Excuse me while i rant here...

when is love really love? how do you know, and how can you tell? there are so many things to consider, how could you ever be truely sure? people can manipulate others so easily when they are vulnerable, maybe they say that they love you early on in a relationship without really meaning it, but of course you think they do becuse that is not something that can easily be lied about for most people. how were your previous relationships? were they all good experiences, or bad ones? how recent was the last one and how long did you wait between them? was it all a big rush or something that you just eased into like your favorite pair of jeans? how can you really tell if someone loves you? do they leave for days on end w/out telling you where they are? then when you confront them about it, they stop, of course, but for how long? how long does it last before they start the same crap again? it depends on the person and how dedicated they are to the relationship. recently someone very close to me has had something like this happen, and that makes me wonder what love is, and why something so painful is what people seek so vigorously? if someone loves you as much as they say they do, would they ever hurt you? no, of course not, but how can you tell when they are sincere in their apologies? you cant. it all comes down to trust, everything in the whole world is based on trust. what happens when you lose this trust? more then likely, and unfortunately, as i have recently discovered, you lose the relationship, most likely forever, which is a VERY hard thing to swallow if you dont see it coming. but then how do you move on after that, still loving the person who you know is your soul mate, and everything and everyone tells you is your soul mate? you could ask god? but most people are "too busy" for god, OR they keep pushing the one they love away, inadvertantly. what about a rebound relationship? there must be one of those, they never last, since sex isnt the greatest foundation for a lasting relationship, but sometimes its a necessary evil in the healing process. but what do they do other then that? i wish i had an answer for that one myself, i have only / will only ever have one true love in my life, i know, everyone has told me, i prayed about it for weeks now, and everything in my life has told me that she was the one. that begs the question, how can you make her believe that as well, after making such a big mistake? the only answer to that is faith. faith in her, faith in yourself, faith in god, just faith. you have to believe that it will happen, PRAY that it will happen, and hope to god that it will happen. however, what if it doesnt happen? well then you'd better hope to hell that you can occupy your time with alot of shit cuz its gonna be a long life. personally, i have tried to let go, many times now, ive even tried convincing myself that the one i love is horrible person, but nothing ever works and i always end up back where i started. how can you get passed the person that you were already making plans to spend the rest of your life with? what the hell does a person with their life then? in most cases nothing, they just wither away and fade into the shadows. no matter how good of friends you become it will never be the same as long as there is another person in their lives. maybe one of you will forget, but the other will always be there, longing for their mate, reaching out into the darkness, hoping that they will reach back and touch you, praying for some sign, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. and its a very dark tunnel, you could walk years on end and still never find an exit, and even if you did, would it be something that you found acceptable on the other side? or just something that will do for the time being? i, for one am not looking for a short term relationship, i have already found the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and then i pissed it away because of my own ignorance and stupidity. no im not asking for pity here, im just stating what i believe, trying to make some sense of this whole debacle, hoping that logic can conquer my own emotions. if only to soothe my mind for a couple hours so i can get some sleep. but what about tomorrow? what happens next? probably more of the same, its just like the movie, "Ground Hogs Day", repeating the same things, over and over again, hoping that one day, something will change. but you know what? things probably wont change, and that leads us back to where we were before, back to the beginning of this whole situation, depression. how can a person be so moody? could a person become Bi-Polar from such an incident? would finding someone else fix the issue? whose to say? it all depends on the person i guess. i just want to understand things that cannot be understood or explained. like how a person could do something like that to someone else, that they had previously talked about marriage with. what would you do with the ring you almost bought the week before? do you give it to them anyways? return it? or keep it in the false hope of something ever coming of the past relationship? what if your in a relationsip with someone and it gets too comfortable? well, as far as im concerned you can never be too comfortable with someone, after all, if your not comfortable with them, then how are you sleeping in the same bed with them? however, in other situations, being too comfortable can be a bad thing, in my case, you are blinded to the things that would indicate that your relationship is going down the shitter. you miss the simple things, like your mate's cries for help in times of need, albeit they are suttle, but looking back they are as clear as day. or the lack of making your mate giddy all the time, where does that go, and how do you stop it from going away? what if someone got so comfortable in a relationship that one person would just leave for the night without saying a word? then when they show back up the next day, or a few days later in some extreme cases, do you say something too them, and risk getting in a fight? obviously you cant just let it slide. but what if you do let it slide? more then likely it will just happen again, and again, and only get worse as time progresses. at what point does the relationship become worthless, after all, you only get back out what you put into it in the first place right? you could tell them how it makes you feel, but what if they have little or no communication skills? you could show them how it feels by doing the same thing. sure, that might work, but for how long? what do you do when your living with someone who may not care what you think anymore and is going to do whatever they like anyways that you think it might be best to end the relationship? ok, now what if we throw a wrench into the situation by adding the fact that the person whose name is on the lease doesnt currently have a job? and the other does, a well paying one at that... interesting huh?



ohh...thought of more to add...but then deleted it becuase it just woulda been a lie, and thats something that i have been doing less and less of lately

*a couple hours later*

holy shit did that make me feel better

and then i talked to you and feel like shit

Got a Penny?