worked from 11-5 then babysat from 6-11.

I am wiped out. I don't want to go to bed though because I feel like I just wasted my day.

I got a new phone. News at 11.

:: 2008 5 March :: 10.57pm

You know that girl in your math class who knew your professor really well because she babysat his kids?

Yeah, tomorrow I am totally that girl. Just replace math with folk and square dance.

I just hope it goes well. I haven't babysat in about three years. The kids seemed awesome and they will be asleep for half the time I'm there anyway. I'm just nervous for nervous sake I suppose.

:: 2008 5 March :: 12.35am

I do so enjoy receiving drunk phone calls. Especially when they include stories of mysterious makeouts in the oldest bar in Boston. Next time you're drunk, give me a ring.

I am terribly jealous that my friends are wandering around Boston and getting trashed at ancient bars. I am sitting here trying not to think about how I just indirectly admitted to Nick that sometimes I miss the opportunities I would have if I were single and planning my bus ride to work tomorrow. This adult stuff sucks.

I just want to party like any other college kid during my spring break.

It's nighttime, I'm getting down like I usually do.

Nick mentioned that the reason I might not be yearning for children like I usually am is because we have kitties. I think that he's right but I want to think that I'm over the marriage and children thing. I want to think that I am okay with where I am right now and I don't need any of that other stuff. And I do think that. I am convincing myself so far so who knows if it's true or not.

Blah blah blah.

I need a vacation. But not the kind I keep giving myself. I need a college kid, let it all hang out, party til dawn vacation.

I don't know what else I was going to say. Who wants to pretend we're all getting married and go try on wedding dresses? It'll be like playing dress-up.

:: 2008 4 March :: 6.17pm

As excited as I am for spring and summer, and as pumped as yesterday made me feel for spring (I sat in bed with my laptop and the bedroom window open, listening to the 40 degree air blowing and birds (!) chirping), I really like that during winter I can throw on a pair of jeans, shove my coat on over the ratty T-shirt I've been sitting in all day, slide on some shoes (sans socks) and pop up my hood to walk up the street and go drop off rent. Winter saves me from having to put real clothes on, take a shower, brush my hair, make sure I don't look like I've been sitting around all day and find shoes to walk in. Luckily, the office was closed so I didn't even have to see anybody and it was warm enough and dry enough that I got to wear shoes instead of boots.

All convenience of the last five minutes aside, yesterday made me really want spring to come. I heard birds chirping. BIRDS! Not ducks, not geese, real live birds. And I opened a window and turned the heat down. And I thought about not wearing a coat. I had options! I wore shoes, like today, shoes!

I am really sick of living in a place with snow. I think this snow and winter crap is hitting me harder because last year I was on the beach and tanning. Or at least thinking about it by now. I don't want to have to deal with it anymore.

This cat needs to learn how to use his claws. He just tries to pull them off instead of sliding his paw forward. I usually just let him sit there a minute trying to figure it out before I help him.

My friends are in Boston this week looking at grad schools. Which is cool except I could be hanging out with them instead of freaking out about what I'm going to do after graduation. And after they leave me.

I think I'm going to play Zelda. For some reason, Nick HATES me playing the game in the same room he's in. It doesn't even matter that I say he's not watching me play. Apparently he is watching me, just like he's watching TV, even while he's on the computer. Whatever. It just makes me mad that he can complain all he wants when I do stuff on the TV while he's on the computer but when he does anything on the TV and I complain a little, I'm being an asshole. /rant

I want to dress up. I have tons of dresses and nothing to wear them to. We need to have a dressy party or something. I can't wait until it's warm. I'll never wear pants or shoes again. It's shorts, skirts, dresses and short pants from the first warm day on.

There was lightening on Sunday. It was awesome.

The end.

:: 2008 29 February :: 11.29pm

The end of Stranger Than Fiction is my favorite part. I love that movie.

I am seriously thinking about getting a tattoo. I have zero money so it's not plausible right now (or anytime soon). I also want to wait a few months to make sure I absolutely do want it and it's not just a temporary want. Also, Nick doesn't like tattoos so don't mention it to him. I probably won't be able to get it anyway since we share funds and he thinks tattoos are silly. But I was just thinking about it so I thought I'd put it out there.

I want to participate in a die-in. It sounds like a lot of fun.

