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2004 1 November :: 1.49 am
On Saturday the 30th, I went to Calibretto concert, and it was lots of fun. Everyone was in costume (or at least most people), and Link came. I'd missed him more than I'd been willing to admit to him, because I knew he would take it the wrong way.
He was a big ball of angst, as usual... but it was good to see him. He seemed particularly concerned with letting me know it was probably the last time we'd ever see each other. He didn't understand why this bothered me. I told him it's like telling me I'll never see my brother again. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen my brother in two years, he's still my brother.
Link didn't get it. He won't get it.
I made fun of him a little when he started to get overly dramatic.
Link:blahblah... well, I didn't just come down here to prove you wrong, that wasn't why I came. But you should know this is probably the last time we'll see each other.
Me:Why?
Link:There are reasons.
Me: You know what? Fine. Go ahead and be all, "Oh, I am Link, I am full of angst, lalala..." because quite frankly, if that's what you want, don't try and make me feel like it's my fault that you don't want to see me. Do what you like.
Link tries to argue, I walk away outside and he loses me. He eventually finds me again, I tell him yes, I'm upset, no I'm not going to talk to him about it. Then I walked away, and when he followed me outside and around the building, I asked him why he was following me.
Link:Should I not?
Me: No, you shouldn't.
I walked back inside and disappeared into the crowd to escape his vortex of angsty woe. You guys know how strong an empathic connection I have with him for some ungodly reason. I can't help it. His angst is my angst, and I don't need that right now. If all he needed was for me to be there for him, I can do that.
If what he needs is someone to blame for his isolation, his loneliness, his general dissatisfaction with his life.... he can get someone else.
He doesn't seem to understand how much I can care about him without loving him romantically. He really is family to me, and I love him that way.
I just can't be in love with him because of the way things happened. It's my fault more than his, because I knew how everything would end, but things happen the way they're meant to. Any statement of purpose cheapens the fact that I really did/do care about him, care about what his life is doing, how he is, etc.
But it doesn't matter to him that I care. It defies his image of the world as a soulless wasteland inhabited by unthinking republicans and dishonest women.
But anyway.... Calibretto is good.
It was good to see Link, at any rate. I walked into the room where he was and I couldn't find him, as he was asleep on the bed to some extent. I smelled him though. Not in the gross B.O. from the doorway kind of way, but in the "I haven't caught this particular scent in months. I remember this." kind of way.
We took him DDRing, and that was fun. Like I said, it was good having him around. He can think what he likes, but he'll always be my friend. I care about him, and it distresses me to see him unhappy.
Be that as it may, the real reason I don't call him or email him first is more or less because I don't feel welcome in his life.
Every time I talk to him, it seems like I'm supposed to feel like I don't belong around him. His girlfriend feels threatened by me somehow apparently....I don't know. He feels abandoned or neglected or some other suitable emotion that is, for obvious reasons, more or less unintelligible to me.
Anyway, I don't feel wanted. I get so sick of being told how much happier he would be if he were still with her. I get sick of hearing the unspoken statement that his life sucks because of me. Quite frankly, all I wanted was for him to be happy, and if that's not good enough for him, then nothing I could have done would have ever made him happy. Ever. So.... given this... the implication is that he is happier without me there to complicate things or something. I don't know.
I get tired of being the bad guy. I'm waiting for him to get tired of being the angst guy. Quite frankly, he's one of the best people I know and deserves better than this self-enforced hell he puts himself through. He deserves every happiness in the world.
I just wish he knew that.
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