:: 2008 29 February :: 4.51pm
:: Music: Misery

Okay, seriously blogging now
I keep playing Iron Dukes even though I am really, very terrible at it.

Have you watched Drunk History yet? I resisted it for a long time but I just watched the episodes and it is quite hilarious. It's like if you filmed me drunk and I was making up stories like I always do.

I am watching Misery for the first time. I've seen some of it before but never all of it all the way through. I always thought it was so self-centered how Stephen King wrote a book about a writer being held hostage by a crazy fan. I mean, seriously.

I am waiting on one more book. I have all of them except Rachel's Holiday. I finished Watermelon last night. It was great. I am so excited to read the rest of her books and Anybody Out There? again. Oh that book is so good!

I'm debating whether or not to save the rest of Marian Keyes' books for last. I might just plow through them. I have break next week so I can always reread them if I want.

I don't really have anything else to say. I am dirt poor again. I don't even have enough money for rent. We're going to try to borrow some from Nick's parents and I'll ask my parents for a little too. I just don't know what happened. We somehow overdrafted our account again. Ugh. I would like our funds to balance out again. Sorry, you don't really need to know that.

[edit 6:26]
Phil Collins is just not as awesome in other languages. It sounds so weird. I always say that awkward sounding songs sound translated and that's really what it's like. Except it is translated. Okay, if I don't look at the lyrics and only half listen it's okay. His French accent is really harsh. His Spanish is okay, just over-exaggerated. Not like mine is any better and I'm really proud of him for signing the different versions. I'm just nitpicking because I have nothing else to do. I just realized that the one version is French Canadian so that might be why it seems so much weirder to me than the other. I'm sorry I ever said anything bad about you, Phil Collins.

Okay so now I'm watching Disney songs on YouTube. I am really surprised that I remember all the lyrics of these. And the ones in French are awesome. I am officially a dork. (I totally forgot about Strangers Like Me. I'm stuck on Tarzan songs now. I'm moving away from Tarzan by listening to songs from Prince of Egypt. (I know that's not Disney but that darn When You Believe song is awesome. It gets stuck in my head every time I hear it.))

Apparently Phil Collins is better in Italian? That's what the rumors seem to be. I'll check it out. Okay, Italian Phil Collins is awesome. Or maybe just because I don't know Italian it's better for me? I'm just going to put question marks on the ends of all my sentences now?

:: 2008 27 February :: 9.45pm

god, i want to go out west again soon. a road trip. mmm.

:: 2008 27 February :: 4.28pm

I stayed home today. Last night I couldn't sleep and kept waking up and feeling nauseated. Then I woke up this morning feeling the same way. And I still sort of feel queasy. I feel like I'm going to throw up in a couple minutes but that's how it's been all night. Just that almost throwing up feeling.

I'm still blaming the Salt Lake City air. I should probably eat something but we don't have anything that I don't have to make. Which is a bummer.

A building exploded in Eastown last night. Everyone is okay and it wasn't a usual haunt but it was freaky all the same.

:: 2008 26 February :: 11.02pm

First off, I would like to thank you all for visiting my friends' blog. They were quite overjoyed at the amount of visitors to their site.

Secondly, I received two more books in the mail! I got Pontoon and Watermelon. Pontoon is a former library book from the Riverton Library in Riverton, Utah. I don't know why it got turned around so quickly, this book is still only in hardcover, but the stamp says "out-of-date material." I think it also came with some sort of Salt Lake County air because now I have a headache. That could also be because I am DEAD TIRED. Watermelon looks fine, it's gently used and I am excited to read it.

So I'm just waiting on Anybody Out There?, Rachel's Holiday and Angels.

I love getting mail.

I'm not feeling too hot. I got free coffee today and I think it did funny things to my stomach. I didn't have that much to eat before I drank a lot of coffee so that's probably my issue.

:: 2008 25 February :: 11.56pm

This is how you can tell that these people are my friends
At the same time I was LIVEBLOGGING last night, my good French semester abroad friends were doing THE SAME THING. My friends and I are meant to be together. Really. We are made for each other.

If you want to read their awesome (color-coded, triple-personality) liveblog of last night's events, you can just pop over here. They are hoping to get really popular and miraculously make a lot of money so they don't have to get real jobs after graduation.

Speaking of which, I am all out of friends after this semester. I realize though that I said this before I left for France and magically got friends so I'm not too worried. I am losing some of my very best friends this year so I am full of sadness. On a happier note, they want to go camping (?) this summer and have invited me along. That will be an adventure.

I love you all.

:: 2008 24 February :: 10.11pm

LIVEBLOGGING - 80TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS
Falling Slowly (from Once) is nominated and they're singing it right now. I love that song.

It Happened One Night is the movie where the girl shows her leg to get a ride. Remember to tell Hannah that.

I am behind a bit (good ole DVR) so these times are off.
[10:41] That honorary Oscar guy was adorable.
[10:46] Seriously? How many songs from Enchanted are nominated? Also, Patrick Dempsey is a dreamboat.
[10:49] Answer: three.
[10:51] Falling Slowly won! I am so happy. That's one of my favorite songs.
[10:58] Jon just pulled that cute little girl back out to say her thank you because she didn't get the chance to. That is so cute.
[11:01] HEY IT'S PAUL DANO! I forgot he was in that movie. He is also a dreamboat.
[11:02] I've been waiting for the In Memoriam part. It's my favorite. Oh, Heath.
[11:05] Deborah Kerr died? Aw.
[11:25] Diablo Cody won for Juno and she's dressed like one of the Flintstones.
[11:26] Nick: You have a problem with what everyone is wearing tonight. Me: That's because everyone is wearing something ugly.
[11:26] Ellen Page looks adorable.
[11:33] It needs to speed up. Nick and I are hungry.
[11:45] SPOILER ALERT:No Country for Old Men won Best Pic. Surprise, surprise. Time to go get me some tacos.

Movies I want to see (that the Oscars are reminding me of):
Once (STILL! It's on DVD now so I guess I can rent it.)
Away from Her
The Savages
La Vie en Rose
The Squid and the Whale
All 100 films on AFI's list
The Heiress (encore, je sais, I really like this movie.)
The Darjeeling Limited (on DVD on the 26th)
Penelope (in theaters the 29th)
Any movie released when I was gone
Gone with the Wind
An American in Paris
The French Connection
Kramer vs. Kramer
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Rushmore (so I have all the Wes Anderson films under my belt)
Freeheld
Lars and the Real Girl
Ratatouille
The Last King of Scotland
Sweeney Todd

:: 2008 23 February :: 8.39pm

We did not end up going to the hockey game because everyone bailed on us.

Oh well. I went out last night so I didn't really feel like going anyway. It was meant to be or something.

:: 2008 23 February :: 3.42pm

I got Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: an Introduction. Good old J.D. Salinger.

I am quite excited to read it but I might leave it for last and read the other two books first.

We are going to a hockey game tonight. Nick and I went to one last week and I had a lot of fun so I'm pretty excited for this one.

:: 2008 21 February :: 9.06pm

The books I bought
Marian Keyes' Walsh Family Books (Anybody Out There?, Watermelon, Rachel's Holiday and Angels)

Ready or Not (the second All-American girl book) by Meg Cabot

It Happened One Autumn (some trashy romance novel: "Four young ladies enter London society with one necessary goal: they must use their wit and feminine wiles to find a husband. So they band together, and a daring husband-hunting scheme is born." It was five dollars and got good reviews. I'm a sucker for historical romance.)

Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: an Introduction (This will make my J.D. Salinger collect complete. I am a sucker for the Glass family. Also: two dalla.)

Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon (I read an except and my life was forever changed. It's an ex-library copy apparently so it's cheap.)

I got a package but I have yet to open it so I don't know which books are in it. I'll let you know.

Oh I've read Anybody Out There? and it was SO GOOD. Seriously. SO. GOOD. All of her books are like that apparently. With the goodness.

[edit] I received the two books that I cared the least about: trashy romance and the second All-American Girl novel. I am pretty pumped for the rest of my books.

:: 2008 19 February :: 9.20pm

This message brought to you by 2004!
The Valentine's Day bunny (my dad) gave to me a gift card for Barnes and Noble. I used it yesterday on four books and then two hours later remembered the four books that I actually wanted and ordered four more. Half will arrive on Thursday and half will be sent out on Thursday. I am excited. I love getting packages and I love books.

I think that tonight I am going to gather up all the books Katti let me borrow and sort them into "have read" and "have not read" piles so I can start sending those back to her.

I also need to do laundry. I just keep rewearing shirts and it's not that great of an idea anymore. Also, I need a shower.

The week after next is my spring break. I am pumped. I need to figure out tomorrow what I'm going to work over break.

I have a lot to do.

To Do:
Finish FAFSA
Finish Meijer scholarship
Do French scholarship
Ask Emily for a ride next Tuesday
Figure out work schedule for spring break
Schedule fall semester classes
Start researching my final papers before the end of April
Think of two profs for recommendation letters
Finish resume
Apply to FBI job
Find more money for next semester (scholarship search!)
Do laundry
Vacuum
Clean up the bathrooms
Pay bills
Find a job for after graduation
Get Hannah a present?
Find and gather all of Katti's books

I have a lot to do. I'm going to have to actually get on this at some point instead of just talking about it.

The Westboro Baptist Church Counter-protest has changed into boring stuff I don't want to do. I wanted blood and arguments and spitting and fights. They want support and a party. Lame posers.

:: 2008 18 February :: 11.39pm

Upon graduation next year, I will be over $20,000 in debt. Awesome. I just wish I would win the lottery or some rich person would bequeath tons of money to me.

My sister turns 17 on Thursday. That makes me feel old.

:: 2008 14 February :: 8.03pm

Happy VD!

Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

:: 2008 13 February :: 11.19pm

My icon journal is pretty dead since I don't remember my password and greatestjournal doesn't host pics anymore. I guess it's fine since I can put them on flickr or whatever but I have to get them off greatestjournal and right now I just don't have time. And I can't remember my password so I can't edit the entries.

Sorry, peeps.

If my password ever comes back to me, I'm going to make it my photoblog. I've tried every password I've ever used so it must be one I just used for that journal. Aidez-moi, y'all!

I am watching the last episode of Project Runway before Fashion Week. I shamelessly love this show.

I love you all.

P.S. "Image Hosting: This feature was disabled over a year ago; images that had previously been uploaded have been purged."

So all my icons are gone. Awesome. I don't even know if they're still on my parents' computer. If you have any of the icons I made, it'd be cool if you could email me a copy (onceloviikyu@gmail.com). That'd be great.

This kind of upsets me. I'm just going to remember my password, move on and make it a photoblog.

:: 2008 12 February :: 12.12am

BLOGGING!
Every time I do my laundry at midnight I think "hmm maybe I shouldn't be running the abnormally loud washing machine at midnight" but then I remember that ABG has come running up here and complained to us about everything we do so if he has a problem, I'm sure he'll let us know.

Since Nick doesn't get home until nine, I usually don't end up doing much housework until after ten. This includes vacuuming. I always feel very conscious of any noise I make after nine, the unofficial "quiet time," especially since our apartment building is usually extremely quiet.

I am writing a page for Humanities tomorrow but I think I'll go take a shower and call it good until tomorrow.

:: 2008 11 February :: 11.57pm

i hope everyone is doing well, feeling alive, and can enjoy something worthwhile today.

:: 2008 10 February :: 7.16pm

I love when people who don't have kids but only watch (babysit/daycare) or teach them talk about how kids act or how they should behave. Like those 3-8 hours are representative of how the child is. Or how the parent raises them.

It disgusts me. Especially when they are basing their judgments on a TV show that has been edited to only show certain parts. So when one kid hits the other one, the kids beat on each other all the time. And when the parents are crabby during one episode, they're overbearing tyrants.

Seriously, people? This is all you have to do? You just sit in front of the TV watching this one show and then go online and complain about the half hour of parenting you see these people, the people you don't even KNOW or have even ever MET, do on ONE DAY?

The world is kind of disgusting me today. Also, Mitt Romney says if the democrats win, the terrorists win. I'm kind of tiring of hearing about the terrorists winning because of the opposite political party. This fear mongering shit is getting old, people. The sad thing is that it works on some people. Those same people are probably really excited for Larry the Cable Guy in Witness Protection.

:: 2008 9 February :: 2.42pm

The only role I can stand Julia Roberts in seems to be Tinkerbell in Hook. She's not grumpy, at some points she's smiling and moving her arms. She has a different look on her face than that same look she has in every other movie she's in.

That same look:Read more..

:: 2008 6 February :: 5.16pm

c/o defectiveyeti.com - awesome blog btw

EPIC

:: 2008 6 February :: 11.16am

tax tip
this may be more news to me than anyone else, but you can claim money paid to the sec. of state for license plates, registration, etc. as deductions.

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